


looks like a girl but she's a flame, so bright she can burn your eyes, better look the other way, you can try but you'll never forget her name

by endofdaysforme



Category: Glee
Genre: Canon Compliant, F/F, brittana centric, for naya, santana centric, we miss you and we love you
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-10-09
Updated: 2020-12-25
Packaged: 2021-03-07 23:15:35
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 49,345
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26905735
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/endofdaysforme/pseuds/endofdaysforme
Summary: this is near impossible.it’s hard to think about it. the idea of summarizing everything about herself within the confines of a couple hundred pages. how exactly is it meant to be done? where is she meant to start, and how is she supposed to end it? she guesses it kind of plays out like a story, how her life has traversed so far. but she’s staring at this journal before her, completely blanking, unsure of what she’s even supposed to write down and why she’s even doing it in the first place.--aka, santana lopez writes down the story of her life for a reunion project set for the glee club by none other than rachel berry.--aka, a deep dive into santana's life told through her eyes. very santana/brittana centric.-on temporary hiatus.
Relationships: Santana Lopez/Brittany S. Pierce
Comments: 23
Kudos: 76





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> I keep trying to find a way to put into words what the last three months have been like but I can't seem to find them. maybe I'll find them by the time I finish writing this fic, maybe I won't, but until I do, I guess there's this.
> 
> this is for naya, and for santana, who paved the way for so many queer girls who were too afraid to be themselves, including me. I don't think we'll ever have the words enough to thank you for it. 
> 
> I don't wanna cry, so I'll keep this short and simple, lol. I hope you guys enjoy this, it's gonna be one hell of a long fic but if anyone deserves it, it's her. let me know what you guys think, the upload schedule will hopefully be a new chapter once a week but don't hold me to it. regardless, you can stay updated on my twitter at @endofdaysforme. 
> 
> I hope this helps even a little bit...I know writing it for me has. if any choni fans who follow my fics are reading this, please don't leave comments asking me when I'm updating those fics. this isn't about them or that fandom, so be respectful. that's all I ask. as for the glee fans, I hope this brings a little bit of happiness in an incredibly fucked up and dark time for all of us. <3

this is near impossible.

it’s hard to think about it. the idea of summarizing everything about herself within the confines of a couple hundred pages. how exactly is it meant to be done? where is she meant to start, and how is she supposed to end it? she guesses it kind of plays out like a story, how her life has traversed so far. but she’s staring at this journal before her, completely blanking, unsure of what she’s even supposed to write down and why she’s even doing it in the first place.

rachel berry can’t really expect her to be able to do this, can she?

_“and hand write it, santana! it makes it more personal!”_

she still honestly doesn’t even know what the hell that means, she doesn’t even know why this needs to be so personal in the first place, but after twenty years of friendship with the woman, santana’s learned by now that just doing what rachel wants without argument is the best way to get her to shut up. she can only put up with rachel’s squawking for so long before she feels like putting her head through a wall.

it’s some stupid project for the group, all the glee club members coming together and writing their stories, emotions and all, out in journals for everyone to read and send to each other. rachel had come up with the idea, everyone had protested, she had thrown a tantrum, and everyone had agreed to do it to get her to just stop. they’ve known each other for twenty years now, it doesn’t seem necessary to do this, they all know the ins and outs of each other like a family, but whatever, they’d agreed, and now she’s stuck here, looking down at an empty journal with a pen hovering over it, wondering where the hell she’s supposed to start.

she could always just write the words ‘fuck this’ and get away with it, this is apparently being sent off to quinn fabray first, anyway, and she knows quinn well enough to know she’ll get a kick out of it, but she’s about ninety nine percent sure rachel’s gonna read through all of these before giving them the ‘okay’ to be sent off, so…she’s pretty much screwed here.

“just write it all down, san. whatever comes to your mind.” a soft voice echoes out from the doorway, pulling her usually harsh brown eyes up to the source of the noise where they immediately turn soft upon meeting ocean blue ones that make her heart race with affection.

“how? how do i even start?” she manages to croak out, smiling softly at the way strong shoulders shrug before gentle fingers tap against the door frame.

“with the first thing you remember.” she says so simply before she’s walking away, leaving her to stare at the journal before her before she takes a deep breath and just…starts.

—

santana diabla lopez is born on august twenty seventh, nineteen ninety four, and though she’s about one hundred percent sure it’s not true, throughout her life, santana has intentionally fueled the rumors her abuela started that she came out of her mother’s womb insulting the midwife by calling her ‘fat’ because it makes her reputation as a bitch even more irrefutable.

she’s born to maribel and ricardo lopez, a translator and a doctor, an odd combination, but they work, until they don’t.

she’s heard the stories from her mother, about how her father was so highly esteemed because he was the first kid in his family to go to college, and he was just so smart and handsome that her mother was infatuated from day one and just _had_ to say yes when he proposed when she was barely even in her twenties yet. her mother eventually admitted, when santana was much, much older, that she had mistaken that infatuation for love, and maybe that’s where santana’s own struggles with love stemmed from. santana can’t help but agree. her father isn’t affectionate, isn’t kind, it’s all business all the time, but what can you expect from a man who has the whole world and his entire family’s hopes and dreams on his shoulders?

her father’s never really around in her first five years of life. being a doctor is difficult, and he’s not just a general practitioner or anything like that, he’s a full blown cardiac surgeon. it never bothered them at first, they seemed to be doing okay, at least, santana thought that at the tender age of five, but that’s because her parents kept their fights behind closed doors and away from her prying eyes and hawk-like ears she inherited from her abuela who needed to be in everyone's business twenty-four seven. he’s at work way too much, her mother doesn’t like it, it’s the same argument for like, three years straight until it’s enough.

the divorce isn’t much of a loss. she just goes from seeing her father at home a couple times a week to seeing him a couple times a month. it’s not a messy divorce, either, her mother just moves somewhere more affordable and closer to her sister, and that place ends up being in lima heights adjacent into a much smaller house than the one they lived in with her father in lima heights, so it’s rough getting adjusted, but she manages. her father doesn’t like it, but it’s also close to his own mother so he eventually agrees. it’s not that he’s a terrible father at all, he’s just a busy one. she doesn’t necessarily miss him because he was never around to miss in the first place, but she knows it’s something sad, so she acts accordingly because it gets her endless kisses and hugs and sympathetic smiles from her mother. truth be told, her mother and (begrudgingly sometimes for her mother) her abuela on her father’s side are her true parents, and being raised by them has never been an issue, or a bad thing. she’s never really needed a father.

the only thing her father really has a say and gets involved with in her life is when, at the age of six when her parents notice her difficulties focusing in school and her constant running around and lack of concentration in every day activities, she’s diagnosed with adhd. her father takes her to the hospital, and they run a bunch of tests that make santana’s brain hurt before they prescribe her medication and regular therapy sessions and she’s forced to take stupid medicine every single morning to help her get by. she hates it, but it helps her focus and her father and mother practically force her to take it, so she doesn’t have much of an option. her father takes her to every therapy session and foots the bill of every prescription, so she guesses he’s good for that at least.

her father and mother still talk to each other often after the divorce, but it’s mostly about her, and her father is very clear and concise (‘send her to school here, maribel’ or, ‘sign her up for this sport, it’ll help get rid of all that energy she’s got stored’ or ‘maybe we should change her medication and see if something else will help, this one isn’t working’), and he comes over for dinner once a month and pays child support happily and still wants to be part of santana’s life when he can be, and abuela tells her all the time that he’s still a good father but santana figures she has to say that because it’s her son. she’s constantly telling maribel to get back with him whenever she brings santana over for a visit, and is constantly telling her son he’s an idiot for letting them go, but maribel is adamant that she’s perfectly fine raising santana on her own, and ricardo is happy to be a father on the sidelines so he can focus on his career. it should sting that he cares more about that than his own child, but santana doesn’t mind…maybe because she doesn’t quite understand it.

her abuela is mean, often insults her and is constantly trying to get her to wear dresses and dress prettier and be more feminine and glares at her like a bitter old woman every time she watches her climb trees or kick a soccer ball around until she’s walking back into her grandmother’s house covered in dirt and grime and sweat but a grin on her face nonetheless. abuela doesn’t like that santana doesn’t fit the gender norms of what a young girl should be like; all obsessed with barbie dolls and makeup and pretty dresses and shoes. santana would rather play power rangers and demand she be the pink one and try to kick her cousin’s butt every time she bands together with the rest of her cousins to force her to play rita repulsa in their little game.

“she’s acting like a boy, maribel!” her abuela will often snap at her mother, only for maribel to shrug with a simple roll of her eyes and send a smile santana’s way that makes her feel just a little bit better about her abuela’s ranting. her father agrees with her abuela, gets mad at her whenever he has some kind of work event that he wants santana to come with him to because she screams and cries and refuses to wear a dress or look pretty, she just wants to go in a shirt and jeans and leave as soon as possible, and there’s more arguments between her parents about her being a tomboy but santana doesn’t really care, is it so wrong that she just wants to be…comfortable? when did wearing jeans and kicking around a football become a 'manly' thing to do?

her childhood is…good. not perfect, she’s raised in a pretty dangerous neighborhood where there’s a lot of crime and a night without gunshots echoing in the sky is unheard of, and lima heights adjacent is terrible compared to the other side of the tracks where her father lives, and she’s forced to attend church every sunday by her abuela and it’s fucking boring and she hates it, but she at least has her mother by her side, and it’s not a stretch to say her mother is her best friend, and her abuela is, despite all her insanity, her favorite parent.

she’s an active kid, due in part to her adhd that doctors have told them would be a lot worse if she wasn’t on medication, and her abuela is constantly shoving food down her mouth because she thinks she’s too skinny because she’s constantly running around and burning the calories she eats, and eventually her abuela makes the suggestion to sign her up for ballet classes to help calm her down because she just _moves too much._ she can’t sit still, and maybe dance will help her just stop for a bit and learn a little something called _patience._ her father is all for it, even funds the damn lessons, probably because she’s less likely to hurt herself dancing than she is running around and tackling her cousins, and the next thing santana knows, her mother is taking her shopping for a leotard and a damn tutu.

santana hates it at first. she kicks and screams and begs her mother to talk to her father to stop, but her mother tells her to just stick with it for a couple months and see if her tune changes.

it does. ballet becomes her favorite damn thing in the whole world. she feels safe, her body moves in a way that makes her feel comfortable, makes her feel special, and the other kids in her class are fun, except maybe for the girl who whines whenever someone else gets praised for doing a good job, santana wants to punch her in the face, but she gets along with everyone else, and it’s fun. it’s so much fun, and dancing becomes an escape from reality, from the pressure of her father and her abuela to be _a normal young girl._ dance is…universal. gender doesn’t matter. just how your body moves does.

but santana is petty, she learned how to be thanks to her abuela, and when her mother asks her if she wants to keep going with the classes a couple months later, well, santana says “hell no!” in a voice loud enough to carry downstairs to where her abuela and her father are likely eavesdropping because she wants to piss them off because them putting her in classes she didn’t even want to be in to start with pissed _her_ off. her mother stops taking her, and santana misses it every single damn day, but she’d rather watch the way her abuela kisses her teeth in anger every time she runs outside to kick a soccer ball around than do her pirouettes and plies.

school is terrible when she starts it, because a lot of the kids are hispanic as well and manage to bite back whenever santana is snarky or rude to them, so she gets involved in a lot of fights that her mother continuously blames on her adhd, but only one of them results in a suspension in third grade because one guy, freddie, tells her she's ugly and she stabs him in the hand with her pencil and barks for him to take it back while pinching his ear with her free hand.

she gets a lecture from both her abuela and her mother, but whatever, freddie deserved it as far as she's concerned. but of course, that fight and her general bitchy 'don't take shit' attitude means no one really wants to hang out with her, so she goes through her first few years of school without any friends.

not that it bothers her. fuck friends, who needs them?

it’s when she’s ten that her life changes.

she gets restless over the first week or two of summer, to the point where she ends up accepting the dare her cousin throws her way to jump off the roof of her mother’s house to see if she can make it into the cardboard box he sets up below it.

she makes it, because duh, but here’s the thing: there’s still a concrete ground beneath the cardboard box so when she lands in it feet first and trips over the damn flap of it trying to right herself, she throws her hand out to stop her fall and the next thing she knows, she’s waking up in an ambulance with her mother looking down at her with tears in her eyes and the sound of her abuela screaming at her cousin outside the ambulance van.

her right wrist is broken in two places, and she’s forced into a cast that apparently has to stay on for two months, and santana cries into her pillow because her summer vacation is completely ruined now that she’s basically become a cripple. her therapist recommends a change in her medication, because apparently jumping off the roof of her house because of a dare is an impulse that is more adhd oriented than ‘stupid kid’ oriented, and her mother is the one to suggest a summer camp she heard about in passing at work the other day. her abuela shuts it down immediately, her father thinks it’s a good idea, so santana packs a bag and bounces with excitement, all thoughts of pain over her wrist and the idea of spending summer restricted of doing anything forgotten.

her abuela cries and hugs her for about half an hour without letting go, and santana accepts it, but doesn’t get what the big deal is until she’s in the car heading to the bus stop where the other ohio kids joining the camp are meeting and her mother tells her she’ll be gone for the rest of the summer vacation, which is seven weeks. she’s never been away from home for that long, and it’s both exciting and terrifying. she’s excited to meet other kids the same age as her that aren’t the snotty, gross ones that go to her school, but she’s terrified of the concept of not having her abuela and her mother around in case something happens.

when she exits the car and sees the hoard of kids gathered at the station and the three adults that watch over them with shirts that say ‘lake crystal hope summer camp’ on them, she looks to her mother a little apprehensively because she definitely can’t spot any of the kids from her school in that crowd, but maribel blinks back tears and leans forward to kiss her forehead before she gives her the most simple advice that sticks with her for the rest of her life.

“make friends, mi amor. you never know which ones will end up being your friends forever.”

funny that she ends up finding those two friends at that camp on that fateful summer.

she squeezes her mother tight when she says goodbye, nods when her mother reminds her over and over again to make sure she takes her medication every morning (‘ _every morning,_ santana, don’t skip it!’) but doesn’t cry like a couple of the other kids do as their mothers see them off, like this one blonde kid that’s a little chubby with her bright green eyes shining with tears behind thick glasses as she clutches her mother and begs her to stay. santana scoffs and sits at the back of the bus when they all pile in, and there’s only about fifteen other kids that all seem to know each other, because santana’s seat at the back is empty of any other occupants.

which apparently gives one of the camp counsellors permission to sit beside her once everyone’s names are called and accounted for.

“now you must be…santana lopez!” she says in this ridiculously cheery voice, her red hair tied in a ponytail behind her back and her blue eyes shining as she looks down the list before reaching santana’s name with a wide grin.

“oh yeah? how’d you figure that?” santana snarks, sneering as the woman’s smile falters before she looks santana up and down.

“just put two and two together!”

_“or figured i’m the only brown kid on the damn bus so i must be the hispanic one.”_ santana thinks sourly, crossing her arms over her chest and gazing out of the window of the bus without replying.

“my name is erica, i’m one of the camp counsellors! your mother told us this is your first summer camp, and considering your injury, we wanna make sure you’re looked after! you’re gonna have a great time regardless of your wrist, santana, i promise!” she says firmly, as if she’s now made it her summer mission to make sure that happens. santana simply shrugs, and as the bus starts and everyone begins cheering, santana finds herself beginning to regret this whole idea and her days of bouncing from excitement at the prospect when cheery camp counsellor pokes her cast annoyingly.

“how’d it happen?” she asks conversationally, and santana finds herself turning to look at the woman with a smirk.

“i jumped off the roof of my house.” she deadpans. erica’s eyes widen before she swallows thickly, and santana just knows erica’s beginning to regret sitting down next to her now.

the rest of the ride is relatively quiet as they reach the outskirts of ohio, and when everyone randomly breaks out into song everyone twenty minutes, santana finds herself sinking further and further into her seat with her own regrets. her cast is itchy, her wrist is aching, and honestly, she should’ve just stayed home and sulked in her bed for the summer, because anything is better than this.

when they arrive at this lake crystal hope camping ground, santana finds herself relatively impressed. there’s, of course, a lake that stretches out for miles, but there’s also a bunch of cabins, and it looks like a majority of the kids in lima and other parts of ohio are here. it’s a mix-mash of boys and girls, all running around and chasing each other with sticks and screaming loudly that has santana wincing as she jumps off the bus and is met with another woman who looks like she rode in on the crazy happy train into town.

“welcome, kids of lima, ohio! all the kids are gathering over by the campfire so we can assign cabins, we’ve just got one more bus that needs to come in before we’re ready! keep your bags on you, and try and make some friends!”

it’s forty five minutes later when the last bus rolls in, and santana keeps to herself and sits by the tree closest to the campfire, keeps the sour look on her face to stop any kids from approaching her. everyone here is…white. that’s the first thing santana notices, and as much as she’s used to the screams of kids because duh, she was raised in a hispanic household, the camp counsellors don’t threaten to whack the kids with wooden spoons if they don’t stop misbehaving and instead just…try to calm them down with words.

what the fuck?

santana’s five seconds away from threatening to tackle this one kid with short spiky brown hair and bright brown eyes that keeps running past her with this laugh that annoys the hell out of her, and she’s thinking she might not even warn him and just throw the rock at her feet at his head the next time he comes around when a loud piercing whistle echoes through the sky.

all the kids stop and begin to gather around the campfire. santana stays where she’s at. she doesn’t want to talk to any of the other kids, and she’s feeling a little like an outcast right now which sucks-

“alright! welcome fellow ohioians, to the two thousand and five annual lake crystal hope summer camp! we’re so excited to have you guys and we can’t wait to begin a summer of fun, fun, fun! i’m the head honcho of this year’s camp, my name is grace! our camp counsellors for this year are erica, gordon, sammy, rebecca, andrea, bree, eric, penelope, drew…” she continues listing about twenty other people, santana honestly loses count and isn’t paying attention as they all do some stupid greeting gesture with their hands, and she begins attempting to use a stick to itch under her cast before the sudden cheering from all the camp counsellors pulls her attention back to the crowd around the campfire.

“now, we’ll be assigning the cabins, where you guys will get to know each other a bit before dinner will be ready! after dinner, we’ll all gather by this campfire once more for a bit of a jam session and then bedtime so we can be ready and rested for the amazing activities we have in store for tomorrow! i’ll ask camp counsellor erica to step forward first and call out her group for her cabin!”

the cabins along the lake on the left are apparently for the girls, and the ones on the right are for the boys, and it isn’t until the fifth camp counsellor, a girl named lauren steps forward and begins calling out names that santana hears her name called out.

“okay, cabin six! if you guys will make your way over to me as soon as you hear your name! melissa dyer! lucy fabray! santana lopez! kendall newman! brittany pierce! samantha stewart! and…riley smith!”

lauren looks up with a gigantic grin, and santana heaves her bag over her shoulder and jumps up before making her way over to the woman just as santana notices the girl with the big green eyes that was crying in her mother’s arms is also making her way over to them.

at least she’s got one person from lima with her. too bad it had to be the crybaby.

“follow me girls! let’s have some fun!” lauren squeals, all excitement and fucking rainbows that has santana rolling her eyes as another girl with bright blue eyes and dirty blonde hair looks at her with a grin that has santana unable to contain her own at the giggle the girl lets out when she sees it. they trudge their way towards cabin six silently, and as soon as they’re inside, santana’s surprised when a warm hand grips her left one tightly.

“bunk with me.” a soft voice whispers in her ear. santana looks beside her in shock to see the girl with the bright blue eyes is looking at her with this slight pout on her face, and santana feels like she should tell this girl to go away, but she finds herself just nodding instead.

“o-okay.” she stammers, smiling when the girl smiles back at her and they pretty much beeline straight for the two bunks closest to the door of the cabin. the girl throws her bag on the top bunk, and when santana raises an eyebrow at her, the girl shrugs and nods down at her cast covered hand.

“you might fall and injure your other hand.” she says simply.

santana finds herself grinning once again.

she likes this girl.

“alright girls, once you’ve chosen your bunks, come over here! we’ll form a little chair circle, get to know each other!” lauren calls out, still all smiles as santana sighs and throws her bag down on the bottom bunk before making her way over to the chairs that lauren is setting up.

everyone’s settled into their seats not five minutes later, and everyone goes around in a circle and tells the group what part of ohio they’re from, why they’re here, what they wanna do here and what their favorite color is.

santana doesn’t start paying attention until it reaches the last three chairs: her, crybaby and blue eyes.

crybaby goes first, and she sniffs and wipes her nose on her sleeve before she looks around the group with a small, shy smile, adjusting her glasses as she does.

“i’m lucy f-fabray, i’m from fairbrook, i’m here because my daddy is away on business and my mommy thought it’d be good for me to get out of the house for a bit…make some friends. i just wanna have some fun and not think about school. and my favorite color is pink.”

santana’s surprised when lucy says she’s from fairbrook, it’s not that far from lima, but why didn’t the girl just get the bus from there?

santana’s about to question it when lauren looks to blue eyes in the middle of lucy and santana, and the girl grins widely and looks around the group eagerly.

“my name is brittany pierce, i’m from lima, ohio, i love dancing, this is my third year at this camp and i love it here, so that’s why i’m back, and i don’t really have a favorite color, they’re all fun and pretty, so why pick one?” she says with a shrug, looking beside her to santana, who just stares at her in awe for a couple seconds.

“your turn!” brittany says, her grin only widening when santana ducks her head and clears her throat and looks around the group before she sinks back into her chair and monotonously drones on.

“i’m santana lopez, i’m from lima too, i broke my wrist in the first few weeks of summer and my mom thought this would be a good idea to get my mind off it, and my favorite color is black.” she deadpans. it's quiet for a few moments before-

“nice, go lima!” brittany cheers, holding a hand up for a high five, one that santana rolls her eyes at before she returns it with her fucked up right hand and a slight smirk on her face.

after that, lauren talks about the activities in store for them tomorrow, and santana finds herself only half listening, because brittany is wiggling in her seat almost impatiently, and lucy is looking at her with a giggle that fades when she meets santana’s eyes, the fear evident in them. santana simply shrugs at her, and when brittany looks between them both and wiggles harder with a grin, santana finds herself giggling with lucy until-

“girls! are you paying attention?” lauren’s voice cracks through the air like a whip, and santana turns to look at her to see her looking at the three of them with a raised eyebrow.

“well, if you talked about something that wasn’t so boring, maybe we would.” santana drones, her grin only growing when lucy and brittany’s giggles get louder, their attempts to stifle them failing miserably.

lauren seems to catch on that the three of them might be trouble, because when they leave the cabin half an hour later and go to dinner, she keeps an eye on them as the three of them sit down at a table together and immediately begin to strike up conversation. lucy is kind of shy, so santana’s the one that talks the most, chatting animatedly about life in lima heights adjacent while brittany and lucy listen to her with rapt attention. they talk about life at home, and santana learns that brittany goes to mckinley primary on the other side of the tracks at lima, which explains why she’s never run into this girl before, and lucy tells them she hates school and doesn’t talk much about it.

it doesn’t take a rocket scientist to know that lucy probably hates school because she’s bullied. she’s a little on the heavier side, and her nose is a little hooked, and santana quickly realizes this is definitely a girl she would bully if she went to her school, but santana kinda likes lucy so she doesn’t feel the need to be one of those bullies. besides, she likes this dynamic she’s got going with these two girls, and she’s pretty sure if she comments on it, she’ll end up spending the rest of her time at camp alone. less than appealing.

after dinner, they’re forced to go to the campfire, where a bunch of the counsellors are there with guitars that santana realizes is definitely going to result in singing, so she exchanges a glance with lucy, and the both of them stand and begin to nonchalantly inch their way towards the cabins.

“brittany!” santana hisses under her breath, watching as the blonde looks up at her from where she’s cooking a s’more over the fire, and she’s taking the marshmallow off the stick and sticking it between two piece of chocolate before she jumps up and rushes over to her.

that night, they gather on brittany and santana’s beds, lucy and santana laying on santana’s bed at the bottom and brittany hanging over the side of her bed and gazing down at them with a wide grin as they laugh and share jokes and just enjoy each other’s company.

something they still do to this day. her mother was right, she did make friends that ended up lasting forever.

they talk about everything. what it’s like back home, what they enjoy doing, how much their parents annoy them. they bond in a way santana’s never really felt before. she doesn’t have much friends at school because she’s never bothered trying and no one likes her but who cares, they’re all annoying and kids are gross as far as she’s concerned, even if she is one herself, but these two girls? something’s…different. there’s this weird energy santana feels in her body when she’s around them, and lucy and brittany seem to feel it, too, because they fight their fatigue for as long as they can every single night simply because they want to stay up and keep talking to each other. it’s kind of incredible, and it’s something santana relishes in so much, because she’s never had _this_ before.

santana doesn’t remember much about her time at lake crystal hope summer camp, but what she does remember of it always involved little lucy fabray and brittany pierce. that first night sneaking away from the campfire was not the first time they snuck away, it became a nightly thing, none of them really wanting to be at the campfire with singing and screaming kids, and they’d retreat either to their cabin or to the lake to dip their toes into the water. they’d chase each other or talk about school and how much they hate it, and sometimes brittany would lay on one of the piers at the lake and santana would drop down beside her and brittany would link their pinkies and just look at her with a smile before she'd point up at the stars without a word and santana would join her in stargazing.

they bonded, quickly and suddenly. brittany makes them friendship bracelets during one of the activities, and when they go swimming in the lake, they play chicken or simply race each other. lucy always wins, and santana just splashes her with water every time she does in mock anger, resulting in a splash fight that she always wins because she has extra velocity with her cast. lucy says she’s cheating, santana says that’s bullshit, and brittany whispers a ‘stop the fighting’ that always ends with santana giving lucy the middle finger and lucy sticking her tongue out at santana.

the seven weeks breeze by so quickly, it’s like santana blinks and they’re over. and when they are, she finds it’s all working out just like her ballet classes: she doesn’t want to go home. she wants to stay with brittany and lucy in this camp forever, but she knows it’s not possible, so she sulks on the last few days and tries to distance herself to make the pain of being separated from her two new best friends a little easier.

lucy and brittany don’t let her.

on their last night at the camp, the three of them gather on the pier with their feet in the water, and santana’s ready to leave early and go to the cabin, but lucy keeps a firm hold on her left hand while brittany wraps her pinky around santana’s pinky on her right, unable to hold her hand due to her cast, and they both lean their heads on her shoulders and santana just…cries.

they cry, too, but still, she broke first, and it pisses her off, but it’s whatever.

“we still haven’t signed your cast.” lucy says quietly after just an hour of the three of them sitting together and just enjoying each other’s presence.

when they get to bed that night, lucy and brittany both sign their names onto santana’s bright white cast with love hearts beside their names.

the next morning, santana wakes up early and begins packing her bag quickly, part of her desperate to get home, another part of her never wanting to leave.

“don’t forget your pill!” brittany pipes up as she hangs upside down in her bunk and grins at santana widely, causing her to jump in surprise.

“what?” she says blankly.

“we see you taking it every morning. what is it for?” lucy asks, jumping onto santana’s bunk with a frown as santana sighs and rifles through her bag for the little orange tub.

“i have adhd.” she deadpans.

“what does that mean?” brittany asks with a confused frown. santana shrugs as she glances down at the orange tub, labelled _‘strattera’_ and ‘ _atomoxetine’_ with a sigh.

“it means i have a lot of energy and sometimes i do stupid things. like jump off the roof of my house.” santana says with a smirk, twitching her cast covered left hand before she’s shaking a pill out of the tub and popping it into her mouth.

“so _that’s_ how it happened…” lucy says with a chuckle, pushing her glasses up her nose. santana shrugs and grabs a bottle of water from her bedside table before swigging water down with a grimace.

santana definitely remembers the beginning, the moment she first met brittany, but when it comes to the first time saying goodbye to her, it’s a memory she can barely remember, because she fought so hard to push it out of her mind. she just remembers getting on the bus and sitting in the back with her and lucy, all three of their hands intertwined as they chatted, and she remembers crying as lucy hugged her and promised to stay in contact, and remembers brittany whispering something into her ear that still rings in her mind every day.

“i’ll never forget you, santana lopez.”

when her mother asks her how camp was when she picks her up, santana contemplates begging her mother to let her go back next year.

but as usual, she shrugs, says it was boring, and tells her not to bother signing her up next year instead. 

lucy kept her promise. for a year. she sent letters every week and santana sent her own back until suddenly, the letters stopped, and every letter santana sent her, she didn’t get a reply back until eventually, she stopped sending them, too. brittany didn’t send anything at all, and as much as it disappoints santana, she tries not to dwell on it because the pain is too much.

but brittany kept her promise. santana doesn’t know it until freshman year of high school.

a lot of things change in santana’s life when she enters her teenage years. two weeks before she’s set to turn fourteen, her father gets offered a job at some prestigious hospital all the way in washington, one that he accepts without even thinking about the daughter and the family he has in ohio, and when he announces it to her and her mother and _his_ mother, there’s a lot of screaming and a lot of anger until he’s leaving their house and slamming the door shut behind him. santana doesn’t see him again until christmas that year, a whole six months later, but he apparently decides to make up for his lack of presence in her life and in ohio by offering santana and her mother their home back.

so, they move back into their old home, and as a result, santana is transferred to mckinley high.

she’s fourteen, growing into her body in a way that she truthfully hates, because she’s short, but she’s still too skinny no matter how much sports she plays in an effort to get muscles, and as for boobs? well, they didn’t exist on santana lopez’s chest, something that irritates her to no goddamn end, so, in the week before she’s set to start her journey into high school, she jumps at the opportunity to try out for the cheerleading team at mckinley high.

she’s a freshman at a new school, but it doesn’t affect her too much because everyone who’s a freshman is new to high school, and when santana steps forward to audition for the cheerios, the nationally ranked cheerleading team of mckinley high, coached by the infamous sue sylvester, she dances for the first time since her ballet classes and watches with a heaving chest and sweat on her brow as sue looks her up and down with a blank expression before:

“you’re breathing like a mexican dashing across the border attempting to flee border patrol officers, which means you need a lot of cardio work, and your moves look like a fish caught on a reel being flung out of the water, but you have promise. we’ll whip you into shape in no time.”

santana stares at her in bewilderment, trying to determine if she’s just been insulted or praised, but before she has time to contemplate it, sue’s walking over to her with a small smile and handing her pom poms.

“welcome to the mckinley high cheerios, santana lopez.”

she’s bouncing around with excitement for two days straight afterwards, and as school starts and she slips into her cheerios uniform, she feels complete for the first time in her entire goddamn life.

she was _born_ for this.

she’s required to wear her cheerios uniform during school hours, something a lot of the other girls complain about, but santana doesn’t, because she’s noticed something every time she struts down the hallways of mckinley high with this uniform clinging to her skinny frame.

it has power.

no one _dares_ even look at her, and if they do, it’s in awe, watching as her hair, caught up in a high ponytail that is another requirement of being a cheerio, bounces with each step she takes. they worship the goddamn ground she walks on, and it’s fucking _fantastic._ it's like she's royalty, every eye watching her with a mixture of wonder and jealousy, but not a word spoken against her, it's euphoric, almost, how it makes her feel.

so euphoric, even, that she doesn’t even mind when, a couple weeks after she joins the cheerios and starts her freshman year, some girl she’s never seen before struts into cheerios practice at the gym with her green eyes blazing and her blonde hair swinging, a cheerios uniform adorning her body, looking all the part of a leader, and santana stares at her in shock, because she looks _so_ familiar-

“ladies…welcome your latest cheerio teammate, quinn fabray.”

quinn’s eyes meet santana’s, and the only thing that rings in her mind is the name ‘lucy’. but it _isn’t_ lucy, it can’t be. lucy was a chubby girl with a hooked nose and glasses at that fateful summer at camp, but this girl before her? she’s _beautiful._

a slender nose, high cheekbones and pouty lips that have santana clearing her throat as she jumps up from where she’s stretching on the mats and makes her way over to quinn as inconspicuously as possible.

“lucy?” santana whispers, looking at her in shock as this girl, quinn, looks at her in complete surprise.

“i’m sorry?” she scoffs, and santana blinks in disbelief before she laughs and grips quinn’s wrist gently.

“it’s…lucy, it’s me, santana, we went to summer camp when we were like, ten! we were sending letters to each other-.” santana starts, and quinn’s eyes widen in recognition before she’s gripping santana’s wrist back harshly and dragging her to the corner of the gym, looking around quickly to see if anyone overheard.

“listen! don’t…don’t call me that, okay? it’s quinn now.” she growls under her breath, glaring at santana like she’s just killed her cat right in front of her.

“okay, fine, _quinn,_ do you wanna explain to me why you stopped replying to my letters?” santana demands, crossing her arms over her chest and glaring at her, because truth be told, she's pissed. she thought she did something to piss little miss lucy off and she wants an explanation. quinn swallows thickly and glances around the gym, notices sue is preoccupied before she looks at santana pleadingly.

“listen, santana. this is a fresh start for me, a lot’s changed-.”

“yeah, clearly!” santana scoffs, looking her up and down and causing quinn to tut before she tugs on santana’s wrist angrily.

“and i don’t need you screwing it up! lucy’s dead now, so don’t step on my toes and i won’t step on yours.” she hisses, anger blazing in her hazel eyes that has santana staring at her in shock.

_that’s for damn sure._

lucy fabray is definitely no longer shining in this girl’s eyes. she’s no longer that shy, chubby kid that was always pushing her glasses up her nose and talking in a quiet voice.

“jeez…you’re a cold hearted bitch now, huh?” santana says with a smirk. quinn lets out a shaky breath and simply rolls her eyes.

“yeah well, it’s the only way to survive around here.” she mutters, glancing at the other girls still stretching on the mat before she meets santana’s eyes again.

“i like it. consider our friendship restored, fabray. no toes stepped on here.” santana says simply, holding her hand out for quinn to take, and she looks down at santana’s hand apprehensively for a moment before she’s smiling and taking it into her own.

their next surprise comes a few days later.

and santana’s life changes one final time, and for good.

because, when sue tells her another latecomer is auditioning for the cheerios that afternoon and she wants quinn and santana to be there for it, the last thing santana is expecting is for _her_ to walk through, but she does.

and unlike quinn, it takes santana less than a second to recognize her.

the second she sees her bright blue eyes as the girl walks into the gym with a bright smile, wearing an off the shoulder crop top and leggings, santana’s gripping quinn’s hand and looking at her with a racing heart and a wide grin.

“it’s brittany, quinn!” she breathes, watching as quinn’s eyes widen before she’s looking back at the girl with recognition, but before either of them can run forward and embrace her, there’s a loud thumping beat echoing around the gym-

and brittany starts moving.

and every single person in the room is absolutely _captivated._

santana’s mouth is open in shock, she knows it is, but she can’t even focus enough to close it as brittany dances with such grace, but such _edge_ as well, moving her body like a goddamn instrument with each beat and the rhythm of the song. it seems to last forever, but it also is over too quickly.

santana could watch her dance forever. her love for dance has gone nowhere.

the music stops, and brittany is on her knees with her back bent and her head thrown back, panting for air, but barely a bead of sweat on her as she jumps up and looks at sue expectantly, but before sue can open her mouth, her eyes move over to santana and quinn-

and her eyes widen.

“oh my god! santana?!” brittany’s jumping up and running straight for her, and santana barely has time to react before brittany’s jumping into her arms and hugging her tightly, giggling into her ear when santana stumbles back with a grunt at the impact.

“i told you i wouldn’t forget you.” brittany whispers into her ear, causing a shiver to run down santana’s spine as she pulls back and looks at her with such a look of happiness, santana can’t help but grin back at her with a giggle.

it’s like no time has passed at all, like they’re back at that camp, giggling and making jokes with each other all over again…

“hey, britt.” she whispers, gripping her hands in her own as brittany squeals and looks beside her at quinn.

“hi, i’m brittany!” she says cheerily, holding her hand out, and quinn arches an eyebrow before she giggles and rolls her eyes.

“i know, brittany, it’s me…” she says under her breath, but quickly trails off with wide eyes as sue makes her way over to them with a raised eyebrow and a smirk.

“so, looks like you’re old comrades, huh?” she says, coming to a stop in front of them as santana shrugs with her hand still gripping brittany’s tightly.

“uh, we went to summer camp together a few years ago, we haven’t seen each other since.” santana says simply, but sue looks completely uninterested as she removes her glasses and points them at brittany with a sly smile.

“you…are exactly what i’m looking for on this team. you’re perfection in a body, brittany pierce. congratulations, you’re officially a member of the mckinley high cheerios.”

later on that day, when santana, brittany and quinn are hanging out by the bleachers, taking in the other cheerios practicing in front of them, santana turns to brittany with a frown and a sad pout.

“you never wrote to me.” she says simply, and the look in brittany’s eyes is so apologetic, santana immediately feels guilty for even bringing it up.

“i’m sorry! i wanted to so badly, santana, but i lost the paper you wrote your address on! i even wanted to come to lima heights adjacent and just knock on every door until i found you, but my parents said they wouldn’t let me ‘cause it was too dangerous.” brittany says so softly, with actual tears shining in her eyes that santana finds herself smiling as she simply links pinkies with her and shakes her head.

“doesn’t matter. you’re here now, right? let’s make the most of it.”

it doesn’t take long at all.

the three of them rekindle a friendship from what feels like a hundred lifetimes ago, and brittany and santana happily and easily fall into step with quinn as the top bitches of mckinley high with ease. it doesn’t even matter that they’re freshmen: quinn becomes the head bitch in charge when she barks at a gangly girl with long brown hair and brown eyes to shut up when she says hi to them in the hallways, and after that, everyone’s afraid of them. it’s…kind of awesome.

santana finds the power of it all almost intoxicating.

her freshman year is fucking awesome, and she finds herself not quite understanding what all the talk of high school being terrible is about when she gets to walk down the hallways with brittany pierce and quinn fabray by her side and everyone before them scrambling to the sides to avoid them as they do. the cheerios uniform is like a goddamn toga, like they’re gods to be feared and respected.

of course, it’s not easy being a cheerio. sue sylvester runs a hard fucking ship, but santana knows it’s what needs to be done when they’re national ranked champions, the mckinley high cheerios have won every state wide competition for the last four years, and sue plans on making it five, so she’s not gonna be the one to disappoint.

freshman year is a breeze. freshman year is fucking incredible, is perfect, is everything she could’ve asked for it to be. she’s popular, and she’s starting to grow into her body more thanks to coach sylvester’s tough regime of constantly working out and special brand of shakes that keep them slim and full so they don’t eat as much, she has muscles instead of skin and bones and she enjoys walking around in a skirt and watching the boys of mckinley high walk down the hallways barely able to keep it in their pants, the attention is _ravishing._

it’s in her sophomore year where things get, well…complicated.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> tw: minor homophobia and brief mentions of sexual assault, please read with caution.

the cheerios win nationals, sue brandishing her fifth consecutive trophy in her office with pride, and school ends with santana feeling like she can’t possibly be touched. almost _immortal,_ in a way.

her and brittany and quinn just grow closer and closer, to the point where they’re practically inseparable by the time summer vacation comes around. if santana had to describe her relationship with quinn, however, it’s…complicated. she loves quinn dearly, because of course she does, but any hint of lucy fabray has been erased from this girl, like the nose job she got and the weight she lost erased the girl from existence. she’s a bit of a bitch now, and sure, she doesn’t lash out at santana or brittany, but sometimes her mean streak comes out to play, and when santana barks back, it usually results in the both of them glaring at each other and avoiding speaking to each other for a couple days just so it doesn’t turn into a fist fight. she respects quinn, but sometimes quinn doesn’t respect her, it seems, so as much as they’re best friends, it’s not far fetched to say it’s simply a case of ‘keep your friends close and your enemies closer’.

as for brittany…santana is positive this girl is meant to be in her life through thick and thin, through hell and high water. brittany is her _true_ best friend, and she’s pretty sure quinn knows it, but if it bothers her, she doesn’t say anything about it, and santana’s glad, because that’s one fight she won’t back down from. brittany just _gets_ her, in a way no one else ever has. when santana gets mad, brittany’s the one giggling and running a finger down her forearm with a raised eyebrow and a look of ‘is it really worth getting mad over’ and santana feels a wave of calm wash over her no matter how mad she really is. when santana is happy, brittany’s right there for her to launch into so she can wrap her arms around her in a tight hug. and sure, brittany sometimes makes odd comments, ones that have santana scratching her head in confusion and also have quinn rolling her eyes with a chuckle, like the time she tells them she can’t hang out with them on the weekend because her cat has a reading competition on saturday that she needs to train him for (all these years later, santana’s still gobsmacked on that one, to be honest), or when she’s telling them that the stars in the sky are just stickers that God got too many of and didn’t know what to do with. she’s an oddball, but it just makes santana love her more.

whenever she and quinn get into arguments, it’s brittany that slides her pinky into santana’s with a gentle squeeze that instantly calms her down, because she knows brittany hates violence and she doesn’t like making brittany upset. she’s only seen brittany get upset a handful of times, once when some asshole on the football team called her ‘pretty but stupid’, and another time when one of the older cheerios told her to stop talking bullshit and focus on her choreography. santana had launched at mikaela banner for that comment, and quinn had held her back, but watching brittany duck her head with a pout and tears in her eyes had made all the anger dissipate, and santana had spent the rest of that cheerios practice with her hand in brittany’s, giving her as much support as she could.

santana quickly learns that there’s only one thing that makes brittany really upset, and that’s being called ‘stupid’, but other than that, she’s an incredibly forgiving and optimistic person, and compared to santana’s grudge holding and pessimistic everyday attitude, you would think it would be impossible for them to work, but santana can’t explain it. it’s a bond that is unexplainable but exists and she wouldn’t have it any other way.

her first month of the summer vacation that starts after freshman year is spent mostly at her house with brittany coming over so they can suntan and swim in the pool in her backyard, with quinn tagging along every once in awhile, when one day when the three of them are lounging in their chairs on the patio and taking in some much needed sun, quinn announces that she’s dating finn hudson, the football team’s star quarterback. santana’s a little taken aback by it, because boys and boy _friends_ in particular have never really been a thing they’ve discussed, but quinn’s saying it with a smug look and a sparkle in her eyes as she shrugs and looks at santana like she’s just won some major prize in one of the claw machines.

“he’s the quarterback, i’m a cheerleader…if anything’s going to boost me up to becoming head cheerleader, it’s this.” quinn says so nonchalantly, santana stops with her hand frozen over brittany’s shoulder where she’s applying sunscreen to her skin.

“so…you’re using him?” santana says with a frown.

“not necessarily, he’s cute! and hell, if he helps my status while he looks cute, what’s the harm in that?” quinn says with a chuckle, sinking back into her chair and adjusting her sunglasses. santana scoffs and looks at brittany with a roll of her eyes.

“are you kidding me? he looks like a giant toddler that just wet himself every time i’ve seen him. or like a neanderthal that got whacked with a club one too many times on the head.” she smirks, grinning wider when brittany chokes on a laugh and looks over at quinn just as she swings her legs over the chair and lifts her sunglasses up to glare at them both in annoyance.

“we’re growing up, santana. it’s time to start thinking about the bigger picture.” quinn says firmly.

“like what?” brittany asks in confusion. quinn throws her arms up in the air in exasperation.

“like boyfriends, and dating! we’re cheerleaders, this is what we need to do to keep our status at that school or else we’ll be eaten alive.” quinn exclaims, eyes glinting a little crazily as santana rolls her eyes with a laugh.

“oh please, that cheerios uniform keeps us safe.” she waves her hand dismissively and is surprised when quinn slaps it away with a huff.

“no, _our reputation_ does.” she says firmly, pointing her glasses right at santana’s face.

“well, last i checked, reputation fades faster than it comes. rebecca adams started her senior year last year as head of the cheerios and ended it at the bottom of the food chain after brody parker broke up with her.” santana states, nodding once at quinn, who sighs and sinks back into her chair with a shake of her head.

“all because she wouldn’t give him her v card.” she murmurs.

“wait…that’s really why they broke up?” brittany asks, looking back and forth between santana and quinn with surprise.

“of course it was. but as far as i’m concerned, she did the right thing! virginity isn’t something that should be given up so easily. in fact, miss pillsbury, the guidance counsellor, told me about the celibacy club before we left for summer vacation, and i plan on joining as soon as we go back.” quinn says resolutely, her eyelashes fluttering as she closes them and lets the sun soak in a little more.

santana’s mouth drops open in shock.

“celibacy club?” brittany asks in confusion once again.

“basically a club of dorks who swear off having sex, seriously, quinn? that’s not gonna help your reputation!” santana exclaims, jumping up and looking at her best friend like she’s gone mad as quinn shrugs and begins fiddling with the cross necklace resting between her collarbones.

“it will if i can convince finn to join with me. star quarterback and head cheerleader as the club’s leaders will only win us more points.” she says with a grin. santana shakes her head in disbelief. quinn’s always given off the power hungry crazy kind of vibes, but even santana has to admit this is nuts.

“right, you’re insane.”

“why? because i want to lose my virginity to someone i love? because i believe in my faith?” quinn demands, glaring at santana angrily as she laughs and simply nods once.

“yep! as far as i’m concerned, it’s better to just get it done and over with.” santana says nonchalantly. her parents were supposed to be in ‘love’ and that blew up in both their faces, so as far as she’s concerned, the whole concept of ‘love’ is overrated. her mother told her she lost her virginity to her father when she gave her the fucking ‘sex talk’ that still makes santana cringe to this day, so what the hell is the point? “why deny yourself pleasure just because you’re waiting for someone to ‘love’ you?”

it’s quiet for a few moments before:

“have you? done…done _it,_ i mean?” brittany asks, looking at her with wonder, and santana swallows thickly and tries not to get too lost in the deep blue of brittany’s eyes as she shakes her head.

“no…not yet. but i will! before we start sophomore year, you’ll see!” santana says firmly, nodding at the both of them, and brittany frowns before she shrugs and jumps up, jumping into the pool and waving santana over, who looks at quinn with a smug grin that quinn happily gives her back before she’s rushing towards the pool to join her.

she’ll show quinn. she’s sick of her acting like she’s the perfect virgin angel, sophomore year is gonna be _santana’s_ year.

the rest of their summer after that first month is spent at cheerleading camp in a six week gruel-fest of exercise and routines helmed by sue sylvester herself and a bunch of other cheerleading teams and coaches from a couple states over in cincinnati. but it’s nowhere fancy like santana was expecting, it’s in butt-fuck nowhere in cincinnati in the middle of the woods, and there’s no cabins this time, just tents and mud and dirt and sue yelling at them every single day to keep pushing themselves with that fucking megaphone of hers. santana’s body is sore every single day, and brittany is the one who massages her aching shoulders every night happily before she returns to her tent until about the beginning of week four when one night, santana’s woken with a start in the middle of the night to the sound of her tent being unzipped.

she barely has time to gather her bearings and start screaming before brittany’s soft voice echoes out.

“hey…i didn’t mean to wake you up-.”

“it’s okay. what’s wrong?” santana croaks out, sitting up slowly and rubbing at her eyes tiredly before she’s trying to make out brittany’s outline in the dark. she can’t read her face, but brittany lets out a shaky sigh before she’s suddenly dropping down right next to santana and reaching out to grab her hand.

“can i stay with you? please?” brittany asks softly. santana, still half asleep and barely cognitive, simply nods and flops back down onto her pillow, and she’s asleep again within seconds.

when she wakes up, brittany’s arm is around her waist, and this strange feeling takes over her stomach at the weight of it. it’s… _comfortable._

but santana brushes it off, goes through the day with quinn groaning alongside her while brittany marches through it all with all the finesse of a dancer who has abs and the perfect goddamn body and heart muscles to get her through something this grueling, and ends it with brittany coming into her tent once more, looking at her like she’s a kicked puppy.

“san, can i-.”

“you don’t have to ask. come here.” santana says abruptly, smiling as brittany grins widely and drops down beside her with a tired sigh.

they spend the rest of cheerleading camp sleeping next to each other every night in santana’s tent, and now looking back on it, if santana had to place where it really all began, she’d place it here.

in the six weeks of nightmare cheerleading camp with brittany pierce falling asleep right by her side for three of those weeks straight.

because it’s at about week five, when brittany collapses beside her tiredly and falls asleep within seconds, that santana finds herself fighting her fatigue and her exhaustion for just a couple more minutes so she can map out the features of brittany’s face. the way her mouth hangs open slightly and the way her eyes flutter beneath the lids…the way her blonde hair falls over her cheekbones and settles at the nape of her neck. the freckles adorning her skin, and just how cute they are underneath the light from the little lamp in the corner of her tent…

and it’s when santana notices it’s something she’s done every night for the last two weeks on their last night of cheerleading camp as she stares at brittany’s sleeping face, she feels a wave of panic wash over her that she can’t even begin to explain or understand, but one that she quickly dismisses because _no,_ that’s definitely not what this is.

_god, i can’t wait to get the fuck out of here, this place is driving me insane!_

thankfully, cheerleading camp ends and they head back home on the bus to lima, and santana can definitely see much more definition in her arms and legs and stomach, something that leaves her smug despite all the pain her body is in. even quinn’s body is more defined, santana notices, and brittany is…well, brittany.

she’s fucking perfection in a body, just like sue said when she was recruited.

the last three weeks of summer are spent once again at santana’s house, and quinn comes over one afternoon while brittany and santana are play fighting in the pool and lounges on the sun-chair before she nods at santana with a grin.

“so…how did your plans to lose your v card before sophomore year go?”

_fuck._

she could’ve had her pick of any dumbass guy at that camp and instead, she spent almost every night of it staring at her best friend. what the fuck is she doing?

_dial it back, snixx. you got this! as if you would’ve been able to have sex there, anyway! your body spent every hour in pain, as if you were about to add more! it’s cool, it’s cool, just pick some lima loser and get it over with!_

but no, she can’t do that, she’s gotta lose it to someone with high status, someone everyone knows and likes and recognizes, that’s the only way she’s gonna secure her reputation at that school full of losers. finn hudson’s out of the question because he’s quinn’s and frankly, santana would rather cut off her left hand than lose her v card to him no matter how high his reputation is, and all the other guys on the football team are disgusting, to be honest.

“there’s been some…delay.” santana says stiffly. quinn chuckles and cocks an eyebrow at her before she shrugs.

“there’s always finn’s best friend, noah puckerman.”

“ew, that loser with the mohawk? sure, he’s hot, but he’s disgusting, i’m not touching him with a ten foot pole.” santana grimaces. she’s heard noah puckerman go on and on about how he lost his virginity at age seven, which sounds absolutely ridiculous, and santana’s watched him perving on her every time she bends over to take a drink at the water fountain at school, he’s gross. quinn laughs loudly at that, and santana sinks back against the edge of the pool with a frown on her face when brittany sighs and looks at her with a shrug.

“it’s not that big of a deal, santana.” she murmurs almost evasively, but santana barely notices as she groans.

“i know, britt, but i gotta lose it at some point, and especially now that quinn’s acting all high and mighty cause i failed.” santana says through slightly gritted teeth, glaring at their other best friend as she lounges on the chair and soaks up the sun.

“you should’ve done it at cheer camp. i did.”

“wait, _what?_ ” santana’s head snaps down in shock so fast, her neck flares with pain, but she barely acknowledges it from the shock coursing through her body as brittany purses her lips and nods with another shrug.

“yeah. the guy was kinda cute. it hurt a bit though, so maybe watch out for that.” she says with a frown, her eyes a little distant, and santana’s mouth is open and catching flies, she’s very aware, but then it catches up to her what brittany’s just said.

brittany had sex before her. with some cheerleader guy. quinn’s made some stupid pact with God to remain a virgin until marriage, which okay, fine, each to their own, so that means santana’s the only virgin left in their little group.

son of a-

“ _fuck!_ britt, why didn’t you tell me!? and when did this even happen, we spent almost every night in my tent together!” santana exclaims angrily, ignoring the look of confusion quinn throws their way at that sentence as guilt washes through her at the way brittany flinches slightly at her raised voice before she looks up at santana with a slight pout.

“first few weeks. he said it was just a bit of fun, why are you mad at me?” she says with a whisper, one that has santana’s heart aching slightly as she groans again and taps a finger against brittany’s nose with a shaky smile.

“no, i’m not mad _at_ _you,_ britt, i just…god, _fuck!_ okay, screw this, i’m going to breadstix tonight and the first guy my eyes land on gets to do it! no more waiting around!” santana says with nothing but finality, glaring up at quinn who just rolls her eyes at her with a sigh and sinks back down into her chair while brittany smiles and nods approvingly at santana’s genius idea.

and of course, santana dolls herself up and makes sure she looks smoking out and heads out later on that evening, and who should her eyes land on that fateful night she walks into breadstix? none other than brody parker.

the smirk that lights up her face is instantaneous. santana doesn’t even give him time to question, she just walks over to him, notices the recognition in his eyes and doesn’t let him utter the words ‘hey, aren’t you that cheerleader from high school?’ before she’s grabbing his hand and lifting him out of his seat where he’s sitting with a bunch of other has been heroes from the mckinley football team of two thousand and eight.

“lose the extras from a bad zombie film and lets go have some fun in your car, shall we?” she whispers into his ear, and the rest, well, is history.

painful history, but history, nonetheless.

brody’s a terrible lay, especially now when santana looks back on it with nothing but absolute mortification, but she’s still proud of herself for taking control that night and pushing brody into the backseat of his car before she practically jumped on top of him. and yes, it fucking hurt just like brittany said it would, but when the rumors began to spread that santana lopez lost her v card to _the_ brody parker, well…

it was worth it just to see the look of jealousy on quinn’s face at how high her popularity soared after that rumor was proven true.

it’s the night before her birthday and about a week before school starts back up again when brittany surprises her by coming over to spend the night and to give her the birthday present she bought her, and when santana asks her why she didn’t just wait to give it to her tomorrow night at the sleepover she has planned with quinn and brittany, the girl simply shrugs and hands her a small box wrapped in pink gift paper.

“i didn’t want quinn to get jealous. she’s jealous enough as it is now that you’ve got more of a badass reputation than she does.”

that piques santana’s curiosity, and she rips the paper and opens the box to find a bracelet inside, one with a little love heart charm that dangles off it. she looks at brittany with a soft smile, one that only widens when brittany holds up her left hand to show an identical bracelet around her own wrist.

“they’re best friends bracelets, to replace our old raggedy ones from summer camp that we lost. i love quinn and she’s my best friend for sure, but she’s like, super intense sometimes and…i don’t know, you and i are closer, and i want you to be my best friend forever, san.” brittany says softly, and santana’s so gobsmacked and so happy, she finds herself simply pulling the bracelet out of the box and holding it out to brittany with tears in her eyes as she holds her left hand out.

“put it on me?” she croaks out, and brittany does so with an excited wiggle.

when school comes back, santana’s not just on top of the world, she feels like a goddamn queen. noah puckerman suddenly shows interest in her, and sure, he’s disgusting and santana doesn’t particularly have any attraction to him, but he’s on the football team and he’s popular _and_ he’s finn hudson’s best friend, so she agrees to a date with him, and when they’re making out in the backseat of his car and his hand moves under her shirt to grope her, she slaps his hand away before he’s pulling back with a groan and a ‘come on baby, don’t be frigid, you’re really not gonna let me like you let brody?’, and she’s sighing and pushing him back and clambering onto his lap with resignation as he pulls a condom out of his wallet with a winning grin.

it’s whatever, she doesn’t really mind, and it keeps her status high as she walks through mckinley high’s doors every day and witnesses the looks of awe from the men and looks of terror from the women with a smirk plastered on her face. her and noah and finn and quinn are the power couples of the school, and when quinn brings up brittany getting a boyfriend one day when they’re at quinn’s house giving each other manicures, brittany tells them she’s been enjoying mike chang’s company a lot, another guy from the football team. she tells them he’s a dancer too under the radar, and santana smiles and tells her they’d be good together. brittany simply shrugs and stares at her, and santana ignores the shiver that runs up her spine at just how ocean blue her eyes are and pulls her hand into her lap to paint her nails awkwardly, their friendship bracelets smacking against each other lightly.

they’re on top of the damn world, entering their sophomore year.

funny how six weeks in, everything completely and utterly changes.

quinn ends up going off the rails when finn tells her he’s joining the glee club out of nowhere, a loser club of singing and dancing, talking about how she’s noticed finn is getting closer to that midget with the brown eyes and the big nose, rachel berry, who is also in the glee club, and during a spy session with sue sylvester, santana sees the way finn and rachel are looking at each other as they sing ‘don’t stop believin’ by fucking journey (god, she _hates_ that song), and before santana and brittany know it, they’re being roped into joining the celibacy club by quinn.

“what? why?” brittany asks in confusion from where she’s stretching on the mats while quinn paces in front of them at the gym during cheerios practice.

“because! i need you two to do it so mike and puck join with finn and then the whole football team will join and finn won’t cheat on me with that freakazoid, rachel berry!” quinn snaps at her. brittany looks at santana in confusion, and santana just shakes her head with a laugh.

“your logic is fucked up, q.” she says, letting brittany take her hands to pull her forward so her chest meets the ground while she spreads her legs wide. the stretch in her inner thighs has her wincing just as much as the ache between her legs does because puck can be an asshole sometimes when they’re having sex and he was rough last night, but brittany’s next words have her pushing herself back up in shock, all pain forgotten.

“besides, mike and i aren’t dating, we’re just friends.”

“oh, really?” santana says in surprise, and brittany simply nods.

“yeah, we decided it was for the best. i’ve just been having fun with some of the other guys on the team.” she says nonchalantly. santana blinks once, quinn simply grins widely.

“good, so they’ll all follow your lead then!”she says firmly, and santana holds a hand up to silence her, trying to piece together what brittany’s trying to say here.

“‘having fun’? what does that mean?” she asks. brittany bites down on her lower lip and avoids her eyes, and santana sighs softly and grips her hand. “britt…”

she doesn’t want brittany to get the reputation of being the school slut, because that’s so far from the truth of who brittany is, but the blonde girl looks up at her with a shrug, and santana feels the defeat flood her.

“what? it’s not a big deal, and i like it.” brittany says with a genuine smile, one that tells santana she means what she’s saying, but santana can’t quite understand why it bothers her. it just does.

“okay…”

they join the celibacy club just to shut quinn up, and her plan actually works, because finn’s joining, and then the whole football team is joining and then, well…

rachel berry joins.

quinn downright refuses to accept her at first, but then principal figgins is implementing some ridiculous rule that says all clubs must accept anyone who wants to join up and rachel is giving them some stupid speech about how girls want sex just as much as guys do, and santana can’t exactly argue with her because she’s right, but then quinn is talking about how finn looked at rachel in ‘awe’ (santana has no idea what that means) when she gave her little speech and then she’s making another absolutely insane fucking suggestion.

she wants to join the glee club, and she wants santana and brittany to join with her.

“what?! no fucking way, i’m not joining some loser club just so you can keep your man in check! celibacy club is torture enough!”santana growls, refusing to do so until quinn grips her arm with a hiss and wild eyes.

“listen to me! finn and rachel are bonding and i am _not_ going to lose my boyfriend to that goddamn troll! and i’ve heard you sing before, you’re amazing! if i have you by my side and brittany with her dance moves, we’re guaranteed to get in! santana, if you love me at all, you’ll do this for me!” quinn says with wild eyes filled with tears, and for fuck’s sake, santana might be a cold hearted bitch, but she has a soft spot for only two people in this world: brittany pierce and quinn fucking fabray.

“alright, fine! but you owe me big fucking time, fabray!”

brittany’s happy to go along with the plan, even rehearses a goddamn dance to ‘i say a little prayer’ by dionne warwick, which is apparently what they’re performing for their audition which santana loves because she grew up listening to her, and they nail it, because will schuester, the teacher for glee club, is looking at them like they’re the next coming of Jesus when they finish performing.

“wow, ladies! absolutely fantastic, what an audition! no question, you guys are officially members of the glee club! congratulations!” he exclaims, all wide smiles and laughter, and santana already hates him and his stupid vests.

they get called into sue’s office not long after the news spreads that the top three cheerios of sue sylvester’s immaculate cheerleading team are now part of the glee club, and instead of getting kicked out of the cheerios like santana’s expecting, they’re being asked to spy for sue herself to bring the club down from the inside out.

not exactly what santana was expecting, but hell, if it puts her in sue’s good graces and boosts her chances of being head cheerio, she’s fucking down to do it.

puck ends up throwing a party that weekend, one that quinn, santana and brittany feel obligated to go to because they’re cheerios and the most popular girls in school so they _have_ to, and it’s that night, at that party, where everything begins to fall into place, and santana’s life begins to fully…well, form. where everything just clicks. where her entire life begins to take shape into what it is today.

oh, if only she had known just how many goddamn hurdles and bumps would be on that road back then.

the party is in full swing by the time quinn, brittany and santana arrive, and it’s practically the entire school that’s showed up. santana simply links her pinky with brittany and leads her to the kitchen, and quinn wanders off to find finn. santana pulls two vodka cruisers out of the fridge and twists the cap off both before handing one to brittany, who smiles and swings their linked hands with a giggle before she takes a swig. there’s been other parties before, but this one…this one is one she’ll never forget for as long as she lives for only one reason and one reason only.

santana doesn’t remember much from that night before the bathroom, especially after her seventh vodka cruiser and two shots of tequila, but one thing she’ll never, ever forget is what happens as she uncaps hers and brittany’s eighth bottles with a messy giggle and slightly stumbling feet.

the music is loud, so loud that brittany has to lean in to whisper into santana’s ear just to be heard.

“is it me or are none of the guys here like…good looking?” brittany yells, pulling back with a slight pout as santana laughs and grips brittany’s hands to steady herself as the world spins a little around her.

“britt, the whole school is here!” she yells back into the blonde’s ear, inhaling the scent of sugary perfume and something just so _brittany_ as her best friend giggles and nods against the side of santana’s head.

“yeah, i know!”

“you’ve slept with some of them, how can you not find them good looking?” santana laughs, her brain not quite able to process what exactly brittany’s trying to get at here when the girl shrugs and nods across the room to where puck is currently chatting to some girl, and santana feels like it should make her jealous, that’s her boyfriend, _her man,_ but brittany’s hands slip down to her waist and she finds herself not really caring when brittany’s lips meet the shell of her ear once more.

“you don’t think puck is good looking, you sleep with him!” she teases, pulling back and waggling her eyebrows at santana, who simply shrugs and tries her best to keep her eyes open because the world is spinning a lot now-

“eh, his rep does it for me!” she manages to slur out, smiling slyly when brittany suddenly reaches a hand up and tucks a lock of hair behind her ear gently. santana’s breath catches at the action coming out of nowhere, and her eyes flutter open to meet brittany’s, whose eyes are a little lower…

“your lips look really nice.” brittany murmurs, words slurring together slightly in her own state of drunkenness. santana’s heart catches in her throat for reasons she can’t begin to explain, and the room is suddenly getting very, _very_ hot, cheeks flushing, the dress she’s wearing suddenly pinching around her chest despite how goddamn flat it is with each rapid breath she takes.

“uh…thanks?” santana croaks out, tongue darting out to lick the flavor of vodka off them before she glances around the room with a shaky exhale and a nervous chuckle. “i thought alcohol was supposed to like…make you wanna sleep with people, but you’re right, none of the guys here are doing it for me!”

“this music is so loud, too! can we go somewhere?” brittany sighs, clutching her pinky once more with her own as santana frowns before she nods and begins dragging brittany through the house.

“yeah, come on!” she leads brittany towards the stairs, the both of them stumbling and giggling over the bodies of girls and guys making out and moves towards the bathroom opposite puck’s room. she pulls brittany inside and quickly shuts the door, and the instant the music is drowned out and is simply reduced to soft pounding and thumping, santana’s ears begin ringing slightly from being exposed to it for so long.

“God, how is this like, the only sound proof room?” santana says with a laugh, and brittany shrugs as she makes her way over to the toilet.

“i can still hear the music.” she says nonchalantly, reaching for the hem of her dress and pulling it up while santana shrieks and quickly spins around.

“britt! what are you doing?!” she squeals, covering her eyes as brittany laughs drunkenly.

“i need to pee!” she whispers.

“gross!” santana cries, but can’t help the laugh that leaves her when brittany grunts and forces herself to go. santana doesn’t turn back around until the sound of the toilet flushing echoes, and when she spins around, brittany’s stumbling towards her and the door with her dress still bunched up slightly around her thighs.

“britt, wash your hands!” santana sighs, pointing to the sink as brittany’s eyes widen and she spins wildly.

“oh, oops!” she practically slams into the sink, and santana has to grip the doorknob to stop herself from falling over with laughter, her stomach aching as she reaches for brittany’s dress to tug it down gently.

“you’re so drunk!” santana wheezes, ignoring the spark of electricity at the tips of her fingers when they make contact with brittany’s thighs as the blonde flings the water on her hands into the sink and spins around to face santana, stumbling into her as she does.

“so are you!” she giggles, gripping santana’s arms to steady herself. her piercing blue eyes are roaming over santana’s face again, and she reaches up to brush raven black hair back from santana’s face, causing the girl to hum in content as her eyes flutter closed at her touch.

“mmm, nice.” she slurs. brittany lets out a huff of breath, and santana can smell the alcohol as she suddenly clears her throat, causing santana’s eyes to open with a frown.

“you know, your lips really do look nice, san. i love that lip gloss.” brittany says hoarsely. her eyes are flicking back down to santana’s lips repeatedly again, and santana feels her mouth go dry as she reaches for the small clutch hanging off her shoulder with a slightly shaking hand.

something’s changing, and she has no idea how to handle it right now.

“i…you want some?” santana asks, pulling out her lip gloss and holding it out to her, and brittany’s teeth gnaw at her bottom lip before she shakes her head suddenly.

“can i…can i get it a different way?” she whispers. santana swallows thickly, her drunken mind not quite connecting the dots of what brittany is asking…

“what d’you mean?” she whispers back. brittany hesitates, and what happens next is a memory santana still savors in her mind to this day, she’s quite sure she’ll never forget it for as long as she lives, and maybe even after.

she wishes their first kiss hadn’t been in noah puckerman’s bathroom, but you win some, you lose some.

brittany’s lips are so gentle, so soft, unlike kissing brody parker or noah puckerman, unlike kissing any guy she’s kissed before. it’s hesitant at first, this simple press of their lips together before brittany’s using her thumb to reach up and gently pull down on her chin to open her lips so she can take santana’s pouty top lip between her own. santana’s heart is pounding in her fucking ears, and she knows it’s not the music, because she can _feel_ it against her chest as well. she has no idea what to do with her hands, and when they reach out to grip the material of brittany’s dress at her hips, she finds her eyes fluttering until they close once more, enjoying the feeling for a few more seconds before brittany begins sucking on her top lip and it all becomes _way too real-_

“whoa, whoa, wait, brittany…” santana pulls away breathlessly, a gasp escaping her, a small shake of her head to try and clear it because all she’s thinking right now is brittany, brittany, _brittany-_

“tastes like strawberry.” brittany whispers, and the look in her eyes is completely fucking unreadable. santana’s usually good at reading people, but right now, she has no fucking idea what brittany is thinking.

“britt…” santana feels any ounce of drunkenness quickly leaving her, but brittany’s eyes still look glazed over as she hiccups and giggles before she grips santana’s hand in her own.

“come on, let’s go outside!” santana can’t even articulate or do anything other than allow herself to be dragged through the bathroom door and back down the stairs. her mind is absolute mush, still trying to pick apart why and what happened in that bathroom just three minutes ago.

brittany kissed her. her best friend, brittany pierce, kissed her like it was nothing, and maybe it was nothing, girls kiss all the time, right? this isn’t that big of a deal, so why is santana making it one?

maybe because she’s never felt that way before kissing someone. maybe because brittany’s lips were soft and gentle where brody and noah’s never have been, maybe because it’s someone she cares about-

the warm air of fall in ohio caresses her skin the second brittany pulls her outside, and santana finds herself taking a deep, shaky breath in as she glances over the few people strewn over the back patio. she sees a few guys from the football team smoking by the railing, and for reasons she can’t explain, the smell of it brings a sense of comfort that has her rushing towards them quickly as she drops brittany’s hand to do so.

“hey, can i bum one?” santana asks roughly, putting on her best bitch face as the guy she’s pretty sure is named david karofsky looks her up and down before he’s scoffing and reaching into his letterman jacket to pull out a pack of cigarettes.

to her surprise, despite his reluctance, he pulls out two and hands them to her wordlessly before he’s pulling out a lighter and flicking the wheel. the second it sparks, santana places one between her lips and leans forward and allows the end of it to light up before she’s nodding once at him and making her way over to the porch swing that’s hidden in darkness. she sits down on it, grunts when it swings slightly before she’s taking another long drag. there’s a slight mint taste to it, and santana finds herself smiling.

her aunt on her mother’s side smokes menthols, that’s why the smell is so comforting to her. it reminds her of her childhood, of her time in lima heights adjacent-

“isn’t smoking bad for you?” brittany’s voice echoes out as she plops down beside santana with a heavy sigh. santana takes another drag and simply shrugs.

“everything’s bad for you, what does it matter?” she murmurs, avoiding eye contact with the girl and watching as karofsky tosses his own cigarette and makes his way back inside the house with his friend.

they’re alone on the patio now, and about ten seconds pass before brittany leans in a little closer to her.

“santana, are you okay?” brittany asks in the softest voice filled with concern. santana swallows thickly and just continues smoking her cigarette, inhaling the tobacco like it’s a lifeline and relishing in the sting at the back of her throat, the lightheadedness that floods her. brittany shifts even closer to her, and santana lets the smoke leave her lips before she turns to face her slowly.

“why…why did you kiss me in the bathroom, brittany?” santana says hoarsely, her voice rough from the smoke, and brittany frowns before she simply shrugs like it’s not a big deal.

“i don’t know. your lip gloss looked really nice and so did your lips and i wanted to taste them.” she says slowly, as if she’s saying each word carefully, watching santana’s face for her reaction, and santana finds herself smiling slyly and letting out a little chuckle.

“okay, you’re definitely drunk.” she murmurs, taking another drag from her cigarette.

“yeah…aren’t you?” brittany asks with a breathless laugh. santana fights back the shiver that runs up her spine and licks her lips.

“nope, think you sobered me up pretty quick back there!” she says firmly, shaking her head and pursing her lips. she turns away from brittany and continues smoking her cigarette, watching as the paper burns down to the filter. she lifts the second cigarette in between her fingers and uses the last of flames from her first to light it before she tosses it and inhales a long drag from the second cigarette now. she ignores the way her throat protests, and she tenses the second warm, gentle fingers curl around her right wrist gently.

“wait…i don’t want you to be upset, santana.” brittany whispers. santana’s head snaps to her in surprise, and for once in her life, she’s lost for words.

she’s not upset, she’s not, she’s just…confused, because she doesn’t know what this means, she doesn’t know why she’s reacting this way, she’s never been this confused with puck or brody or any other fucking guy she’s kissed, maybe it’s because brittany’s another girl, or maybe it’s because brittany’s her best friend-

“i’m…i’m not, it’s f-fine.” she manages to get out instead. brittany simply continues staring at her, those deep blue depths boring into her own and making her feel like brittany’s looking, impossibly, _beyond_ what’s physical, like she’s looking into her fucking _soul._

“britt, why are you staring?” santana whispers cautiously, taking another drag from the cigarette between her fingers and flicking the ash, and brittany licks her lips, eyes roaming over her face before she clears her throat.

“i don’t know…because i think you’re beautiful, santana, and even though smoking’s bad for you, i think you look really hot doing it.” brittany says softly. santana’s heart aches at her words, and there’s this vibration coursing through her body that has her letting out a shaky exhale, remnants of smoke escaping her nose and mouth as she does.

“britt…i-.”

“can i kiss you again?” brittany interrupts suddenly, already inching forward until santana can practically count the freckles on her cheeks. santana’s completely mesmerized.

“i feel like i should say ‘no’.” she blurts out. brittany smiles at her.

“do you want to say ‘no’?” she whispers. santana pauses, takes another drag from her cigarette with her eyes not leaving brittany’s.

“…no.” she says shakily. brittany suddenly frowns, looking at her in confusion.

“wait, is that you saying ‘no’ as in i can’t kiss you or you saying ‘no’ as in-.” santana inhales and grips brittany’s wrist, pulling her hand into her lap and in the process, pulling her closer until their noses brush together.

“kiss me.” santana breathes, unable to stop herself, even though part of her brain is telling her this isn’t right, even though a part of her brain is telling her this is only going to complicate things between them, the alcohol is fucking those thoughts up, and all she can think about is-

_oh._

brittany’s kissing her again, and any thoughts about this being wrong are erased from her mind completely, all she can focus on is how fucking _good_ it all feels. all she can focus on is the way brittany’s hand that’s in her lap moves up her body to cup her cheek and pull her closer, her soft lips sucking on santana’s bottom one greedily, nails scratching beneath her ear and thumb brushing over her cheekbone, this kiss is fucking _magical_ , God-

brittany’s tongue snakes out and brushes across her bottom lip, and santana feels like cold water’s just been dunked on top of her. she pulls away, eyes fluttering open, but brittany doesn’t let her go far, the hand on her cheek keeping her close.

“brittany, this…” santana swallows roughly, shaking her head a little once again as brittany looks into her eyes with a small pout playing on her kiss swollen lips.

“it’s just kissing, santana. it doesn’t mean anything.” brittany croaks out, thumb brushing over the apple of her cheekbone tenderly in a way that has santana blinking back tears because she’s not used to _this._

“it doesn’t?” santana’s voice is so small, she hates it, but brittany’s smile is nothing but reassuring as she shakes her head slowly.

“no. unless you want it to?” brittany whispers, eyes meeting santana’s and watching as santana tries to pull apart what she’s feeling, but she’s drunk, her mind is barely focused and she’s torn between either running away or pulling brittany back in to kiss her lips until they’re swollen raw-

“i…” santana can’t piece the words together because she doesn’t know what she wants, she doesn’t know what to think, she’s never really had a relationship before, and she has a boyfriend right fucking _now_ that’s inside and probably wondering where she is, and she’s out here, kissing another woman, and…is that cheating? is that what she is, is she a cheater? but it doesn’t mean anything, it’s just kissing, right? it’s just kissing, it doesn’t mean anything-

“santana…” once again, brittany’s soft voice cuts through her thoughts, and santana finds herself looking up into brittany’s eyes with uncertainty for the briefest moment before she’s licking her lips and nodding slowly. 

“no, you’re right, britt. it doesn’t mean anything. it’s just kissing, you’re right.” she finds herself saying in an attempt to justify everything that’s going on in her head right now, and brittany’s smile is breathtaking.

“okay. so does that mean i can keep kissing you? because i…i really like kissing you.” she says with a giggle that has santana smiling back before she leans in to capture brittany’s lips this time, her fingers closing around the wrist of the hand still on her face. the kiss is deeper this time, and when brittany’s tongue teases her lips, this time, she doesn’t pull away, she just opens her mouth and lets brittany invade it with a whimper escaping her throat when it does. all santana can taste is alcohol and the tobacco still in the back of her own throat, and _fuck,_ brittany’s tongue is tangling with her own and her lips are wet and soft and santana’s mind is absolutely spinning, should kissing a girl feel this fucking _good?_

“oh damn! now _this_ is a party!”

santana pulls away from brittany violently at the sound of another voice, her head turning to see fucking azimio adams from the football team leering at the two girls with a smirk on his face.

“shut up, azimio! fuck off!” santana growls, but her heart is racing and her body is trembling as brittany lets her go and links their pinkies together in an attempt to calm her.

“no, please, by all means, ladies! continue!” azimio says with a bark of laughter, rubbing his hands together with excitement, and before santana can launch at him and kick him in the balls, brittany’s jumping off the porch swing and pulling santana with her back into the house.

“come on, let’s take this somewhere more quiet…” she murmurs, marching past azimio with her head down.

“aww come on! can i watch?” azimio calls out with a bark of laughter.

“i said fuck off!” santana yells, flipping them off as brittany laughs and pulls her inside. the entire house suddenly feels way too crowded, way too overwhelming, and santana finds herself pulling her hand out of brittany’s grip. when brittany looks back at her, santana finds herself shaking her head, and brittany simply smiles and nods once before pulling her towards the front door.

“do you wanna just go home?” brittany whispers into her ear, and when santana nods, brittany pulls her phone out of her pocket and dials her father’s number.

brittany’s dad comes and picks them up, and he doesn’t ask any questions, but he’s not exactly the smartest guy on the block, so santana doesn’t expect him to. he just drops santana off home and waves goodbye to her with a smile, and santana exchanges a glance and a smile with brittany before she’s making her way inside her home with her mind still buzzing and her lips still tingling.

when she wakes up the next morning, she has the world’s worst hangover, and she can barely remember anything about the night, but she can remember what kissing brittany felt like, and it both terrifies her and exhilarates her.

puck comes up to her in the hallways at some point during school with a grin on his face before:

“azimio said you made out with brittany at the party. that’s hot as hell, babe, why didn’t you let me join in on the fun?”

santana supposes she’s meant to giggle and push him away, treat it like a joke but all she feels is sick in the stomach, so she rolls her eyes at him and throws her locker door open instead, ignoring him completely as he drones on and on about the party.

over the next week, she and brittany pretend like nothing happened, santana doesn’t bring it up, and neither does brittany, so santana assumes brittany’s probably forgotten about it or chalked it down to a drunken hookup, but santana _can’t._ in fact, it’s all she can think about, and she’s breaking up with puck in the middle of the hallways of mckinley high, and when he asks her why, well…

“you’re breaking up with me?! why?!”

“your credit score is terrible. what i need as a woman, is financial security!” she walks off with a smirk as some people nearby look at puck with a scoff of laughter, and santana has to admit that she’s feeling a certain kind of high to be the one to break noah puckerman’s heart, but the truth of the matter is, she feels nothing for him, and kissing him is nothing compared to kissing brittany, so why bother?

she finds out exactly why later on that day.

she and quinn manage to devise a sneaky plan that ends with mr. schuester all but abandoning the glee club to form his own ridiculous band, and with the glee club scrambling to find his replacement, they put forward the name of a man they know the glee club won’t be able to handle because the guy is nothing but a complete bully and they’re all soft as hell, and she leaves feeling particularly good about how her week is going when she comes across none other than her ex boyfriend and the entire football team standing by the dumpsters, cornering that kid from the glee club that mercedes jones has been crushing on with the floppy fringe hair and a fashion sense too gay to function, kurt hummel.

it’s obvious the kid is gay, something mercedes jones clearly isn’t aware of and something quinn and santana have maybe been a bit harsh in with egging on her crush on him, but santana finds her steps faltering when puck grabs kurt by the collar of his shirt with a growl.

“i’m sick of looking at your faggy clothes, hummel! what, you think it’s okay to parade around how gay you are?! it’s sickening!” he hisses, clearly holding some anger over their breakup within him, and santana feels her heart drop when kurt’s bottom lip trembles as he blinks back tears, but doesn’t say a word. puck scoffs, and he nods at the boys behind kurt before they’re all lifting him and throwing him into the dumpster with loud laughs and high fives.

santana’s seen this happen to kurt a number of times, but never has it made her feel this sick to her stomach. she usually ignores it and keeps walking, but puck’s words are echoing in her mind and she finds herself swallowing the lump in her throat and blinking back her own tears as she rushes towards her car.

is that what will become of her if she tries to form some kind of relationship with brittany? will she be thrown into dumpsters and called a ‘fag’ and ‘sickening’ if she flaunts how much she enjoyed kissing brittany that night?

her reputation will take a dive. she’ll fall from grace faster than rebecca adams did. she can’t, she _can’t_ let that happen, not when she’s worked her fucking _ass_ off to be perfect, to be popular, to be the head bitch in charge at this miserable school. her and brittany can’t be a thing, they just can’t.

fuck, maybe breaking up with puck was a bad idea.

which is exactly why a week later, after giving him a cool-off period, she’s showing up on his doorstep and taking his hand before leading him to his room and pushing him down onto his bed before attacking his lips with a fury.

she feels nothing. not an inch of excitement or a remote spark like she did with brittany, and when they’re done and puck asks her if they’re back together, she simply shrugs and states:

“we’re just having fun. sex isn’t dating.”

the weeks go by, and brittany and santana continue to ignore what happened that night at the party, but it’s still a hanging pendulum above them, so much so that they don’t realize quinn has been slowly drifting away from them until a curveball is thrown their way that neither of them could have ever seen coming.

brittany is massaging her aching shoulders during glee club after a day spent practicing their routine for the upcoming football game with the other glee club members, mercedes jones, kurt hummel, tina cohen chang (who are gossiping about quinn and her strange behavior the last week or so), mike chang, matt rutherford and puck himself when a sudden outburst from puck has them both looking over at him in confusion.

“are you all that stupid, seriously? i bet you thought bert and ernie were just roommates!” puck growls, looking at the others at they stare at him in shock. “maybe quinn’s got one in the oven!” he says firmly, raising an eyebrow as mercedes gasps and looks at the others before looking back at him.

“who’s the baby’s daddy?” she asks. puck rolls his eyes.

“who do you think? finn!”

santana and brittany look at each other just as rachel walks into the room talking about something that neither of them care about, and not a second later they’re jumping up from their seats and rushing towards the cheerios locker room in search for their friend.

how? how the fuck could this happen? it can’t be true, quinn’s a _virgin-_

“quinn!?”

they hear a sniffle just as they turn the corner to find quinn huddled in the corner sobbing into her knees, her whole body trembling from head to toe. santana feels her heart sink, and she looks to brittany to see tears shining in her eyes as they both rush over to her and sit down beside her. quinn looks up at them with mascara track marks staining her cheeks, and brittany simply pulls her into her side and holds her close as quinn begins crying into her neck loudly.

“i d-don’t kn-know what t-to do-.”

“shh, it’s okay.” brittany whispers, rubbing her arms consolingly while santana brushes quinn’s hair back from her face with panic running through her veins.

a baby? a fucking baby? quinn could barely manage herself how the hell was she gonna manage a baby?

“there’s options, quinn, heaps of options-.”

“like what? getting _rid_ of it?” quinn hisses, and that ends that discussion.

of course, part of santana wants to grill her for lying to them about being a fucking virgin mary, but she sees the way brittany is blinking back tears as she rubs quinn’s back, and she decides to table that throwdown for another point in time when everything is a little less chaotic.

quinn keeps her pregnancy under wraps, but it isn’t long before the school gossip, jacob ben israel finds out, and it’s splashed all over the school gossip newspaper. sue finds out as well, and quinn’s promptly kicked off the cheerios. her fall from grace is so like rebecca adams, it’s shocking, going from head bitch in charge and queen of the cheerios to that pregnant teen in the glee club, and santana would be lying if she said there’s a secret part of her that watches quinn’s downfall with slight satisfaction, but there’s also that part of her that sees quinn as a friend that hurts for her.

but when sue tells her she’s now her main lead for the running for head cheerleader as a result of quinn’s disgrace, she can’t help but jump up and down with glee in the locker rooms before she’s running to brittany to tell her, and when brittany scoops her up in her arms and spins her with a happy laugh of her own, she gets that feeling back of feeling on top of the world. it doesn’t matter if she’s in that dorkazoid glee club, she’s seconds away from becoming head cheerleader and this school will be _hers_ once again.

it’s when mr. schuester’s glee class for the week involves ballads with someone else that has the entire glee club sectioned off into pairs that things with her and brittany are finally addressed once more.

santana’s ecstatic when she pulls brittany’s name out of the hat, and it’s later on that evening in brittany’s room, when brittany is painting santana’s toenails while she looks up songs they can sing for glee club, that brittany suddenly stops and stares at her for a good thirty seconds before santana notices.

“what’s up?” she asks, frowning at the way brittany chews on her bottom lip before she’s capping the nail polish and placing it on her bedside table with a sigh.

“i wanna talk to you about that kiss we had in puck’s bathroom at his party a couple months ago, santana.” she says firmly.

santana feels her heart drop.

“okay…what about it?” santana says hoarsely, shutting brittany’s laptop and shifting it off to the side as brittany straightens up and leans in a little closer to her.

“well…i’ve been kissing a bunch of other guys on the football team and i’ve noticed that none of them really feel…right. not like you did.” brittany says quickly, teeth still gnawing on her bottom lip as santana swallows the lump that’s quickly forming in her throat in a panic.

“i mean…britt, it was just kissing, you said so yourself-.”

“no, i know, but…i was hoping maybe we could do it again.” she says simply, a small smile playing on her lips as she reaches out and takes santana’s hand into her own to interlace their fingers slowly. santana’s hand jerks at the contact, but she doesn’t pull away, and she’s staring at brittany dumbfounded for a hot minute before she scoffs and shakes her head.

“britt-britt, we were drunk, okay? girls kiss each other when they’re drunk all the time, it’s just a fun thing to do!” santana says with a nonchalant wave of her hand despite the way her heart is thrumming against her ribcage painfully right now, and brittany frowns once again in confusion at her.

“so, why can’t we do it again?” she asks. santana blinks at her.

“because we’re sober!” she exclaims. brittany’s confusion doesn’t fade for even a second.

“so we can’t have fun when we’re sober?” she asks, tilting her head to the side a bit on her confusion, and santana sighs in frustration and sinks back against her bed, head hitting the pillows with a dull thump.

“that’s not what i’m saying!” she sighs, rubbing her eyes tiredly before she looks up at the ceiling in an effort to _not_ stare at brittany and those goddamn crystal blue eyes of hers again.

she can’t believe they’re even having this conversation right now-

“what are you saying then?” brittany prods, her fingers digging slightly into santana’s calves and causing her to twitch as she looks down at brittany with exasperation. “you don’t wanna kiss me.” brittany concludes, nodding her head once with that goddamn pout again and causing santana to jump up with a cry.

“no! i m-mean…fuck, brittany, _of course_ i want to, but…i d-don’t know, girls don’t kiss other girls, and you’ve seen how they treat the gay kids at our school-.”

“what does us kissing have to do with the other kids at school?” brittany asks, raising an eyebrow and watching as santana battles mentally with herself for a solid two minutes, the war in her head ongoing just like it has been for the last two months since puck’s party.

_you wanna kiss her again, just go for it, no one needs to know!_

but what if someone finds out!?

_no one’s gonna find out, just as long as you both keep your mouth shut!_

santana chews on the inside of her cheek so roughly, she’s positive she’s worked through the flesh of it before she finally looks up at brittany and lets out a shaky sigh.

“britt, we can’t tell anyone. i’m serious, no one can find out about us if we do this, not anyone in the glee club, _no one._ it has to stay between us, do you understand?” santana says firmly, reaching out and gripping brittany’s hand in her own with a squeeze to make sure the severity of what she’s saying is getting through to the blonde, but she needn’t worry.

brittany simply grins widely and nods furiously.

“yeah, totally. i’m fine with that.” she says, squeezing santana’s hand back, and the girl lets out a sigh of relief before she’s smiling and letting out a nervous chuckle in an attempt to expel some of the anxiety building inside of her.

“okay…okay, good!” she croaks out. it’s quiet for a few moments, their hands still intertwined before brittany licks her lips and looks at santana earnestly.

“so…can i kiss you now?” she asks softly. santana once again finds herself swallowing thickly before she simply nods once, and brittany smiles before she’s pushing herself up onto her knees and reaching a hand out to cradle santana’s cheek, her lips ever so softly brushing against santana’s.

santana’s heart begins pounding in her ears, her whole body trembling as she grips brittany’s elbow with a shaking hand and pulls her a little closer. brittany takes that as a hint to deepen their kiss, lips capturing santana’s top one tenderly, and santana doesn’t realize she’s leaning back down onto her pillows until she feels the softness of her mattress underneath her back and her head against soft pillows. brittany moves with her, grunts a little when her stomach hits santana’s propped up knees, and santana giggles and drops her legs, widening them to allow brittany to fill the space between them, which she does.

the second brittany’s chest hits hers, santana bites back a groan at the feeling of it, because _fuck it feels good,_ but brittany just swallows any attempts at noise with a kiss that has santana’s head completely spinning. they’re still in their cheerios uniforms, and the feeling of brittany’s soft legs tangling with her own has santana’s shaking fingers reaching up for the band pulling brittany’s hair into a ponytail. she pulls it almost recklessly, winces when brittany hisses at the way she tugs on it as brittany’s hair falls in soft waves around her shoulders, and before she can apologize, brittany’s reaching for the band in her hair and tugging on it with a playful growl and a grin back.

“ow! bitch.” santana laughs, wincing as the back of her head throbs slightly from being held in a ponytail all day once her hair is loose and falls onto her pillow in messy curls.

“mmm, i like your hair like this, i wish we could wear it out more often.” brittany murmurs against her lips, kissing her once and mewling slightly when santana begins massaging the spot at the back of her blonde head where her ponytail was.

“sue would kill us, but i’d be up for some rebellion.” santana mumbles back, capturing her lips once again to stop her response because honestly, she doesn’t want to talk about sue sylvester right now.

santana has no idea how long they’re making out for, until her throat is dry and her lips feel slightly cracked, but her mother is visiting her sister in lima heights and she knows she won’t be back till late because her aunt has a tendency to drone on and on for hours.

so when brittany’s hand that’s not curled around santana’s back begins to wander down to scratch down her tanned thigh, santana leans up into her touch almost unconsciously with a moan that has brittany pulling away from her with a wide eyed look that’s heavy with arousal.

seriously, santana can see the way her pupils dilate and the blue seems to shine even darker.

the next words that tumble out of her mouth feel jumbled in her haze of delirium from the way brittany just gripping her thigh is sending her heart into a frenzy, but she doesn’t feel any regret when she says them like she does when she’s with puck.

there’s no guilt, no anger, no feeling of ‘let’s just get this over with’.

all she feels is a need unlike anything she’s ever felt before. a need for brittany to _keep going._

“please, _please,_ brittany, keep going!” she pleads, reaching for the hand that was on her thigh to place it there once again, and when brittany’s nails dig in slightly once more, santana lets out a needy sigh and wraps her hands around the back of brittany’s neck to bring her back down to her lips, but brittany pulls back and looks down at her with this look santana’s never seen before in her entire fucking life since she met brittany.

it’s not uncertainty by any means, and santana can see brittany wants this just as much as she does, but brittany is looking at her like she’s scared _santana_ might not want it, and her suspicions are confirmed when brittany whispers her next words right against her lips.

“san…san, are you sure?” her breath tickles santana’s lips and with the way her entire body is on fucking fire right now, santana finds herself whining before she nods desperately and props her leg up so brittany’s hand slides further down until it’s hiked up way past her cheerios skirt.

“ _yes_ , i’m positive, just _don’t stop-._ ”

when brittany’s hands move up to the bottom of her cheerios top to lift it up and over her head before they’re moving under her back to unhook her bra, santana doesn’t feel like covering up or pulling brittany’s face to hers when she pulls the material off so she doesn’t look at her chest like she did with brody. there’s no self consciousness about how small her boobs are, there’s just this heavy thrumming that vibrates throughout her whole body as brittany looks down at her chest with her mouth slightly hanging open in awe before she’s bending her head down to kiss over them.

santana’s not sure what cloud she’s floating on, cause it feels beyond nine as brittany’s nails dig into her sides while santana’s hands battle with the hem of brittany’s cheerios top to rip it off her in similar fashion.

when brittany’s hands cup her breasts before kisses are being pressed to every inch of her neck, santana doesn’t push her off and tell her to keep her hands to herself like she does with puck, just leans into her touch with a soft whimper and trembling legs that collapse beneath her when brittany kisses her jaw before finally returning to her mouth with a needy sigh of her own.

when brittany reaches for the zip on the side of her cheerios skirt and tugs it down before she’s pulling it off her legs along with her spanks and underwear, santana realizes this is the most exposed she’s ever been during sex before, and it begins to dawn on her that this is so different than anything she’s had with any guy before, and not just because brittany’s a girl.

but because brittany’s her best friend. because brittany is someone she cares about. because she _trusts_ brittany with her entire heart and soul.

when santana manages to get brittany’s cheerios shirt off, she stares in wonder at the expanse of milky white skin before her in absolute awe of how beautiful brittany is before her, fingers almost playing connect the dots with the small beauty marks on brittany’s toned and defined stomach before brittany’s taking her hands and pressing a kiss to her palms with a smile.

there’s a nagging part in the back of her mind telling her that this is wrong, but she can’t focus on that voice when brittany’s hands feel like fire against her skin, and even flushed and slightly sweaty, brittany looks so goddamn _beautiful_ , it’s hard for santana to feel anything but how much she _wants_ her, so when brittany looks up at her with a slightly panicked look in her eyes, santana can’t help but smile softly at her to try and reassure her.

“it’s okay, i want it, britt-.”

“i know, i do, too, it’s just…this is kind of new and i don’t really…know…” brittany trails off with a heavy blush creeping onto her cheeks, and santana laughs softly before she takes brittany’s hand and places it between her thighs even though she’s not exactly sure what she’s doing, either.

“i think…i think it w-would be like touching yourself just…touching someone else.” santana whispers breathlessly, unable to stop the smile appearing on her face when brittany pants heavily and looks up in acknowledgement with a wide grin.

“okay, that seems easy!” she says cheerily, prompting santana to laugh loudly as she cradles brittany’s cheek and brings her down for a soft kiss.

“why, you get yourself off a lot, britt-britt?” she whispers against her lips, relishing in the shudder that sends up brittany’s spine as the girl nudges her nose against santana’s playfully.

“guys don’t know what they’re doing sometimes, i have to sneak into the bathroom to get myself off.” she grumbles, and santana’s eyes widen as she pulls back with a shocked gasp.

“oh my gosh, me too! puck is-.” before she can finish her sentence, brittany rolls her eyes and kisses her fiercely before pulling back with a grin.

“san?”

“yeah?”

“don’t talk about him right now.” brittany says with a scrunch of her nose in disgust, and santana’s about to laugh when brittany’s fingers suddenly begin brushing above her center.

“r-right, sorry- _fuck!_ ” santana shudders as brittany’s fingers come into contact with her, and after that, everything is a blur of arousal and spine tingling pleasure for the both of them. touching brittany is like touching gold, and santana’s so scared, but brittany kisses her reassuringly and santana feels like maybe she’s doing okay, especially when brittany shudders beneath her and whispers in her ear to beg her to keep going.

their first time is nothing like santana expected it to be, and now looking back at it, is everything santana _wanted_ it to be. it’s what comes after that santana wishes she could forget.

because experience at that point had taught her that sex is meant to be something to help her climb the social ladder, that it’s meant to be something that’s done just to get off and that’s it.

this is different. this is intimate in a way santana’s never felt before at all, and in the moment, it’s amazing, it’s perfect, and it’s everything santana’s ever wanted.

it’s only after, when brittany zips up her cheerios skirt with her skin still flushed and leans over to press a kiss to her lips that the thoughts begin to creep into her mind and plague her.

she shouldn’t have enjoyed that as much as she should have. she shouldn’t have, but she did and now she’s so fucking confused, because it doesn’t make sense, none of it does. brittany made her feel something she’s never felt before, brittany made her feel like maybe she fucking matters, brittany didn’t just use her to get off and slap her ass after to let her know she was good. brittany treated her like she was special, like she cared, and santana doesn’t know why that’s getting to her, but she finds tears building in her eyes at the thought of it.

what if they develop feelings for each other? what if this goes beyond that? what if they fall in love, what if they start dating?

_you fall down the social ladder, your fall from grace, just like quinn, just like rebecca._

that can’t happen. santana refuses to be thrown into a fucking dumpster, refuses to be called anything derogatory, refuses to let that school make her feel anything less than what she is: fucking amazing.

so, when brittany comes over a few days later once again and leans in to kiss her, santana turns her head and lets her lips land on her cheek before she’s tugging on brittany’s skirt with a small smirk playing on her lips.

“we can get our sweet lady kisses on later, britt-britt, right now i wants in that cheerios skirt and i wants in now.”

brittany doesn’t object, and if she’s confused by the way santana suddenly stops the intimacy and changes the way they do things from their first time, she doesn’t say anything. just smiles and takes her top off so santana can admire her body before she’s pulling her down on top of her with a giggle.

it’s rough, and it’s different, but brittany doesn’t complain, so neither does santana. it feels almost similar to what she has with puck, like it’s a transaction more than it’s an act of intimacy between them, but it’s still so much better than anything she has with puck that santana finds as the weeks go by that, she can’t complain about it. brittany is still her best friend, still giggles with her afterwards and talks about how much the boys at their school suck, and it’s just them having a good time. santana can’t get enough of it.

things are going perfectly. brittany and her are keeping their relationship secret, and there’s no feelings involved and…everything’s fine.

until a few weeks later and within a single day, mercedes is poking at a bruise on her neck with a cackle and santana’s slapping her hand away angrily.

“girl, who gave you that?” mercedes teases.

“who do you think, aretha? puck did! now back off!” she growls, pulling a small compact mirror from her bag and holding it up to her neck to see that yep, there’s a gigantic fucking hickey from brittany shining proudly on her pulse point.

_fuck._

“pftt, please, i haven’t touched you in weeks, santana. lost count of how many guys you’re sleeping with?” puck scowls, glaring at her as she looks back at him in shock, trying to count back to when she last slept with him only to find that he’s right. she hasn’t slept with him in weeks…because she’s been sleeping with brittany.

_fuck, fucking fuck!_

“oh, screw you, puckerman!” she tries to hiss, but her voice just cracks from the panic rising in her throat.

“just say the word, baby.” he says, making a kissy face as she looks beside her at brittany with wide eyes. brittany simply ducks her head guiltily, but there’s a smile playing on her lips, and santana knows this is treading on dangerous waters.

she’s starting to lose her hold on puck, like the leash is being lifted because she’s so fucking preoccupied with brittany, and puck’s her safety net. she loses him, she loses her credibility, her popularity, her entire fucking safe guard from any kinds of rumors that might go around about what exactly her and brittany get up to at her place after school every day.

so later on that week, out of impulse that she’ll blame on her adhd and not her fear of falling, she finds herself texting puck instead of inviting brittany over.

**you [18:59]**

_what r u up to?_

his reply comes not a minute later.

**fuckerman [19:00]**

_babysitting w/ q. wut r u doing? ;)_

santana lets out a shaky breath, and she’s about to reply when another message comes through and her heart sinks.

**britt-britt [19:00]**

_can i come over 4 sum sweet lady kisses? xo_

santana stares at it for a long time before she blinks back tears and finds herself going back to puck’s messages with an aching heart.

**you [19:03]**

_thinkin’ bout puck jr. ;) come over when ur done w/ quinn so i can show u what ur missing._

she doesn’t reply to brittany’s message.

when she spots quinn in the hallways at school, she slams her locker door shut with a smirk and adds extra rasp to her voice as she states:

“keep your paws _off_ my man. clear?”

quinn looks shocked and hurt, something that confuses santana because last she checked, quinn was dating finn who was also her baby’s father, but she shrugs it off, because right now all santana can think about it is how this will get people off hers and brittany’s trail for a bit, and that’s all she cares about, friendship with quinn be damned.

it’s a month later, when they’re a week or so away from sectionals with the glee club _and_ the cheerios, and with quinn continuing to pull away from her after her stint with puck and her friendship with the girl strained, that santana invites brittany over for some stress relief for the both of them.

and it’s then that brittany begins to question everything.

santana can see there’s something she wants to talk about from the second santana drags her upstairs to her room, and when santana attempts to push her down onto her bed, brittany grips her waist and stops her with a shake of her head and a soft smile.

“wait, i wanna talk to you about something.” she murmurs, looking up at her and squeezing her hips slightly as santana frowns and reaches for the band keeping her hair up regardless.

“okay…shoot.” she says simply, pulling her hair out and fluffing it as brittany sighs and chews on her bottom lip with hesitation.

“santana…are we dating?” she asks softly.

santana’s heart drops.

“what?” she says blankly, her throat constricting with each passing second as brittany fingers the zip of her cheerios skirt with a shrug.

“it’s just that we’ve been doing this for awhile now and-.”

“having sex doesn’t mean we’re dating, brittany.” santana says sharply, tucking a finger under brittany’s chin to get her to look up at her. brittany blinks once and that frown mars her brow once more.

“it doesn’t?”

“no! besides, me and puck are on again…kind of.” santana says firmly, sighing as she reaches for the back of brittany’s ponytail this time to drag the band down and off. brittany winces slightly, and santana’s not sure if it’s from her tugging on her hair or from the words she’s just said.

“since when?” brittany grumbles. santana shrugs.

“i don’t know. since awhile ago.” she murmurs back. brittany sighs and her eyes flutter closed as santana begins running her fingers through her hair to loosen it up from the ponytail it was just in.

“santana, if you’re dating puck again, we can’t keep doing this.” brittany whispers, looking up at her so sadly, santana feels her heart break, but instead she frowns and looks at brittany in confusion.

“uh…why not?” she asks, brushing her thumb over brittany’s brow to stop her from frowning as the girl sighs once again.

“isn’t that cheating?” she says in a small voice, almost like she’s ashamed, and santana’s taken aback for a second by her words.

is that what she is? is she a cheater for what she’s doing with brittany behind puck’s back? granted, her and puck aren’t even officially dating, they’re just screwing each other, and her and brittany are both girls, so that means it can’t be cheating, right?

_right?_

“what?! no, of course it’s not, it’s…we’re both girls, britt, the plumbing’s all…different!” santana says confidently, nodding her head as if that somehow makes the words solidly true, and brittany looks up at her in surprise before she’s smiling widely.

“really?” santana grins and leans down to peck her cheek quickly.

“yeah! you’re stressing for nothing, okay? now lay back, i wants to get my lady kisses on!” she sings playfully, relishing in the soft giggle brittany lets out at the sound of it. 

it’s a couple days later, when santana walks in on a conversation between mercedes and kurt in the choir room that things get flipped on their head once again.

“hang on, wheezy, repeat what you just said?!” santana demands, not believing what she just heard and watching as kurt and mercedes whip around from where they’re sitting at the piano and mercedes ducks her head with a groan.

“ugh, dammit! alright, get over here and close the door behind you, and if you say a word of this to anyone, i swear to God, santana, i will rip that weave right off your head!”

finding out that puck is actually the father of quinn’s baby and not finn should send santana in a tailspin, because by her calculations, it should mean that quinn slept with puck while he and santana were dating in the beginning of the school year, also fucking meaning that he cheated on her _with_ quinn, but all she can think about is that regardless of the fact that as far as she’s concerned, her thing with brittany isn’t cheating because they’re two girls and it doesn’t count, it _totally_ makes it valid considering puck cheated first, and she finds herself smirking as she looks at mercedes with a shrug after she tells her.

“quinn’s my homegirl. don’t worry, i won’t say a word.”

but of course, none of that matters when rachel begins to suspect something’s up a few days out from sectionals when both puck and finn rush to quinn’s side after she slips, her heavily pregnant belly getting in her way from getting back up off the floor again.

she’s walking down the hallways, pinkies linked with brittany when kurt walks past them and quickly whispers as he walks by:

“rachel’s onto the quinn/puck/finn situation.” he hisses before he’s disappearing around the corner again, and santana looks up at brittany in shock.

“fucking berry!” she hisses, reaching into her pocket for her phone as brittany looks at her in confusion.

“what situation?” santana rolls her eyes and links their pinkies once more as she scrolls through her contacts for mercedes’s number.

“puck’s the father of quinn’s baby, not finn, and if rachel finds out, she’s gonna tell finn because she’s so far deep in the love sinkhole with that walking beluga whale, and he’s probably gonna kick puck’s ass, which could ruin sectionals for us! we’ve gotta stop her.”

santana sees a notification for a party call with artie, tina and mercedes and quickly enters before adding brittany, who takes her phone out of her pocket as it rings and accepts the call, too.

“we just heard, who told?” santana sighs, making her way down the steps quickly.

“we assumed it was you.” artie says firmly. santana rolls her eyes.

“why would i do that?!” she glowers.

“to get back at puck! aren’t you guys dating?” kurt asks in that annoying high pitched voice of his, and santana rolls her eyes once again at the stupidity of these dorky virgins on the phone with her.

  
“sex is not dating!” she states firmly.

and then:

“if it were, santana and i would be dating.” brittany says firmly.

santana freezes.

she stares at brittany in blank shock as the line goes dead, as a hush of quiet comes over everyone as they absorb what brittany just said in confusion, and brittany looks at her with slightly wide eyes, as if she herself is shocked at what she just said.

_fuck, why the fuck-_

damage control, she needs to do damage control and fucking _quickly-_

“look, i don’t wanna rock the boat! since quinn got pregnant, i’m top dog around here.” santana manages to get out despite how fast her heart is racing when mercedes’s glorious voice cuts through.

“hold up, rachel’s walking by! hey, hot mama!…she’s gone. look, i know i screwed up telling all you guys about quinn and puck, and i feel really terrible about it, but we cannot let rachel figure this out! if she tells finn, he’s going to flip!” she pleads, clearly not even remotely bothered by what brittany just said as kurt’s voice cuts through next.

“and then we really have no chance at sectionals.” he deadpans. santana hears three frustrated sighs before the line goes dead completely, and she shuts her phone and looks over at brittany to see her biting on her bottom lip guiltily as she avoids eye contact with santana.

santana grabs her wrist and drags her into the nearest girls’ bathroom, and she quickly checks under every single stall to make sure it’s empty before she’s rounding on brittany in anger.

“what the hell was that?!” she cries out, glaring at brittany as the girl rubs her arm awkwardly with a shrug.

“i-i don’t know, it just slipped out-.”

“slipped out?! britt, what happened to us keeping this between _us_?” santana exclaims, pointing between the both of them repeatedly as brittany continues to look at the ground sheepishly. “brittany, no one can know about us, how many times do i have to tell you that?!” santana growls, stepping forward in an attempt to get the girl to do something other than pout, and to her surprise, brittany looks up at her with a glare of her own.

“why?” she deadpans.

“why what?!” santana snaps with a roll of her eyes, crossing her arms over her chest standoffishly.

“why can’t anyone know about us? i mean…what’s the worst that could happen-.” brittany starts, but the second santana hears those words, she snaps.

“the worst that could happen?! we join quinn and all the other dorks in glee club in loserville and get kicked off the cheerios and thrown into dumpsters, _that’s_ the worst that could happen! is that what you want, brittany?!” santana says angrily, stepping closer to her and watching as brittany stands her own and crosses her own arms over her chest with a huff.

“no, but i don’t like it when you call everyone in glee club ‘dorks’. _we’re_ in glee club too, santana. and they’re our friends.” she says firmly. santana scoffs in disbelief.

“oh, please, they’re hardly our friends-.”

“well, they’re _my_ friends. and maybe if you put more of an effort in, they could be _your_ friends, too.” brittany states, a fire burning in her eyes that has santana blinking in shock before she lets out a nervous laugh and throws her arms up in exasperation.

“i-this…we’re not talking about friendships and glee club, brittany! you just told everyone that we’re sleeping together!” she hisses, and to her surprise, brittany simply shrugs.

“and none of them even cared! and you know why? because even if you don’t see them as _your_ friends, they see _us_ as _theirs,_ which means they care about us and would never judge us, so what is it that you’re so afraid of, santana?” brittany says not in anger, but with concise words that seem to cut right through santana as she slumps in defeat, because…she’s right.

if there’s anywhere where they’re safe to be themselves, it’s with the glee club. fuck, they’re all different in that club, a bunch of rejects and losers, but brittany’s right. when santana’s with them, singing and dancing and just goofing off, she can’t help but feel like all her problems outside that stupid choir room don’t matter. like popularity and keeping it aren’t the be all and end all, like…like she can just be herself.

but it does exist. her popularity and keeping it is all that matters to her because she knows it’s the only way she’s going to survive this hellhole for another two and a half years. she can’t lose it now, she just…

“i…i can’t, britt, i just…i’m sorry, i c-can’t.” santana whispers, blinking back tears and looking up to see brittany’s eyes shining with her own tears as she swallows loudly and steps forward before pulling santana into her arms slowly.

“i know. i’m sorry, i didn’t mean to slip up, it just came out…” brittany whispers into her hair, and santana finds herself collapsing into brittany’s arms in exhaustion, head buried into her neck and arms wrapping around her waist with a sigh.

“i know. i know, it’s…it’s okay. it’ll be fine.” santana murmurs against her skin, placing a soft kiss to her pulse and smiling despite herself at the way brittany giggles at how her lips tickle her skin, and a few moments pass of just the both of them holding each other close before santana pulls away and quickly wipes under her eyes to expel any tears with a sniff.

“let’s just…let’s just focus on keeping rachel’s beak out of quinn’s business, at least until sectionals is over, okay? we’ll deal with whatever comes after when it comes.”

of course, that plan doesn’t work. rachel opens her stupid fat mouth and tells finn, and he’s abandoning them right before sectionals and they’re boarding the bus and heading there without him.

and then they’re watching as the two other groups performing are performing _their_ numbers.

santana’s pretty sure her blood’s never boiled that hot before.

watching those jane addams girls roll around in wheelchairs to ‘proud mary’, something _they_ came up with to support artie, and watching those deaf kids sing ‘don’t stop believin’, it’s fucking devastating, and when rachel calls a meeting in the green room, they’re all in a panic trying to figure out what the fuck they’re supposed to do next.

they can’t go up there and perform the songs the two other teams just performed. they’ll be a laughing stock!

add in the fact that they don’t even have mr. schuester here with them because his dumb ass got disqualified for accepting the mattresses they got as a present for doing a commercial for a local mattress store, and yeah, they’re really in the fucking shit now-

“it was you two, wasn’t it?!”

santana spins around at the sound of kurt’s voice, eyes wide as the rest of the glee club looks at her and brittany like they’ve just committed treason. __

“you leaked the setlist! you don’t wanna be here, you’re just sue sylvester’s little moles!” he hisses, perhaps intending to be intimidating, but it’s like a fucking pipsqueak trying to intimate a lion as far as santana’s concerned-

  
“i know for a fact that’s true, sue asked us to spy for her.” quinn says firmly as she walks past them, and santana glares at her in anger for her betrayal before she looks around the room at everyone with a scoff.

“look, we may still be cheerios, but neither of us ever gave sue the setlist!” she growls, before-

“well, i…i did, but i didn’t know what she was gonna do with it.” brittany mumbles guiltily, playing with her sleeves and looking at santana apologetically, and santana simply sighs and squeezes her wrist before she looks at the others once more before they start attacking brittany.

no way in hell are these dorks gonna attack her favorite girl.

“okay, look, believe what you want, but no one’s forcing me to be here, and if you ever tell anyone this, i’ll deny it, but…” santana hesitates, looks up at brittany to see her smiling before she sighs and shrugs. “i like being in glee club! it’s the best part of my day, okay? i wasn’t gonna go and mess it up.” santana sinks down into the seat by the wall and tries her best not to feel like a loser, when out of nowhere-

“i believe you.” santana looks up at rachel in surprise, and when she sees rachel smiling genuinely at her, santana finds herself smiling back.

dammit…she’s gonna have to be nice to rachel berry now, isn’t she?

to their shock, finn returns just as their about an hour away from performing on stage, and manages to scrounge up a plan that has santana working with brittany, mike and matt to come up with some choreography while they pick new songs. santana rolls her eyes when rachel tells them her plans to do a solo to start them off, but doesn’t bother arguing because she knows she won’t win. sure, she’d love a share in the spotlight, but right now they need to work as a team, and, as much as she’d never admit it, she wants them to win this.

and they do.

it’s crazy, how winning sectionals makes her feel high, but it’s brittany hugging her close and lifting her off the ground that makes her feel like she’s won more than just a singing competition.

if only she knew just how more complicated things would get after that.


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> chapters are gonna be slowing down as we head into Christmas unfortunately because I'm working a lot more and don't have much time to write. sorry guys.

their focus turns to regionals after that, and to santana’s surprise, no one brings up brittany mentioning that they’ve been sleeping together at all.

well, no one in the glee club.

azimio adams, however, does open his big fat mouth when he sees santana and brittany walking down the hallways, pinkies linked with a skip in their step, and santana feels her blood boil the second she hears him call out.

“hey, mind making out a little for a bit of a show, ladies?!”

santana’s about to give him a show of her foot meeting his balls with a swift kick, but it’s brittany tugging on her pinkie and pulling her away that stops her as they walk into the choir room for glee practice with a disgruntled santana and an exasperated brittany.

“they want a reaction and you’re giving them one. just ignore them, san.”

later on in the day, sue calls her and brittany into her office, and the suggestion she makes in an effort to bring down the glee club once and for all has santana’s heart dropping down to somewhere beneath her toes.

“you’re familiar with a little glee clubber named rachel berry. rachel’s the kinda girl who wants things too badly. and what she really wants is one finn hudson. i want you to go after him. she’ll go crazy, she won’t be able to stand you’re dating him. humiliated, shamed, she’ll have no choice but to leave the group. and without her, schuester won’t make it to regionals.”

it’s later, when they’re in the girls bathroom and santana’s checking under the stalls to make sure no one’s eavesdropping on them, that brittany looks at her with her bottom lip caught between her teeth anxiously.

“i don’t really know if i wanna do this, santana. finn’s kind of nice and i don’t wanna hurt him.” she murmurs softly, and santana can’t help but smile because, fuck it, brittany is such a good person and santana kinda feels like she doesn’t really deserve her, but sue is inches away from giving her the head cheerleader position and santana’s not about to lose that.

“it’s just one date, britt-britt. we’ll be fine. besides, we’re helping finn by keeping him away from rachel as far as i’m concerned, that midget would drive him up the wall within a week if they actually started dating properly.” santana mumbles, and brittany frowns before she nods slowly in agreement.

“she is really annoying.”

and with that, they stage a plan.

finn jumps around like an idiot singing ‘hello, i love you’ by the doors in the choir room one day, and when he’s done, santana and brittany link pinkies with a grin and make their way over to him.

“you’re a really good dancer.” brittany says with a smile, and finn turns to look at them in surprise before he grins back at her.

“thanks, but my feet weren’t really moving.” he jokes.

“that was the best part.” brittany deadpans. santana holds back a laugh so violently, she’s positive her ribs are about to explode from the pressure as finn visibly deflates at the backhanded compliment.

“oh…”

“britt and i were wondering if you wanted to go out?” santana says once she’s calmed down. finn looks to them both in confusion.

“uh, on a date? with which one of you?” he asks. santana links arms with brittany as they exchange a glance before they both put on their best flirty voices and:

“with both of us.”

the look of glee on finn’s face is priceless.

later on that night, with santana’s lips practically devouring the skin of brittany’s collarbone as they lay on brittany’s bed, the blonde shifts underneath her with a breathy gasp before she’s tangling her fingers in santana’s hair to pull her gaze up with a look of concern, and santana’s lips disconnect from her with a loud pop as she looks up at her in confusion.

“san…are you sure you wanna go ahead with this date with finn?” brittany whispers, looking at her with eyes that tell her she’s looking unsure herself as santana sighs and pushes herself up a little to look down at her with a smile.

“not really, but…sue’s so close to giving me that head cheerleader spot and i know doing this will get me there. i know you don’t wanna do it, britt, but i need my girl with me. will you do it for me?” santana asks with a pout, one that instantly has brittany’s eyes lighting up before she nods furiously.

“of course, santana. i’ll do anything for you.” she says firmly, and santana can’t help the grin that spreads across her face at those words as she leans in to kiss her on the lips sweetly.

“that’s my girl.” she murmurs against them before she’s ducking back down to suck a bruise onto her collarbone that has brittany moaning and arching into her touch with a sigh.

the next night at seven forty-five, fifteen minutes away from finn picking them up from santana’s house, brittany throws santana a curveball that has her reeling a little about their status. especially when brittany grips her by the waist of her cheerios skirt with a pout and a sad look in her eyes.

“we don’t have to like…kiss him or hook up with him tonight, do we?” she mutters, eyes downcast like she’s really against the whole idea as santana tucks a finger under her chin to lift her gaze in order to brush some blush over her cheeks with a frown.

“i don’t know, maybe. why, you don’t want to?” santana asks distractedly, only pausing when brittany grips the wrist of her left hand that’s holding the brush to stop her with a shake of her head.

“no. i kinda wish we could just stay here and i could get my sweet lady kisses from you.” she says softly, that pout playing on her lips, and at those words, santana finds herself blinking wildly before she clears her throat and dips her brush back into the blush compactor she’s holding in order to distract herself from the deep blue of brittany’s eyes.

“i…britt, sue wants us to do this.” santana murmurs, chewing on the inside of her cheek anxiously as she begins swiping blush on brittany’s other cheek. the girl lets out a long sigh.

“why do we have to do what she says?” she grumbles. santana looks at her in shock.

“because she’s our coach!”

“and? she’s mean sometimes, and you said yourself you’d be up for a little rebellion.” brittany says with a dash of hope that has santana licking her lips in hesitation.

she wishes she could stay right here in this bed with brittany, too, even with her mom downstairs, they’ve long learned to keep quiet when they’re sleeping over at each other’s houses and getting their french kiss on, but they _have_ to do this if they want to stay on the team!

santana’s not about to flush her hard work down the drain.

but brittany looks so defeated, and santana can see it in her eyes that she really doesn’t want to hook up with finn tonight.

so…she devises a plan. anything to make her girl happy.

“okay, how about this. we use tonight as a way of planting the idea in finn’s head that dating rachel is only gonna score him loser points and that he should be dating someone hot and popular like us! and then we’ll offer to make out in front of him instead of hooking up _with_ him, so that way we’re teasing him _and_ keeping him interested and _we_ don’t have to actually hook up with him yet. sound good?” santana says simply, grinning as brittany mulls it over before she’s chuckling and leaning up to press a kiss to the corner of santana’s mouth tenderly.

“you’re kind of an evil genius, santana.” she giggles. santana grins widely and kisses her properly this time.

“what can i say? i grew up in lima heights with my abuela, and there’s a reason they call her _‘la bruja’_ in the neighborhood.”

finn picks them up, santana calls over her shoulder to her mother that she’s going out to dinner and her mother barely looks up from her telenovelas before santana’s out the door with her pinkie linked in brittany’s.

the date is boring, but it plants the seed of doubt in finn’s mind. at least, santana thinks it does. brittany’s got all her attention and keeps making jokes that have her laughing, and santana finds herself asking finn to leave them alone to continue the date by themselves before she can help herself half way through it.

it’s nice to be out in the open in public with brittany, the both of them just hanging out and gossiping. they’ve been so cooped up in their rooms lately, it feels…different. and not in a bad way at all.

santana finds herself daydreaming of a day where they’ll be able to do this as a couple, but the idea immediately has her body breaking out in a cold sweat, her heart racing as she thinks of the looks and stares they’ll get as a result. she can’t subject herself to that, or brittany, she can’t…

feelings are being caught now. this is getting dangerous. santana knows what she needs to do, it’s just doing it that’s giving her pause.

their plan ends up failing with finn, and sue is disappointed in them and practically demands them to leave after scolding them, and santana can see the head cheerios position fading from her before her very eyes as she rounds on brittany as soon as they leave her office.

“dammit, britt! we should’ve hooked up with him!” she growls, watching as brittany sighs and sinks against their locker doors with a grimace as soon as they reach them.

“yeah…i think sue is really angry at us.” she mumbles guiltily.

“and there goes any hope of me getting captain of the cheerios.” santana sighs, slamming the back of her head against her locker in frustration. santana hesitates before she looks over at brittany and lets out an almost mournful sigh.

“britt, maybe…maybe we should put our whole ‘let’s hook up’ routine on hold for the moment.” santana whispers, quickly checking around them to make sure no one is eavesdropping, and brittany’s eyes widen before santana sees the panic that quickly fills them.

“what, why?”

“‘cause, britt…we both didn’t wanna hook up with finn because of it, and now look where it’s gotten us!” santana whines, but before she can make more of an argument, brittany steps closer to her with her eyes shining underneath the fluorescent lights of the ceiling.

“but…i don’t want us to stop. i like your sweet lady kisses.” she whispers, her lips pursing to hold back tears, and God, the sight is so heartbreaking, santana finds herself swallowing her own emotions down at the sight of it.

“britt…” she has no idea what to say, the truth is, she doesn’t want this to end, either, but she’s worked so damn hard to be captain of the cheerios, she can’t lose sight of her goal now. quinn was the only thing standing in her way before, and now she’s out because she’s the size of an obese woman-

“what if we agree not to hold each other back anymore? i mean, it’s like you said, it’s not really cheating because we’re both girls, so if we get boyfriends, it won’t be a problem!” brittany says suddenly, pulling santana out of her thoughts as she looks at the girl in hesitation.

that’s only part of the problem here and santana knows it. the fact that they both didn’t want to hook up with finn means feelings are developing and santana knows that it’s gonna be hard for them to stop once they start…isn’t it better to just nip it in the butt from now?

“i don’t know, britt…” brittany suddenly grips her hand tightly, and santana looks up in her eyes and immediately crumples in defeat.

_damn those beautiful, big blue eyes of hers…_

“come on, san. i really like our sleepovers.” she murmurs, and the second those long fingers of her brush up and down her forearm, santana finds herself practically fighting not to gnaw her bottom lip off because the urge to push brittany into the nearest girls’ bathroom and shove her fingers inside her is ripping through her body like a freight train-

“okay, fine. but it’s like you said, no holding each other back, especially not when it’ll help us stay on the social ladder. promise?” santana says quickly, holding her pinkie out and grinning when brittany jumps in delight and links their pinkies immediately.

“promise!”

and that’s that. everything stays the same, except now she and brittany are totally open and okay about them sleeping with other people in order to a) keep their thing a secret and b) keep their popularity, and santana thinks her issues with finn are over.

oh, how wrong she is.

sue ends up on some weird trip a couple weeks later asking them to embody the spirit of madonna in an attempt to get them inspired to win nationals this year for the sixth year in a row for the cheerios, and is asking them to find boyfriends for reasons santana _still_ doesn’t understand, but then rachel is in glee club asking them for advice about what to do when a guy asks for sex because she’s dating that guy from the other choir team, and santana’s barely taking the conversation in at all because, out of nowhere, brittany pokes her side and pulls her attention to her before she’s smiling and grabbing santana’s hand to rest it in her lap. santana raises an eyebrow, but finds herself letting her do so when brittany begins brushing her fingers over her forearm, skating them back and forth in this affectionate way that has santana unable to bite back the smile that forms on her face.

it’s after rachel’s little pow wow as they make their way into the hallway that tina sidles up to them with a smile as she pokes santana’s side playfully.

“hey…you two were kinda cozy in there. have you decided to make it official?” she asks them cheerily. santana pauses and glares at her in an attempt to look menacing despite how fast her heart is racing.

“what the hell are you talking about, alice cullen?” she growls. tina’s smile fades immediately, replaced with fear as her eyes widen.

“i…you and brittany are sleeping together, aren’t you?” she asks, looking between the both of them in a panic.

“that’s none of your goddamn business, so how about you get out of my face before i knock your fangs out, freakshow?!” santana hisses, taking a step closer to her and watching with a smirk as tina scurries away down the hallway with her tail tucked between her legs.

“santana, you didn’t need to do that.” brittany says sternly. santana glares at her now.

“what?! she was all up in my grill! where the hell does she get off at, questioning us like we’re best friends or something?” brittany shakes her head, but there’s a smile playing on her lips regardless as santana harshly rips open her locker with a frustrated growl.

“you’re cute when you’re mad.” brittany comments, but santana doesn’t acknowledge it as she reapplies her lip gloss in the mirror attached to her locker door.

“ugh, sue’s right, i need to get some man candy on my arm and stat. puck’s all over quinn ever since everyone found out he’s the baby daddy and my popularity is taking a dip, big time!” santana looks up just as dave karofsky walks by, and she puts on her best flirtatious smile, but he doesn’t even look at her as he jokes with one of the other jocks on the football team. santana scoffs in disbelief. “look at that! barely a glance!”

“i don’t get why, you look hot.” brittany says with a smile, and santana offers her a simple, sweet smile.

“aww, britt, always know just what to say.” she coos before she shuts her locker door with a sigh.

“do you really want a boyfriend that badly?” brittany asks with a frown. santana links their pinkies and looks at her before leaning in a little closer and dropping her voice.

“well, yeah! britt, we discussed this, remember? it’ll help keep _our_ thing a secret, and it’ll keep our social status high! it’s a good thing, right?” santana asks softly, and brittany frowns before she purses her lips and nods.

“right. i don’t know who i’m gonna date, i’ve slept with most of the guys on the football team, and none of them are that great.” she says with a shrug. santana finds herself grinning as she loops her arm fully into brittany’s now, feeling smug.

“it’s ‘cause my skills beat them all, huh?”

“pretty much.” brittany says with a smile.

a couple more days go by, and the lack of attention santana’s getting from pretty much every guy at this school is starting to get to her. she finds herself angrily slamming her locker door shut as she glares up at brittany in anger.

“crap! i need a younger, inferior man! if i don’t find one, coach sylvester will kick me off the cheerios for sure!” she whines. brittany simply looks at her.

“hello? finn! his birthday is like, three days before yours, and he’s super dumb.” she says firmly, looking herself over in the mirror on her locker door, adjusting her madonna styled hair with a frown.

“we already tried with finn and he hates us.” santana glowers.

“trust me. the way to get a man to follow you forever: take his virginity. madonna like, wrote a song about it.” brittany says offhandedly. santana blinks once before she glances over at finn and smirks.

brittany totally has a point. if she takes finn’s v card, he’ll follow her around like a puppy dog, and her status as head cheerio will be all but secured. who better to snag than the football quarterback?

she sidles up to his locker and watches as he looks at her in surprise.

“hey finnocence! you know i’ve been thinking, and i think we should go out, just you and me this time, no third wheel.” santana reassures. finn raises an eyebrow at her.

“will you talk to me this time?”

“i don’t really _talk_ during.” she says flirtatiously, and when finn looks at her with that stupid look of confusion on his face, santana rolls her eyes and slams his locker door shut. “ugh, look finn, it’s high time you lost the big v! everything about you _screams_ virgin! you’re about as sexy as a cabbage patch kid! it’s _exhausting_ to look at you!” santana drawls, watching as finn frowns before he exhales shakily.

“well, look i appreciate the offer, but i have feelings for someone else and i’m trying to work things out with them, so-.”

“who, rachel? she’s dating that jesse kid from vocal adrenaline.” santana says with a look of disgust, because seriously, the fact that fucking _rachel berry_ has a boyfriend and _she, santana lopez_ doesn’t…

“no she’s not.” finn says quickly. santana laughs derisively.

“please! you can smell it on her, she’s like a cat in heat! she talked about him yesterday and practically sprayed the choir room!” finn’s smile fades completely, and santana’s pretty sure she’s got him in the bag with that heartbreak as she saunters forward with a smirk. “so come on, let’s do the deed. it’ll be great for my image and sue will promote me to head cheerleader. it’s a win-win!”

“wait, what do i get out of it?” finn asks in confusion. santana rolls her eyes again.

“i don’t know, you get to have sex and make rachel jealous? i meant for me, it’s win-win for me.” she states before she walks off and leaves him to make the decision on his own.

a decision he barely takes a day to make.

“hey. uh, so…that offer of yours, to lose the big v? i’m in.”

finn rents them a hotel room, which santana guesses is nice because she’d rather be somewhere that’s not a teenage boy’s room (if puck’s is anything to go by, it’ll smell like a rotting corpse mixed with ball sweat), and it’s…

well, it’s terrible. for lack of a better term.

santana didn’t expect it to be good, it’s finn and he’s a virgin for fuck’s sake, but it’s more than that. it’s the first time she’s slept with someone else since she and brittany started their thing other than puck, who doesn’t really count as far as santana’s concerned because, duh. it just feels…wrong. santana can’t explain it at all, but everything feels so off, and finn is so nervous and stumbling and doesn’t know where to put his hands and at one point, makes a comment about how small her boobs are, which just makes santana so self conscious, she finds herself tuning out completely and just imagining that it’s brittany touching her instead as she blinks back tears and prays for it to be over quickly.

which it is.

it’s barely half an hour later that she’s finishing up in the bathroom and slipping her nightgown back on as she slides back under the covers, and they sit there in silence for almost five full minutes before santana finds her voice again.

“do you think they have room service in this place? ‘cause i want a burger.” she mutters quickly, leaning over to open the bedside drawer in search for a menu.

“i thought i’d feel different after.” finn says in a small voice, and santana winces and straightens back up.

“yeah, well, i’ve noticed it takes about twenty or so times before the feeling of accomplishment really kicks in.” she says in an attempt to reassure him, but when she looks back, finn’s eyes are still filled with pain and panic, and santana’s feeling of awkwardness grows with each passing second. “there’s no menu, so you’re gonna have to take me to a burger joint.”

finn is still silent, and santana feels kind of bad for the guy, because he clearly was expecting this to be magical and it just…wasn’t.

for either of them.

how do you feel?” santana asks softly. finn swallows thickly, but doesn’t even look at her.

“i don’t feel anything. ‘cause it didn’t mean anything.” he croaks out. santana pauses, silence falling over the both of them before she clears her throat and looks at him.

“most guys don’t care about that stuff-.” santana starts, but finn actually throws the covers off himself with a frustrated growl.

“well, i do! and i…i’m not trying to say you’re not a great girl, santana, you’re _awesome_ , but i just…i should’ve waited, i should’ve-.”

“finn, relax!” santana sighs, looking up at him and watching as he runs his fingers through his hair anxiously. “look, imagine if you’d felt this during your first time with someone you actually cared about, don’t you think it’d kind of ruin the whole experience for you? isn’t it better to just get it out of the way?” santana says firmly, and to her surprise, finn’s eyes widen before he gives her a small smile.

“hey, i…santana, i care about you.” he says softly, and santana chuckles and simply rolls her eyes.

“i meant…i meant like _that._ ” she murmurs, picking at her nail polish as finn mulls over her words.

“you lost it to brody parker, did you feel anything for him?” finn asks. santana scoffs.

“no. i barely spoke a word to him before it.” she says with a shrug. it’s not that she regrets losing it to him, it helped boost her popularity tenfold, so it wasn’t a complete loss-

“have you _ever_ had sex with feelings involved?” finn asks incredulously. santana glares up at him, and she’s about to snipe back that there’s no such thing, but then she remembers brittany, and her bright blue eyes and that gorgeous smile, and it’s coming out of her like word vomit before she can stop it.

“yes. yes i have.” she whispers. if finn’s surprised by her answer, he doesn’t show it. he just stares at her for a long time before he nods slowly.

“is it worth waiting?” he asks, staring at her with hope shining in his eyes…hope santana finds herself not wanting to rip away from him.

“do you want my honest answer?” she mumbles. finn nods furiously.

“yes. please.” santana takes a deep breath in and thinks about it, and figures out how to word it. how to word what it is she has with brittany…what she’s throwing away with everything that she’s doing trying to get a fucking boyfriend.

she doesn’t want a boyfriend.

she wants brittany.

“i’m glad i lost it to someone who didn’t mean anything. because it made the real thing that much better.” santana croaks out, blinking back tears and swallowing the lump that forms in her throat.

“really?” finn asks hoarsely. santana nods a couple times and sniffs to stop herself from crying.

“yeah.” santana’s voice cracks and she fucking hates it, because she can’t believe she’s having a fucking heart to heart with finn fucking hudson of all fucking people, but right now all she wants to do is cuddle up to her best friend and she can’t.

“okay.” finn whispers. santana clears her throat and blinks up at the ceiling, quickly wipes away the tear that leaks out of the corner of her eye and crosses her arms over her chest sulkily.

“…are you gonna take me to a burger joint or not?”

finn doesn’t end up telling rachel, and santana isn’t sure why but honestly she’s not even remotely invested in their drama, so she forgets it and makes a beeline for brittany at the back of the choir room on monday. brittany simply holds her pinkie out with a smile, and santana loops her own pinkie with hers and tries her best not to cry because it just feels good to be with her again.

when brittany corners her at their lockers and asks her how it went, santana finds herself struggling to speak and simply shrugs as an answer, but brittany sees right through her.

“is everything okay, san?”

and fuck, santana wants nothing more than to tell her that no, nothing’s okay because she slept with finn and was thinking about brittany the entire time, that no, nothing’s okay because she admitted out loud that sex with her was different than with puck and brody because there was feelings involved and santana doesn’t know what any of this means and she’s so confused but she doesn’t want to stop because being with brittany in every single way, whether it’s intimately or just walking down the hallways of this stupid school with their pinkies linked, makes her feel like she doesn’t need to worry about anything else in her life because she has _brittany,_ and that’s all she needs to feel complete.

but she can’t. because either outcome of that will be catastrophic.

because if brittany tells her that she doesn’t feel the same, that for her it’s just sex and she doesn’t feel a thing for santana beyond that, it’ll break her.

and it brittany tells her she does, if brittany tells her she feels the same way…it’ll change everything. and santana’s not sure she can handle that, either.

“yeah, britt-britt. everything’s fine.”

a couple weeks go by uneventfully, the glee club still trying to figure out their setlist for regionals and sue pushing the cheerios harder than she ever has before in their bid to win nationals, but there’s one silver lining out of all of this.

sue calls her into her office and simply smiles at her before she nods once.

“congratulations, santana. i’m officially promoting you to captain of the cheerios.”

santana thought she’d feel more excited about it all, but the cost was taking finn’s virginity and confronting her own stupid feelings and frankly, she’s not sure it was worth it.

but when she tells brittany and those blue eyes light up before she’s squealing and pulling santana close for a tight hug, she changes her mind. it’s totally worth it.

and when kurt’s singing some song in glee club that santana’s only half listening to one day, there’s one line in particular that sticks out to her that has her holding her pinkie up with a smile without looking at the girl beside her, and when brittany chuckles softly and links their pinkies, santana rests her head on brittany’s shoulder with that smile growing wider and wider as the line repeats in her head over and over again.

_“a house is not a home when there’s no one there to hold you tight and no one there you can kiss goodnight.”_

regionals with the glee club and nationals for the cheerios inch closer and closer, and along with the piles of homework and assessments they have to complete, santana feels like her stress levels are at an all time fucking high. so much so, that she and brittany barely even get their sweet lady kisses on anymore because they’re both so busy with everything. but they’re at least there to give each other back rubs and shoulder massages, so it isn’t all that bad.

until quinn and puck break up and santana realizes her safety net is back on the market.

she’s stuck between a rock and a hard place, because puck is always easy to fall back on and things with brittany have been slow, and she’s still trying to sort out all these stupid feelings she has because she doesn’t want to have them but they’re fucking _there,_ and maybe…just maybe…

maybe getting back together with puck will make her forget about all of it. it’s not like brittany will care, she’s still of the agreement that they’re allowed to have boyfriends and sleep with other people despite their thing, and santana had begrudgingly agreed to that (something that had her clenching her fist to honor when she heard some asshole on the hockey team bragging about sleeping with brittany the other day in the cafeteria), so starting back up with puck should be a good thing.

until he starts flirting with mercedes fucking jones. and in the same fucking week, brittany has a fling…with kurt fucking hummel. the gay boy who’s apparently had a change of heart.

santana has no fucking idea what the fuck is going on, but she feels like she’s entered an alternate fucking reality.

puck is hooking up with mercedes and brittany is hooking up with kurt, and santana is hooking up with… _nobody._

_oh hell no, oh HELL fucking no!_

santana figures she’s doing mercedes a favor when she passes puck in the hallway and smirks at him and can practically _feel_ his eyes on her ass, but then mercedes is dragging her into the choir room after witnessing it and demanding a sing off to ‘the boy is mine’ by brandy and monica and ha, santana can sing that fucking song in her _sleep,_ but after they’re done, they’re actually scraping and it almost comes to blows and santana walks away with a snide comment about how it won’t last because puck is puck and he sleeps around because he’s an asshole and doesn’t do feelings.

and as soon as that statement is out of her mouth, santana realizes why she always falls back on puck and why he always falls back on her.

they’re the same.

and that realization has her walking away because she doesn’t actually want to hit mercedes, because they’re fighting over puck and he’s just…not even fucking worth it.

mercedes must figure it out on her own, because she ends things with him, and kurt goes back to being his happy gay self and the world rights itself, but that realization affects santana so much, she finds herself unable to focus on anything else, and when puck approaches her the next week with a sly smirk and a nod, the disgust that runs through her is paramount.

“wanna come over after school?” he grins.

she wants to say no. God, she wants to say _no_ …

but she doesn’t.

because she doesn’t do feelings. and her feelings for brittany shouldn’t exist, and with puck, they don’t. for just a moment, she can get lost in what she’s doing with him instead of constantly having to live in fear of how she feels.

the month passes by in a blur, but when mr. schuester has the glee club channel lady gaga for a week for their lesson and has them all wearing strange outfits in honor of her, kurt decides to wear a dress and a wig and sure, he looks fabulous, but the football team sure doesn’t think so.

of course, finn and matt and mike and puck don’t participate in the bullying, but kurt tells them that dave karofsky and azimio adams shoved him into his locker and threw slushies at him before calling him a ‘faggot’, and all those feelings from before come rushing back and hit santana in the face like a brick.

because she knows that if she reveals her relationship with brittany to everyone, if she’s out and proud like kurt is, that would be her. that would be her getting a face full of slushie and being thrown into lockers and dumpsters.

and she doesn’t even know if she is gay, or bisexual, or whatever other fucking labels exist in a world she’s barely even thought about before, all she knows is that she feels something for brittany and brittany is a girl and…what does that even make her? why does there even have to _be_ labels? she doesn’t fucking need one, she just wants all of this to go away.

she’s five seconds away from a nervous breakdown and she feels like she can’t turn to anyone because her best friend is the source of the chaos in her brain and her other best friend isn’t even really her best friend anymore because she’s pregnant and has her own fucking shit to deal with.

how did everything get so fucked up so quickly?

everything’s happening so fast, and with the blink of an eye, regionals and nationals are on their doorstep with the glee club and the cheerios, and after a brief hiccup where sue disappears for a few days and every single one of the girls, santana and brittany included, fall apart because they have no idea what to do without the cheerios, without sue, without that nationals win, things go back to normal when sue picks herself back up and pushes them even harder than she ever has before.

sure, santana and brittany are sore all over, and they feel kinda guilty when sue forces them to bring their nationals win trophy to mr. schuester’s house to gloat, but winning nationals puts them back at the top of the social food chain, because when they walk through mckinley high’s hallways with that trophy in their hands, every single person looks at them in awe, and santana feels like she’s back at the beginning of sophomore year all over again before the fucking glee club came and ruined everything.

back when things were simple and she was dating puck and didn’t have feelings for her best friend, back when quinn wasn’t pregnant and was still her best friend and wasn’t at the bottom of the pit like a pariah…back when everything was okay and she was on top of the world.

but then the year she’s had comes rushing back, and when her eyes meet brittany’s, those feelings come rushing back, and santana finds herself running straight to puck’s house after school with a racing heart and sweat on her brow because the smile brittany gave her as they held that trophy high above their heads has been imprinted in her mind and she can’t get it out, is still thinking about it even when puck answers the door and she crashes into him with a heated kiss filled with the desperation to forget.

and when puck gropes her chest and chuckles and says “i swear they’re getting smaller” before he’s kissing down her neck, santana feels the humiliation burn her harder than the tears that well in her eyes as he pulls out a condom from his bedside table.

she knows she’s been losing weight, it’s hard to remember to fucking eat when you’re practicing for two fucking competitions with two separate clubs and trying to get good grades and deal with a million different other things, including sue’s ridiculous diets and shakes, but that comment burns into her stomach and builds up into her brain and has her questioning if maybe her popularity has something to do with…that.

and once that thought’s in her brain, she can’t get rid of it.

it’s the night before regionals that santana calls brittany over to her house, and with her mother believing they’ve gone to bed early to get a good night’s sleep, santana knows she can’t make much noise, but she needn’t worry, because she’s so in her mind about everything that not even brittany’s tongue against her skin feels as amazing as it usually does, and brittany notices, because when santana simply sighs against her, she pulls back and looks up at her with a frown of concern.

“everything okay, san?” she whispers hoarsely. santana simply nods, and brittany doesn’t look convinced, but doesn’t question it, either.

that is until she’s reaching for the front clasp of santana’s bra and the panic that wells up inside her has her gripping brittany’s wrists to stop her before she can even get close.

“no, don’t! just…just leave it on, please?” santana pleads, smiling sadly as brittany’s frown of confusion only deepens at her words.

“why? you love when i play with them, and i love playing with them.” brittany says blankly. santana licks her lips and nods.

“i know, just…i don’t know, i don’t really like them right now, britt.” she whispers, and fuck, the tears are coming, she can feel them, please not _now-_

“why not? i think they’re beautiful, santana…i think every part of you is beautiful.” brittany says softly, tucking a lock of hair behind santana’s ear affectionately with the most amazing smile lifting up her cheeks, and santana feels her own burn with shyness as the tears form fully now.

God, why does brittany have to be so… _brittany?_

“that’s really sweet, britt.” santana croaks out, unable to stop herself from running the tip of her index finger down brittany’s nose with a smile, and the girl scrunches up her nose at how it tickles before she presses a kiss right to santana’s collarbone.

“i’m just telling the truth.” she murmurs against her skin. santana sighs happily, and she runs her fingers through brittany’s hair for a moment before she bites down on her lower lip and just says it.

“puck said they’re getting smaller.” she mumbles, avoiding eye contact. brittany huffs and simply kisses the corner of her mouth before forcing her to look into those crystal blue depths of hers.

“well…puck’s an idiot.” she says firmly. santana chuckles breathlessly.

“i know, but…i don’t know. can we just keep it on?” she pleads once more. brittany, ever understanding brittany, smiles and moves her hands away from the clasp of her bra to instead brush her hair back from her forehead with a nod.

“okay. whatever you want, honey.” the affectionate nickname has santana practically _melting_ into her bed with giddiness, and when brittany kisses her, santana arches up into her touch, but the warm wind from her open window hits her skin and causes her to shudder, and santana finds that self consciousness rising back up once more, to the point where she finds herself pushing brittany up and off her so she can place her arms across her body to cover herself.

“what if…what if i don’t want to have sex tonight? what if i just wanna…maybe cuddle?” she says in a small voice. brittany cocks an eyebrow, and regret immediately floods santana’s entire body like ice cold venom. “i m-mean, we do have regionals tomorrow and we shouldn’t be tiring ourselves out-.”

“we can cuddle.” brittany says with a smile. santana bites back a whimper of relief.

“yeah?” she croaks out. brittany laughs softly and leans down to kiss her bare shoulder just beside her bra strap.

“of course, san. i told you, whatever you want.” brittany grunts as she plops down beside santana and simply curls an arm around her waist to pull her back flush against her chest. she rests her chin on santana’s shoulder, and santana finds herself basking in the pure warmth radiating from the girl beside her.

“what do _you_ want?” santana asks after a few beats of silence, her fingers skating up and down brittany’s arm around her waist, and santana feels brittany use her other arm not around santana to prop her head up onto her hand so she can stare down at her knowingly.

“to make my best friend feel better, because i can tell she’s not feeling so great right now.” brittany whispers.

…she’s making this harder and harder and santana would find it fucking infuriating if she didn’t love every single second of it instead.

“you’re the bestest best friend in the whole wide world, brittany pierce.” santana whispers. brittany laughs softly and ducks down to press a kiss to her cheek.

“and you’re the bestest bestest best friend in the whole wide world, santana lopez.”

they just finish their regionals performance, feeling like they’re heading straight for a victory when quinn goes into labor.

to say the whole thing is shocking is an understatement, and they’re all piling into different cars and santana ends up in kurt’s car with quinn, her mother, mercedes and brittany with quinn screaming in pain in the backseat while santana tries her best not to freak out as kurt drives them as fast as he can to the nearest hospital.

quinn ends up taking puck and mercedes into the room with her, and santana feels like part of her should be upset that quinn isn’t taking her and brittany but she feels like she doesn’t have a right to be upset because she hasn’t really been there for quinn at all in the last few months since she found out she was pregnant, and that just makes her feel guilty.

it’s only after quinn has given birth and mercedes comes out to tell them it’s a girl and that she’s asking for them that santana and brittany link pinkies and make their way over to quinn feeling a mixture of gratitude and guilt.

quinn has her daughter bundled up against her chest, and she’s all sweaty and flushed and looks exhausted, but when she sees them, she smiles, and when santana and brittany make their way over to her with their pinkies still linked, quinn looks down at their conjoined hands and smiles wider, but doesn’t say a word except:

“isn’t she beautiful?”

santana looks down at the little baby wrapped up in blankets and simply smiles, and brittany coos softly and reaches out to brush a thumb over the top of the baby girl’s head, and quinn laughs tiredly and looks up at them both before tears spring to her eyes.

“do you ever wish we could just go back to summer camp when things were simple?”

santana bursts into tears at that statement, and quinn is crying with her, and of course, seeing her two best friends cry makes brittany cry, and the three of them huddle close and simply share the same pain of wishing they could go back.

but they can’t.

they lose regionals. and for some weird reason, the loss stings so deep, that losing that piled on top of everything else going on in her life right now, santana feels like she has to have control over fucking _something,_ because she’s just lost regionals and potentially the entire glee club, she has all these feelings for brittany and can’t fucking have her because that school is a nightmare and they’ll toss her and brittany into dumpsters and lockers and probably beat them up and hurt them just for being who they are and puck is an asshole and quinn is a mother now and…and…

she’s calling her father all the way in washington with tears falling down her cheeks and a demand that’s leaving her lips before she can even really process it.

“daddy, i want a boob job!”

her father flies home from washington one week into summer after that phone call, sits her down and talks with her for over two hours about why the hell she would want to do this, and when santana cries in his arms for the first time in her entire life and tells him she’s miserable and scared and everyone’s teasing her and she just wants to feel _good_ about herself for fucking _once_ , he’s sitting her mother down and telling her that he’s happy to pay for it.

her mother screams at her, tells her she’s ruining her body and then she’s yelling at her father that santana’s too young for this, but then her abuela is saying it’s santana’s body and she should feel comfortable in her skin, and santana is surprised until she realizes her abuela wants her to do this because it’s something feminine.

wanting bigger boobs is something a girl should want. wanting bigger boobs is something a pretty girl who wears dresses and likes makeup would want. you would think being head cheerleader would be enough for alma lopez but apparently, it's not. she still sees santana as nothing but that tomboy who used to climb trees and wrestle her cousins. she'll never be feminine enough for her.

and then her mind starts spiraling when she thinks about what her abuela will think if she admits her feelings about brittany to her, and that sends her into a panic attack that has her father, her mother and her abuela putting aside their differences to brush her hair back and kiss her forehead and calm her down.

it’s overwhelming, being so looked after by all of them, but they do look after her and it feels nice.

when she tells brittany she’s spending six weeks in washington with her father, brittany pouts and kisses her and tells her she’ll miss her a lot, and santana kisses her back and blinks back tears as she hugs brittany close and tells her she’ll miss her, too. she doesn’t tell anyone what she’s planning on doing in washington, though. the idea of telling them, of telling anyone, terrifies her.

she doubts herself at least a hundred times on the flight to washington. she tells herself that she should just go back and cancel this whole thing. and her father doesn’t help, he’s constantly asking her if she’s sure she wants to do this and every single time he does, she hesitates before she shakes her head and tells him she’s sure but she isn’t.

but then she remembers finn telling her that her boobs are smaller than he thought they’d be, remembers puck groping her and telling her they’re _getting_ smaller, remembers how fucking _small_ in general she’s felt her entire sophomore year because she has no control over anything and if there’s one thing she has control over, it’s this.

“santana, mija, if you don’t want to do this-.”

“papi, please! i want this, stop asking!” her father sighs sadly, but nods once and simply holds her hand as he gazes out of the window of the plane, and for the first time in her life, santana feels like maybe there is someone with emotions underneath ‘ricardo lopez, heart surgeon’.

her father takes her to the best plastic surgeon that the state of washington has to offer, and a week later she’s being wheeled into a surgical room and they’re placing a mask over her face and asking her to count back from ten and it’s too late to back out.

she’s terrified. she’s scared. and all she wants is brittany here with her, but she’s not and she’s all alone.

when she wakes up, she’s groggy and her whole body feels numb but is aching at the same time, and her father is smiling at her and asking how she feels, and santana has no idea what to say. when she looks down at her chest, it’s wrapped up and there’s a tube sticking out and she freaks out, but the doctor explains what it’s for and then starts going on about what she needs to do for the next six weeks while she recovers.

santana tries her best to take in everything he’s saying but she’s tired, and her father laughs when her eyes cross in her exhaustion and promises her he’ll take in all the information for her.

her father is her rock during her recovery. he takes her home and helps her into her bed in the spare room he has in his apartment, and when santana asks him why he didn’t just get a one bedroom place, he tells her he didn’t want her to sleep on the couch if she visited. santana feels guilt flood her at that, because this is the first time she’s even staying with her father since he moved and it’s been years, but he brushes it off and kisses her forehead and tells her to rest. he helps her look after her bandages, something that has santana protesting from embarrassment before he rolls his eyes and gives her a wry smile.

“mija, i’m a heart surgeon, i’ve seen a lot of breasts in my life, and yes, it’s a little awkward because you’re my daughter, but i’m also a doctor and infections can be fatal if those bandages aren’t kept clean. now come on.”

overall, it’s not too painful. santana only takes the pain medication the doctor gives her a handful times during her six weeks of recovery, and most of it is taken in the first five days because those are the most painful, but santana’s been through sue sylvester’s cheerios camps, as far as she’s concerned, _nothing_ is more painful than that.

it’s the massaging that hurts more than anything. santana’s required to massage her implants three times a day for the first six weeks to stop them from hardening, and for the first week and a half it hurts like a motherfucker, but she breathes through it and blinks back her tears at the sight of her boobs all swollen and bruised. she starts to think she’s made a big mistake, but the doctor is happy when he sees her one week post op, and when the swelling and bruising begins to go down, santana finds herself staring down at her chest with pride.

she fucking _loves_ them. they feel full in her hands for once, and when she thinks about someone touching them, it doesn’t fill her with fear, but with excitement.

brittany’s gonna love them just as much as she does, she knows it.

the six weeks are boring as hell, but there is one silver lining. when her father isn’t working, they spend it on the couch watching tv, and by the end of it all, santana actually feels closer to him than she ever has before, which isn’t much, but it’s at least something.

quinn and brittany and even some of those dorks from the glee club message her while she’s in washington, asking her how she’s doing, and she keeps her answers short and simple with everyone except brittany.

she texts her every single day, and when brittany tells her she misses her, santana feels her heart soar and messages back that she can’t wait to get home. brittany begins to count down the days, and when it finally arrives, santana is almost vibrating with excitement as they board the flight to head back home.

when she gets home, her mother and her abuela are waiting for her, and her abuela looks down at her chest and nods, impressed, while her mother sighs and simply pulls her into a hug.

“are you happy, mi amor?” she mumbles. santana grins and hugs her tightly with a nod.

“very happy, mami.” her mother just grunts and kisses her head, and that’s that.

brittany comes over an hour after she arrives, and to her surprise, quinn is right behind her, looking very much her regular self minus a baby growing inside her now. they both hug her tightly, and santana’s thankful she’s fully healed, but it still hurts just a little when brittany squeezes, and quinn must notice her wince, because she frowns before the three of them are running upstairs to santana’s room.

“it’s a mess in here, santana.” quinn reprimands, looking around at the clothes strewn all over the place.

“i just got home, quinn, i haven’t had time to unpack! what, your mommy instincts kicking in?” santana snipes back, and quinn’s expression turns stony as santana feels guilt flood her quickly.

“…sorry.” she mumbles. quinn simply rolls her eyes, and brittany jumps onto santana’s bed with a grin.

“how was washington?” she asks. santana shrugs.

“boring.” she answers simply. quinn narrows her eyes, and when santana begins picking her clothes up off the floor, she stretches a little too far and hisses at the pain that hits her chest, and quinn’s eyes widen before she’s suddenly gripping santana’s wrist tightly.

“what did you do?” she hisses. santana yanks her hand out of quinn’s grip with bared teeth.

“what the fuck are you talking about?” she growls.

“you’re in pain! and you think i didn’t notice your boobs are bigger? santana, seriously?” quinn deadpans, crossing her arms over her chest with her eyes staring lasers at santana’s.

“you’re in no position to judge, miss nose job!” santana scoffs, raising an eyebrow at quinn and smirking when her cheeks turn red before she huffs.

“a nose isn’t something that changes, santana, but boobs grow! you’re barely even sixteen yet!” quinn exclaims, shaking her head in disbelief, and santana has half a mind to slap her right across her stupid face.

“oh, spare me the lecture, teen mom! my parents were fine with it and i wanted it!” santana says firmly, throwing the shirt in her hands onto the desk. it’s quiet for a few moments before:

“why would you even do something so _stupid?!_ ” quinn sighs. santana feels nothing but anger blaze through her.

“why do you care?! they’re _boobs,_ quinn, it’s not like i went and changed my whole goddamn face! back the fuck off!” santana threatens, and brittany finally sits up on her knees on the bed and looks between them with nothing but confusion.

“i don’t get it. what’s going on, why are we talking about santana’s boobs?” she asks with her head tilted to the side as she stares unashamedly at santana’s chest. santana feels her cheeks redden as quinn points at her accusingly.

“she got a boob job! you didn’t notice that they’re bigger, b?!” quinn exclaims. brittany frowns and looks between them both before she bites on her bottom lip with hesitation. santana cocks an eyebrow at her, and brittany suddenly stands and makes her way over to her slowly.

“britt, what-.” santana starts, confused, but she’s cut off when brittany suddenly reaches both hands up and just cups them over santana’s boobs gently. her eyes widen the second she applies the lightest amount of pressure.

“oh, they are-.”

“britt!” santana hisses, gripping her wrists and all but ripping them from her chest as she looks behind brittany in panic to see quinn staring at them with nothing but shock. brittany frowns at her.

“what? i’ve touched them before. i’ve touched them heaps of times before. they definitely feel different, but it’s not a bad different.” brittany says nonchalantly, like she’s not groping santana in front of their best friend, and she goes to actually touch them again, but santana inhales sharply and shakes her head, still gripping her wrists tightly.

“brittany, stop.” santana whispers, the panic beginning to build in her throat now as quinn continues to stare at them like she’s seeing them for the first fucking time.

_damage control, damage fucking control-_

“i, uh…i need to go shopping for new bras now that my melons are bigger, you guys wanna come with or what?” santana mutters, moving away from brittany to pick up more clothes off the floor, and brittany smiles and nods quickly.

“i could do a shopping trip!”

quinn is quiet the entire time, just follows after santana and brittany as they enter a store and immediately head to the lingerie section. she doesn’t even look at any clothes, and santana can feel her panic growing with every passing second that she doesn’t say anything. does she suspect something? she can’t, it’s not that big of a deal that brittany touched her boobs, right? they’re best friends, it’s not weird.

“you’re being quiet.” santana says stiffly towards quinn after a few moments, watching as her green eyes widen before she blinks a few times and smiles.

“i don’t really like doing this anymore.”

“what, shopping? you used to bring us here all the time.” brittany says with surprise. quinn chuckles and looks at her with the softest smile, santana can’t help but wonder if it’s just brittany’s effect on people.

“that was before i had a baby and lost my figure. now i’m just stretch marks and flab.” quinn scoffs, picking at a bunch of on sale underwear thrown into a box. brittany smiles and reaches out to rub her shoulder.

“you’re still pretty, quinn. besides, you lost your stomach when the baby came out, obviously.” brittany says nonchalantly. quinn actually laughs and punches brittany in the shoulder lightly, and santana feels a flash of jealousy rush through her when her fingers brush down brittany’s bicep affectionately before, right before santana’s eyes, she’s lacing her fingers with brittany’s and squeezing them between her own.

“no, i just spent five weeks doing a lot of exercise and barely eating.”

“i can still see some baby fat.” santana snaps, grabbing a few bras and checking the cup size. quinn glares at her, but brittany’s competely clueless as she grabs a cute hot pink bra and wiggles with excitement.

“i’m gonna go try this one!” she says before she’s skipping off towards the change rooms. it’s quiet as santana and quinn rifle through more bras, and santana can feel her palms beginning to sweat, because quinn is quiet and it’s never good when she’s quiet-

“do you really see baby fat?” quinn says insecurely, and santana smirks, ready to rip into every insecurity quinn has in her arsenal.

until she sees quinn’s shoulders up to her ears with tension and the panic shining in her eyes and finds herself sighing in defeat before she purses her lips.

“no. you actually look amazing, it makes me wanna kick your ass ‘cause no one should look that good after pushing a baby out of their juice box.” santana grumbles, smiling slightly when quinn laughs under her breath before she shakes her head.

“why would you say it then?” santana shrugs.

“because i’m a bitch.” she says with a grin, rifling through more bras and smiling at how these bras are a lot more sexier and revealing than those goddamn a cup bras she used to have to buy, they always looked like fucking tween bras and santana’s always hated bra shopping because of it-

“no, ‘cause you’re jealous.” quinn says suddenly. santana’s head snaps up to look at her in shock.

“what the hell are you talking about?” she scoffs. quinn licks her lips and cocks an eyebrow, amusement shining in her eyes.

“i held brittany’s hand and i could practically _feel_ the anger coming off you.” she smirks, throwing the underwear in her hands back into the box and crossing her arms over her chest. santana blinks rapidly before she scoffs and plays it off despite how fast her heart is pounding in her chest.

“seriously, did having a baby make your brain break or something? what the fuck are you on?” she snaps, grabbing a few more bras without even looking at the size so she can run to the change rooms and get as far away from quinn as possible.

“brittany said she’s touched you heaps of times before, what did she mean by that?” quinn says firmly, moving around the box in front of them to stand in front of her, effectively cornering santana from walking away towards the changing rooms on her left.

“i-we…we’re best friends, quinn! we change in front of each other all the time, so what if she’s seen the lady lumps before?!” santana exclaims, trying her best to laugh it off, but of course, quinn’s not buying it.

“santana, _i’ve_ seen your boobs before, i haven’t touched them, though. brittany said she did-.”

“so what?” santana says a little too loudly with a nervous laugh, shaking her head as quinn scratches at her brow with a deep and frustrated sigh.

“so, is there something going on between you two that i don’t know about?” quinn asks calmly, staring at santana like she’s trying to fucking dive into her psyche, and santana stares at her for a long time before she laughs loudly and shakes her head with a disbelieving smile on her face.

she should win a fucking oscar for this shit-

“like what? you think we’re scissor sisters now or something?!” santana says derisively, still laughing before quinn suddenly reaches out and grips her hand, squeezing it tightly.

“santana-.” she starts softly, but santana rips her hand out of quinn’s grip.

“shut the fuck up, quinn! you know, i get that you were pregnant, but you pretty much avoided me and brittany the entire time you were! you don’t get to come back into our lives, making those kinds of accusations like you know us when you don’t! so stay in your fucking lane!” santana hisses, pushing her back slightly in an effort to get to the change room, but quinn barely budges and just steps to the side to block her path again.

“i didn’t pull away from you, santana, i was kicked off the cheerios and i know you, you wouldn’t have wanted to put up with my baby drama! why are you getting so defensive?” quinn asks angrily, watching as santana glares right back at her, a classic quinn and santana stand off. 

“because you’re accusing us of something that we’re not even doing! stop being gross!” santana growls, finally managing to push past quinn so she can make her way towards the change room, but quinn’s right behind her.

“gross? why would you and brittany being together be ‘gross’, santana?” quinn says in surprise. santana feels her heart drop, and for some weird reason, the sound of quinn seemingly getting offended at her thinking a girl liking a girl is ‘gross’ makes her want to turn around and confess _everything,_ but instead she bites her tongue and just sighs.

“just…fucking drop it, okay?” santana pleads, spinning around and using her best death stare to get her to stop. quinn just stares at her for a long time before she sighs and nods.

“fine. i’ll drop it. but for the record, santana…if you hurt brittany, i’m taking her side. no matter what.” she says airily, and santana finds herself laughing despite herself.

“there’s nothing to hurt her over. you’re delusional.”

quinn ends up going home after their trip to the mall, and santana and brittany head back to santana’s place to say goodbye to her father before he heads back to washington. her father kisses her head and tells her to look after herself and even gives brittany a hug, and her mother and her abuela gather in the living room, no doubt to watch their telenovelas, leaving brittany and santana to run up the stairs to her room.

the door barely closes behind her before brittany’s grabbing her hand and pulling santana into her, and when brittany’s lips crash against hers, santana grunts from the impact before she sighs happily and melts into her touch.

“i missed you.” brittany murmurs against her lips. santana giggles and pushes her backwards until the back of her knees hit the bed and she falls down with a squeak. santana straddles her lap and pushes her hair to one side before she leans down to close her lips over brittany’s pulse point, sucking greedily at the skin she’s gone six weeks without tasting.

“mmm, i missed you, too. i missed your voice, i missed your face, i missed these amazing fucking lips of yours…” santana whispers hoarsely, making her way back up to those pink lips that close on her bottom one and kiss fervently. santana thinks she might’ve gone overboard with it, but brittany’s hands move under her skirt to scratch down her back, and santana feels the goose pimples rise on her skin before brittany pulls away and simply looks up at her for a few moments with a smile, drinking her in.

“can i ask you something?” brittany breathes. santana simply purses her lips and nods as she takes brittany’s hands into her own and interlaces their fingers.

“what?” brittany takes a deep breath in before she sighs heavily and looks up into santana’s eyes.

“why did you get a boob job?” she asks shyly. santana inhales sharply and simply shrugs as she peppers kisses across brittany’s cheek down to her jaw.

“because everyone kept saying my boobs were small.” she grumbles. brittany sighs and clutches her hips before she reaches a hand up to grip the back of her neck, pulling her away so she can look at her again.

“who, puck and finn? they’re idiots, san, your boobs were perfect the way they were before. don’t tell me you did this for them.” brittany says sadly, and santana’s so surprised by her words, she finds herself blinking in shock before she laughs in disbelief.

“ew, no, i did it for _myself_ , britt! and maybe…yeah, maybe a small part of me did it because i didn’t want puck to call them ‘small’ anymore and i wanted guys to notice me more.” santana says with a shrug. brittany chews on her bottom lip with hesitation.

“why?” she asks again. santana feels guilt rear its ugly head, and she ducks her own with another shrug.

“because you’re not the only person i’m sleeping with.” she mutters. she feels brittany shift uncomfortably beneath her before she lets out a long and loud sigh.

“right…” she grumbles. santana looks up at her to see her pouting, and she takes brittany’s face into her hands, brushing her thumbs over her cheekbones gently.

“britt, what? why the long face for?” santana asks softly. brittany grips her wrists and looks up at her before she kisses her palms.

“nothing. i just…i don’t want you to ever feel like you have to change for someone to get them to like you or something. you’re perfect just the way you are.” she says simply.

santana’s heart _aches._

she finds a lump forming in her throat before the tears spring to her eyes, and she tries to blink them away because what brittany just said makes her feel like she’s on top of the fucking world, even higher than being head cheerio or winning any nationals cheer competition has ever made her feel. brittany coos softly and brushes the stray tear away tenderly.

“sorry, i didn’t mean to make you cry, i just really missed you, santana.” brittany whispers. santana swallows down the lump and sighs before she shakes her head.

“i missed you, too. what, you don’t like my new assets?” she says in an attempt to be lighthearted, puffing her chest out with a grin as brittany smiles before she reaches both hands up and places her hands over her boobs, squeezing with the lightest pressure once again. it doesn’t hurt by any means, in fact, it feels fucking _good,_ and santana finds herself sighing shakily in content as her eyes flutter closed at the sensation.

“they’re bigger. so much bigger. they barely fit in my hands anymore.” brittany murmurs. santana grins and looks down at her with a raised eyebrow.

“that a bad thing?” she teases. brittany laughs.

“definitely not. they feel a lot more firm, too.” she says, squeezing again. santana chuckles and leans down to kiss the corner of her mouth.

“because they’re fake, britt.” she mumbles against her lips, pushing her back down to lie flat on the bed, content to spend the next hour just kissing her because she’s missed these damn lips so much-

“mmm…can i see them?” brittany asks when they pull away from breath. santana hesitates before she sits up on brittany’s lap and reaches for the hem of her shirt. she pulls it up and off her body before she reaches behind her for the clasp of her sports bra that she’s been forced to wear for the last three weeks, flinging it behind her and watching as brittany looks up at her in awe.

brittany sits up slowly, eyes raking over her chest and taking in every little feature. her hands move up once again, splayed across the middle of her back before they move around her body, fingertips brushing her ribs before-

brittany’s fingers falter when they touch the thin, bumpy scars beneath her breasts, and santana feels a rush of embarrassment flood her, cheeks turning red from it.

“th-those scars should fade in a few months, the doctor said-.” santana stutters, but brittany silences her by reaching up to tuck her hair behind her ear, and santana watches in surprise as brittany ducks her head down to kiss the scars that peek out on her skin from underneath her breasts on either side.

“they’re beautiful. _you’re_ beautiful, santana.” brittany whispers, looking up at her with a smile.

it’s then, in that moment, suddenly and all at once that she realizes she, santana diabla lopez, is in love with brittany susan pierce. that she’s in love with her best friend, and that she has been for the longest, longest time.


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry for how late this is, I just got a new full time job that's been eating up all my spare time, but I hope you enjoy this regardless.
> 
> oh, and merry Christmas. hope you're all staying safe. 
> 
> also...merry Christmas, naya. we miss you. <3

it’s a revelation that sits with her all fucking summer, resting deep in her heart and her stomach and keeping her awake at night as she tries to tell herself it can’t be true. she can’t be in love with brittany, she can’t be in love with her best friend. she can’t be in love with a _girl._

what will her parents think? what will her abuela think? what will the school think? will she be thrown into dumpsters, called a ‘faggot’ and beaten and shoved? and what about brittany? fuck, what will happen to her? will they hurt her like they’ve hurt kurt in the past?

she can’t let that happen to brittany. she’s too goddamn innocent, too goddamn _good_ to go through that, santana won’t allow it. and quinn told her that if she hurt brittany, it would be game over, and santana doesn’t blame her. brittany is so fucking pure, the idea of anyone hurting her is punishable by death in santana’s eyes. she can’t be the person who does that to her.

so when brittany asks her if she can come over for some sweet lady kisses, santana accepts, but doesn’t let it go further than sex. when brittany tries to be intimate, santana brushes her off and starts talking about puck in an attempt to derail her. brittany’s frowns only increase the longer it goes on for, but she doesn’t say anything, and santana doesn’t think anything of it. brittany only sees this as them hooking up, and santana should see it the same way. it’s the only way their friendship is gonna survive this.

santana’s sixteenth birthday comes around a week before they start their junior year, and santana, for the first time ever, spends it alone. she doesn’t invite brittany or quinn or any of the glee kids over, she just spends it with her mother and her abuela, who surprise her with a brand new car, a birthday gift also from her father. santana loves it and takes it for a spin with her mother in the passenger seat, and promises not to drive it until she aces her driver’s test next week, but she’s so giddy with it that she finds herself not wanting to spend her day with anyone but her mother and her abuela. everyone sends her a happy birthday message, and brittany asks if she can come over, but santana tells her she’s just having a quiet day with her family. her mother asks her why she doesn’t want to have a big party for her sweet sixteenth, tells her it’s unlike her to not want a big birthday celebration, and santana simply shrugs and tells her there isn’t a point because school is starting so soon.

the truth is, she’s scared to get drunk around brittany again. she’s scared for another party to happen, because the last one that did, everything changed. so she spends the day curled up on the couch with her mother watching her spanish tv shows and lets her mother at least bake her a cake. her abuela comes over, and it honestly feels good to just spend time with her two favorite people in the world other than brittany.

brittany, who ends up on her doorstep at eight in the evening when her mother opens the door after a knock on it sounds out to the living room.

“hi ms. lopez, is santana here? i wanted to say happy birthday.”

santana ends up going on a walk with her to the park, and when she sits down at one of the swings, brittany sits on the other one beside her and reaches into the pocket of her jacket to pull out a box.

“got you a present.” santana blinks once before she holds a hand out to take the box, and when santana opens it, a simple necklace with a heart pendant is inside it.

“i wanna make it tradition. getting you jewelry for your birthday.” brittany says with a grin. santana blinks back tears and looks up at her with a shaky smile.

“britt…all i got you for your birthday was a stuffed unicorn-.”

“which is what i wanted! i still sleep with him at night, lord tubbington gets really jealous.” brittany says with a pout. santana lets out a shaky laugh despite herself.

“thank you, it’s beautiful, britt-britt. can you put it on me?”

when school starts up again and santana officially enters her junior year driving her brand new car into the parking lot because of course she nailed that driving test first go, it’s with brittany’s best friends bracelet on her left wrist and brittany’s birthday necklace around her neck.

santana gets a lot of stares, some wanted, some unwanted, but it’s obvious everyone can tell her chest has gotten bigger, but she narrows it down to a growth spurt, and when puck sidles up to her with a smirk and grins down at the twins like he’s just been given the best birthday present of his life, santana grins and feels a wave of accomplishment flood her.

until he’s reaching a hand up to grope her right there in the hallway, and she’s slapping his hand away with a cry of anger.

“we’re at school, keep it in your pants, fuckerman!”

“oh come on, santana, those things are practically ripping your cheerios uniform, _begging_ to be touched! can’t blame me!” he exclaims, and before santana can slap him right across his face, he’s leaning in to whisper into her ear. “come over after school, i’d love to get to know them better.”

the sick feeling that settles in her stomach doesn’t go away all day, and it only gets worse when sue sylvester calls her into her office during the lunch break.

“a little bird told me that someone spent her summer vacation getting a brand new set of melons, even though you know i have a very strict no plastics policy in cheerios. care to comment?” sue deadpans, glaring at her like she’s just committed murder, and santana’s heart drops.

“i just-.”

“what would possess a person your age to get a boob job? you don’t even know what your body’s gonna look like! it’s an insult to nature, and completely distracting. i can’t take my eyes off them, i’m actually talking _to_ them right now!” sue exclaims, starting very pointedly right at her chest, and santana feels the need to cover herself up as her cheeks flush with embarrassment.

“i wanted people to notice me more! i don’t get what the big deal is!” she says offhandedly, and sue leans back in her chair and just narrows her eyes at the girl before her.

“well, the big deal is that a person who has to pump her nanies full of gravy to feel good about herself clearly doesn’t have the self esteem to be my head cheerleader. quinn will replace you.” she says it so simply, and santana feels like the breath has just been knocked right out of her.

no…no, this can’t be happening, it _can’t_ be, she worked her fucking ass off last year to get captaincy, and just like that, within five seconds, it’s ripped from her?!

“what?! but-.”

“oh and boobs mcgee? you’re demoted to the bottom of the pyramid, so when it collapses your exploding sandbags will protect the squad from injury.”

santana comes to two very firm conclusions very, very quickly.

one, she is not about to cry in front of sue sylvester no matter how bad she wants to at how far she’s fallen down the ladder in less than a five minute conversation, and two, the only way sue could’ve even found out about this in the first place is if brittany or quinn said something to her because they’re the only two who know about it.

brittany would never, so that only leaves one person.

_that fucking bitch._

the second santana sees that high ponytail on quinn’s head walking down the hallway with her cheerios skirt swaying, that smirk plastered over her fake face, santana’s shoving her into the lockers with nothing but straight up anger racing through her.

“you did this to me, you told coach sylvester about my summer surgery!” santana snarls, shoving quinn back as the girl glares back at her with a that smirk on her face intensifying.

“you have a surgery when you get your appendix out, you! got! a boob job!” quinn screams back, and santana, well…

something snaps.

“yep, sure did!” her hand is flying before she can stop it, and the sting that hits her palm as it makes contact with quinn’s cheek is barely felt as quinn stumbles back from the impact and looks up at her in utter shock.

“you can’t hit me!” she screeches, prompting santana to laugh as she shoves her once more.

“well sure i can, unless you got yourself knocked up again, slut!” she bellows, and quinn’s grabbing her and shoving her against the lockers as santana pivots and redirects the gravity of it to shove her instead. santana vaguely hears brittany asking them to ‘stop the violence’, but then quinn is grabbing a fistful of her hair and violently pulling on it and santana throws her down to the ground, ready to pummel into her with everything she has-

“hey, hey, hey, hey! what is this!? what happened to this being a family?!” mr. schuester yells, stepping between them and shoving santana back before he’s grabbing quinn to stop her from launching at santana.

“oh, please, she has a family, she’s a mother!” santana says sarcastically, stumbling back from another shove by mr. schuester before she feels a warm hand tugging on her own.

“santana, stop, please!” brittany hisses under her breath into her ear, and a wave of calm washes over her the second she feels brittany’s hand in her own.

santana’s shaking, her whole body trembling with anger as she scoffs and makes her way through the crowd away from quinn and mr. schuester and all off the bullshit, ignoring quinn as she attempts to get the last word in.

“walk away! and tighten up your pony before you get to class!” she screams, but santana feels brittany’s hand between her shoulder blades pushing her forward, and she’s heading to english when brittany suddenly pulls her into the girls’ bathroom before she can complain.

“britt-.”

“no! what the hell was that, santana?!” brittany snaps, spinning around and glaring at her, and santana’s so shocked that she’s somehow being viewed as the villain in this situation that she scoffs before she points to the door back where quinn is likely still in the hallway being held back by mr. schuester.

“brittany, she cost me fucking captaincy! she told coach about my boob job and now i’m at the bottom of the pyramid! everything i sacrificed last year, everything i worked so fucking hard for, gone! because she can’t keep her fat mouth shut and because she doesn’t care who she has to throw under the bus to get what she wants!” santana shouts, her whole body still trembling as she paces back and forth in an attempt to expel some of the energy.

“is being captain of the cheerios worth losing a friendship over?!” brittany sighs, stepping closer to her, but santana rounds on her the second those words leave her mouth in hot rage.

“i didn’t _do_ anything! quinn’s the one who-.”

“ _you_ attacked her! _you_ swung first! _you_ slapped her across the face! we’re supposed to be best friends, santana!” brittany exclaims, santana barely noticing the tears in her eyes as she laughs derisively and points back at the door once more.

“fuck that, she’s _not_ my friend! and you know what, brittany, if that sorry excuse for mtv’s teen mom is more important to you than i am, then why don’t you go join her?! and here: take these while you’re at it!” santana’s not even sure what she’s doing or saying, but the tears that build in her eyes spell it out for her as she reaches for the clasp of her bracelet, desperate to get it off her wrist at the betrayal flooding her right now, how can brittany do this to her-

brittany’s fingers grip hers to stop her from doing so almost immediately.

“don’t. don’t say that. ever.” brittany’s voice is quiet, and santana’s sobbing before she can stop herself as she looks up at brittany to see she’s crying, too.

“say what?!” she still growls out, sniffing as brittany’s eyes grow sad.

“that anyone is more important to me than you are. no one is and you know it, san.” she whispers. a thumb brushes away the tears on her cheek tenderly. santana doesn’t know how it happens, maybe it’s the anger and the adrenaline still pumping through her veins, but she’s launching herself at brittany with a sob, lips crashing against hers as she pushes her backwards until they’re in one of the bathroom stalls and santana’s kicking it closed and locking it before brittany can even catch her breath as santana’s fingers slip under her cheerios skirt and panties.

it’s after, with brittany slumped against the stall catching her breath with her arms wrapped around santana’s back as the raven haired girl nuzzles into her neck, that santana realizes in horror what she’s just done, that they’ve just had sex at fucking _school_ and pulls back to apologize, but brittany just pulls her closer and presses a kiss to her temple before:

“we should do that more often, that was hot.”

and then they’re laughing against each other, and any anger about quinn, about losing captaincy, about everything that’s happened just evaporates, lost in this euphoria of sharing a moment like _this_ with her best friend.

and it has santana thinking, has santana wondering if maybe she’s mistaking this whole ‘being in love with brittany’ thing with just loving her as a best friend. because the way brittany makes her smile despite how pissed off she is, that’s something a best friend would do, right? maybe she’s not in love with her, she just _loves_ her. and there’s nothing wrong with that, right?

santana and quinn avoid each other in glee club and at cheerios practice, but it doesn’t matter either way. mr. schuester and coach sylvester make their lives hell for the first few weeks, pushing them harder than ever before because sue wants that seventh consecutive nationals trophy and mr. schuester wants to get them to nationals with the show choir, too, and that on top of the school work that’s piling up as they prepare for the next two years, santana is fucking _exhausted_ every single day of every single week, but she pushes through it.

eventually, mr. schuester gives them another duet lesson, asking them to team up with someone else in the glee club, and in that same week, he announces that puck has been arrested for driving his mother’s car into a fucking atm machine.

he’s in juvie, and santana can’t help but feel the frustration build inside her. what the hell is she supposed to do when that dunce has gone and gotten himself arrested? what’s her alibi now for any hickeys that show up on her neck or body thanks to brittany’s insatiable need to mark her?

easy…santana will do the marking instead. win-win, right? she gets to make out with the girl she loves and no one asks questions, it’s perfect!

until, of course, they’re both lying in brittany’s bed at her house later on that night and santana’s greedily attacking her neck with kisses and bites that have her head spinning as brittany’s hands roam up and down her back in content when-

“we should do a duet together! we should sing melissa etheridge’s ‘come to my window’-.” brittany starts excitedly, and the second santana hears that name, panic floods her.

melissa etheridge.

lesbian.

brittany wants them to sing a song by a gay woman about gay women.

“first of all, there’s a lot of talking going on, and i wants to get my mack on!” santana says firmly, ducking back down to kiss across the bruise forming on brittany’s neck when the blonde squirms beneath her with a shaky sigh.

“well…i don’t know, i just-.”

“okay, second of all, i’m not making out with you because i’m in love with you and wanna sing about making lady babies!” santana cries out before she can stop herself, pushing herself up and away from brittany and pulling her hair back up into a ponytail quickly, unable to even look at the girl because the panic building inside her because melissa etheridge, gay, sings gay songs-

does brittany think she’s gay?

she’s not gay, she’s _not-_

_“_ i’m only here because puck’s been in the slammer for about twelve hours now and i’m like a lizard, i need something warm beneath me or i can’t digest my food.” santana says stiffly, still avoiding eye contact with brittany as she sighs from beside her once more.

“then who are you gonna sing a duet with?” she mutters.

the first person that pops into santana’s head is the first person she’s approaching the next day.

“why would i wanna do a duet with you? we can’t stand each other.” mercedes jones deadpans, glaring at santana as she comes to a stop in front of her with a sigh.

“look wheezy, i realize i’ve tried to punch you a couple times, and sometimes when you’re not looking, i put weird things in your food, but it’s a new year! and you and i are the best singers at this school!” santana says firmly, and after a very convincing argument about the prize of said duet being a dinner to breadstix, something santana completely refuses to miss out on, mercedes is nodding with a smirk on her face and santana knows she’s hit the jackpot.

by the end of the day, mercedes is approaching her with a grin and a nod.

“river deep, mountain high. learn it, and let’s go through some choreo for it tomorrow night at my place.”

“oh please, that song is practically in my veins, consider it already learned. i’ll be there by six.” santana smirks, and mercedes’s responding grin is spectacular.

oh, they’re so gonna win this.

when santana messages brittany to come over later on that night and brittany simply sends her a message saying she can’t, santana doesn’t think anything of it.

until the next day, she’s talking to mercedes about some choreography for their duet and she finds brittany wheeling artie abrams through the hallways at school and she hears artie say-

“so, i get to tell everybody that we’re dating?” he asks incredulously.

and then-

“yes. and i get a duet partner.” santana spins around to see brittany glaring at her as she passes her, and brittany comes to a stop and looks back at her before she points to her chest, shakes her finger, and then continues wheeling artie away.

santana watches her go in blank confusion, not quite understanding what exactly is going on, and when she tries to approach brittany later on in the day?

“sorry, artie and i have to practice for our duet.” brittany deadpans, simply glaring at her as santana scoffs and watches her go in disbelief.

why the hell is brittany avoiding her? is she pissed at her? did she do something wrong?

it distracts her for the rest of the day, and even when she’s at mercedes’s house learning the choreo, she finds herself messaging brittany every five minutes with her heart sinking lower and lower the longer her messages go unanswered.

**you [18:21]**

_i can’t believe ur doing a duet w/ lightning mcwheels._

**you [18:34]**

_seriously, u could’ve chosen anyone in glee club, even that new kid with the lips, but u chose artie?_

**you [18:42]**

_britt? y are u ignoring me? :(_

**you [18:59]**

_britt, come on, this isn’t funny, wat did i do?_

**you [19:10]**

_is this becuz i’m doing a duet w/ wheezy and not u?_

**you [19:24]**

_brittany, please talk to me._

“alright, spill.” mercedes demands suddenly, pulling santana’s attention away from her phone as she looks up at her in surprise.

“huh?”

“only one person would have you this distracted. what’s going on with you and brittany?” mercedes says firmly, crossing her arms over her chest while santana continues to stare at her blankly.

“what?”

“girl, don’t play dumb. brittany stops talking to you and is suddenly hanging out with artie of all damn people, and i saw the way she shook her finger at you in the hallway. it takes a lot to piss that girl off, what did you do?” mercedes quirks an eyebrow, and santana’s expression turns stony as she scoffs and waves her hand nonchalantly.

“i have no idea what you’re talking about.” mercedes sighs and collapses down onto the couch beside santana, who looks up to see her rolling her eyes.

“look. you and i, we don’t get along, and sure, most of the time, we’re insulting each other. but i respect you, santana. you got more talent in your pinky than some of the best singers in my church group and you don’t try to throw other people under the bus to have that recognized like rachel does.” mercedes states matter of factly. santana purses her lips and simply shrugs.

“well…that’s just ‘cause the opportunity hasn’t risen for me to do it yet! mr. schue is so far up rachel and finn’s asses, he can probably taste what they had for dinner five years ago.” she grumbles, smiling slightly when mercedes wrinkles her nose in disgust.

“that’s nasty and you know it, but…fair. either way, when i sing with you, i don’t feel like i need to give it my all, i _want_ to. and there’s a big difference between feeling like you’ve gotta give a hundred and ten percent because you wanna show a certain brunette celine dion wannabe up versus giving a hundred and ten percent because you’re feeding off your singing partner’s energy. we work well together!” mercedes exclaims, punching santana in the arm lightly and causing the brunette to grin as she chuckles and smirks at mercedes.

“even when we’re sing-fighting over a mohawk’d loser who will likely amount to nothing in life because he can’t tell the difference between ‘there, their and they’re’?” she teases. mercedes laughs and simply nods once.

“even then!” she says brightly. santana finds herself grinning for the first time in almost two days, and she punches mercedes back in the arm just the same.

“well…thanks, wheezy. you’re not so bad yourself for an asthmatic mouth breather who sounds like she’s been on oxygen for the last eighteen years.” she grins, and mercedes rolls her eyes again.

“oh shut it, bitchy dora the explorer.”

“ha! funny, you’re funny…” santana says sarcastically, and mercedes reaches towards the coffee table to grab a handful of popcorn that her mother made for them earlier before they began practicing. she eats a couple before she points to santana knowingly.

“my point is, if something is going on between you and brittany, you can trust me not to say anything, okay? we might not be best friends, but i don’t want you to feel like you can’t be yourself around me or anyone else in the glee club.” she says softly once she swallows the mouthful of popcorn, and again, that feeling of just wanting to blurt it all out overwhelms her, because fuck, she’s so tired of keeping this all in, but…

but…

“i appreciate the sentiment, but there’s nothing going on there. britt and i are fine, you’re delusional, ‘cedes.” santana mumbles, reaching for her own handful of popcorn as mercedes sighs beside her.

“okay, girl…if you say so. just don’t forget what i said.”

they nail their performance, and santana’s positive they’ve got the competition in the bag, and later on that day, they’re sitting in glee club, waiting for mike and tina to do their duet, and the guy looks incredibly pale, so when santana tries to egg him on with a simple, “yeah, hurry up! i needs to get myself to breadstix!” brittany suddenly looks up at her from where she’s sitting next to artie and smiles wickedly.

“don’t count on it.” she chirps. santana raises an eyebrow at her, and brittany’s smile falters as she suddenly ducks her head with a sigh. “i’m mad at you, but you’re still so hot.” she grumbles.

santana frowns in confusion and looks up at mercedes, and to her surprise, mercedes is smirking as she nods at brittany as if to say ‘there’s your proof, now fix it’.

but there’s nothing to fix. if brittany wants to be mad at her when she’s done nothing wrong except choose a different partner for a duet competition, then brittany can go ahead. santana’s not gonna stop her. she can handle brittany being mad at her, it’s fine.

it’s totally fine.

it’s totally fine until the next day, brittany’s coming up to her with a smile on her face as she stops beside her and just…waits.

santana finishes applying her lip gloss and stares at her expectantly, and when brittany still doesn’t say anything, she sighs in frustration and slams her locker shut.

“what? you’re not ignoring me now? what do you want?” she asks, annoyed. brittany chews on her bottom lip before she’s smiling once more, and she leans in and breaks santana’s heart clean in two with one simple sentence.

"i had sex with artie last night.”

santana freezes with her hand clutching the straps of her bag so tightly, her knuckles turn white.

“i…what?” she somehow manages to get out, eyes almost bugging out of their sockets as brittany purses her lips to hide another stupid smile.

“i had sex with artie last night-.”

“yeah, i heard you the first time!” santana snaps, already marching her way down the hallway and as far away from brittany as possible, because she can feel her throat closing up, which means tears are definitely on the way, fuck, fuck, fuck-

“it was different. like, from all the other guys.” brittany says from right beside her, keeping up with her easily, and santana laughs wickedly, the anger bubbling forth like a freight train.

“well, it wasn’t gonna be the same when the guy doesn’t have the use of his legs, brittany. could he even get it up?” she sneers, scoffing and lifting her nose in disgust as brittany comes to a stop and looks at her with a frown.

“don’t be mean, santana.” she whispers, and with that, santana rounds on her with a snarl.

“why would you even tell me that, brittany?! what makes you think i wanna hear about you having sex with another guy? especially artie of all fucking people!?” she hisses, stepping closer so they’re not heard by their fellow peers, and brittany’s next words feel like another slap right to her face as she crosses her arms over her chest and glares at santana angrily.

“what makes you think i wanna hear about you having sex with puck all the time?” she says stonily. santana, for once in her goddamn life, is completely speechless.

fuck…that’s what this is about.

“i…th-that’s different-.” santana splutters, but brittany interrupts her easily with a scoff.

“no. it really isn’t. never mind, i thought i could talk to you as my best friend, but i guess not. bye, santana.” she says icily, and before santana can call her back, brittany’s making her way to spanish class without santana by her side.

it’s later, when santana sees artie in his wheelchair making his way down the cafeteria line, that she does probably the worst thing she can think of in a last ditch attempt to keep her and brittany’s friendship intact.

“she’s using you for your voice. that’s the only reason she had sex with you.” she blurts out as she comes to a stop in front of artie and looks down at him with a smirk.

“wait, how do you know that?” artie asks with a frown. santana quirks an eyebrow and turns in the line to tap the shoulder of one of the football players.

“hi! excuse me, do you know brittany?” she asks sweetly. the guy frowns.

“cheerios brittany?” he asks.

“mhmm!”

“yeah, we had sex.” he says with a nod before turning back around like it’s the simplest thing in the world. santana’s smirk widens as she turns to face artie once more.

“mmm. look, i don’t mean to be a bitch…well, yeah actually, i do, but the only thing you can give brittany that she can’t get somewhere else, is super choice parking.” she says with a wicked smile, and before artie can say anything else, she’s walking away, ponytail bouncing with success despite what it took to get there.

artie’s never even done anything wrong by her…well, except sleep with her best friend and the girl she loves.

yeah, fuck him, he deserves it.

but brittany doesn’t.

and that becomes apparent when santana’s at her locker on friday and comes across a very upset brittany who is slumped against her own locker beside santana with tears shining in her eyes. the sight breaks santana’s heart even further, and all her anger and sadness over the entire goddamn situation is erased as she comes to a stop by her own locker and opens it with a sigh.

“artie broke up with me.” brittany whispers. santana chews on the inside of her cheek and nods.

“huh, well…guess he’s just like every other guy then.” she murmurs, fixing her lipgloss before she shuts her locker door and looks at brittany to see her blinking away tears.

“no…he broke up with me because he thought i was using him for sex and his voice for the duets competition.” she croaks out, and santana stares at her in confusion.

“well, weren’t you?” she asks. brittany purses her lips and finally looks up at santana with a shake of her head.

“no. i…i was using him to make you jealous.” she mumbles, her eyes falling down to the floor once more in sadness. santana’s heart skips a beat.

“what?” she breathes, but brittany shakes her head.

“but then i actually spent time with him, and he’s really sweet. i think i really screwed up here, san.” she sighs, rubbing at her forearm, but all santana can focus on is what she just said.

she was making her jealous? but…but-

“why…why did you wanna make me jealous, britt?” santana asks softly, stepping closer to her, and brittany simply shrugs and scuffs her foot on the ground.

“it doesn’t matter. i really like artie and i just ruined it. i feel so stupid…” her voice sounds so broken, and santana doesn’t even know how it happens, but she finds herself stepping forward and gripping brittany’s chin between her fingers to lift her gaze.

“hey, you’re not allowed to call my best friend stupid. no one is.” she says firmly, giving her an encouraging squeeze and a smile, and brittany just melts into her touch as she stares at santana with her own dopey smile before she sighs.

“i’m sorry i ignored you for the last week or so. i just…i really hate it when you talk about having sex with puck when we’re getting our sweet lady kisses on. i just wanna be with you in that moment, i don’t want to think about him and i don’t want you to think about him, either.” she says hoarsely.

santana finds herself nodding, anything to make brittany smile like that again.

“i’ll work on it. i promise.” she whispers. brittany’s responding grin makes santana’s heart ache, and all she wants to do is tuck brittany’s hair behind her ear and kiss her in the middle of this hallway like all those dumb romantic comedy movies, but instead, brittany holds out her pinkie and looks up at santana with hope shining in her eyes.

“are we okay?” she asks softly. santana links their pinkies without a second thought.

“of course. you’re my best friend, britt-britt.” she says with a smile, dragging brittany down the hallway and laughing when brittany whines and rests her head on santana’s shoulder with a content sigh.

“and you’re my best friend, san.” 

…she’s not _in love_ with brittany, she’s not, she just _loves_ her, and she’s allowed to love her best friend. she’s allowed, but she’s not allowed to be _in love_ with her and she’s not. she’s definitely fucking _not._

things between her and brittany are good. no, even better, they’re great now, their friendship more solid than ever, and santana finds it easy to ignore artie’s pouting as he looks at brittany longingly, because she’s the one brittany comes home to, and everything is working out so goddamn perfectly, she finds for the first time in a long time that the confusion of feelings she has doesn’t bother her.

until a couple weeks later, puck gets out of juvie and throws a spanner right between them once again.

when puck walks down the hallways of mckinley high and winks at her, santana finds herself flirting back almost subconsciously, waving at him with a smile that has brittany clutching her hand, and when santana squeezes her hand back, brittany looks up at her morosely.

  
“so, puck’s back.” she deadpans. santana raises an eyebrow and simply retrieves her books from her locker with a shrug.

“yeah, and?” she asks. brittany hesitates before she sighs loudly.

“and…are you gonna start seeing him again?” she asks in a low voice. santana shuts her locker with a roll of her eyes.

“sex isn’t dating, brittany.” she reminds her. brittany’s expression falls, and santana has no idea why when suddenly she perks up with a nod.

“right. maybe i’ll ask artie out then.” she says simply.

santana’s blood boils at that.

but then she finds herself remembering their fight from a few weeks back, and how she can’t expect brittany to not hook up with anyone else while she runs off to puck every once in a while in an effort to keep her feelings in check and her reputation from falling apart, and that it’s not fair for her to be mad about it when brittany hasn’t been mad at her about it.

besides, she’s _not_ in love with brittany. she loves her as a friend, yes, and as maybe a friend with benefits, but she’s not _in love_ with her and she has no claim on her.

so…

“maybe you should.” santana says quietly. brittany’s expression of shock says it all.

“really? is that what you want?” she asks. santana sighs and simply takes brittany’s hand in her own.

“britt, i don’t control you. if you wanna ask artie out, then go for it.” she says with an encouraging smile despite how much her fucking heart _aches_ at the idea of brittany with anyone else but her, but brittany was right the other week.

it’s not fair for her to still be hooking up with puck like it’s nothing and treat brittany like she’s selfish for wanting to hook up with other people, too.

it’ll be fine. she can do this.

and the opportunity presents itself when they’re in the choir room later on that week, sewing together some costumes for their mash up rock performance of ‘start me up/livin’ on a prayer’ later on in the week with the other glee ladies as part of this week’s lesson for glee club, and artie is being wheeled in by none other than puck himself.

“spies!” rachel yells, pulling their attention to the door to see them walking in.

“lighten up! we’re here to talk to santana and brittany.” puck says with a roll of his eyes. santana smirks and nods at him as he comes to a stop with artie in front of them.

“so, how does it feel to be a free man?” she flirts easily.

“all i can say is that i don’t want a long term relationship with either of you. especially brittany since i’m not in love with her.” artie says quickly, averting his gaze from the blonde, and before santana can tell him she’d rather pull her teeth out, brittany sits up straighter and smiles.

“do you guys wanna go out to dinner tonight?” she asks. santana bites on the inside her cheek and simply looks at puck, watching as he shakes his head.

“not really.” he deadpans. santana feels brittany deflate sadly beside her.

“oh.”

“tell you what. you two show up at breadstix tomorrow night around seven, and if we don’t find hotter chicks to date tonight, we might show up!” puck says with a shrug, gripping the handles of artie’s wheelchair and moving out of the room before either girl can say anything.

santana smiles and looks at brittany, sees her wiggling in her seat and watching artie go, and as much as it breaks her, seeing that smile makes her happy, and well…

she’ll do it. for her.

“so…date with artie tonight. you excited?” santana asks the next day, chuckling when brittany looks at her with a grin and a nod.

“yeah. i really like him, san. maybe we can fix what happened a couple weeks ago between us.” she says with a nod.

“yeah, maybe…” santana murmurs, not voicing how she hopes that’s the exact opposite of what happens when brittany pokes her in the arm.

“you excited to go on a date with puck?” she asks. santana smiles as best as she can and nods.

“yeah…totally.” she lies through her goddamn teeth.

the date is terrible. puck just talks about his time in juvie the entire night and by the end of it, when he decides to leave without even paying, santana finds herself staring at him and wondering what the hell she ever saw in him in the first place.

it’s then that it hits her that it’s not him she’s attracted to at all.

it’s his reputation. it’s his standing on the hierarchy at that goddamn school, his stance as resident badass that no one can fuck with lest they get their heads smashed into the wall. looking at him objectively, there’s nothing about puck that’s attractive. santana doesn’t even like him for christ’s sake, he’s narcissistic and thinks the world of himself when truthfully, he’s dumber than jim carrey in that goddamn movie from the nineties.

but what he offers by being on her arm is a position where she can’t be fucked with, too. a position where she doesn’t get a slushie thrown in her face by the other football players like the rest of the glee club kids are. what he offers is a golden position where she’s queen bee, and anybody that fucks with her will get torn down.

what he offers is something she can’t give up. power over the entire goddamn school.

what santana doesn’t realize is that she’s beginning to see more and more every day that having power isn’t exactly everything it’s cracked up to be when you’re miserable about eight five percent of the time that you have it.

her and puck continue casually hooking up, and santana finds she’s fine with their current status of having sex but not dating until she walks into the choir room to see rachel fucking berry talking to quinn, tina and brittany in what’s clearly a meeting.

“why didn’t you tell me that we were having a glee girls meeting?” santana demands, coming to a stop in front of rachel as the girl sighs and looks at her.

“this is a meeting for glee girls with boyfriends, we’re gonna make them stop karofsky from bullying kurt.” she says simply. santana scoffs. she’s heard that kurt’s been having problems with dave karofsky, but what does she expect the boys to be able to do about it?

it’s not like she cares, but what she doesn’t appreciate is being left out of a goddamn meeting!

“okay, i’m dating puckerman.” she snipes.

“you’re getting naked with puckerman.” quinn deadpans, not even looking at her, and santana glares at her as tina pipes up.

“besides, puck can’t mess with karofsky, he’s on probation, if he gets in a fight with him, he’ll be sent back to juvie.” she states. brittany is actively not looking at her, either, and rachel nods in agreement with tina.

“mhmm, yeah, so now if you’ll excuse us.” she says smugly. santana glares daggers at her and tries her best not to get teary-eyed.

she’s being left out of her own goddamn glee club, the one place left where she feels like she doesn’t have to worry about her reputation or anything else going wrong in her life. the one thing that feels _right._

“ugh, you’re so on my list, dwarf.” she snaps, walking out of the choir room and bumping into mercedes right outside the hallway.

“so, rachel kicked you out too, huh?” mercedes grumbles. santana crosses her arms over her chest angrily.

“when the hell did she get so high and mighty? that hobbit’s dating finn and now she thinks she can hold secret meetings?!” she growls, looping her arm in mercedes’s as they walk down the hallway.

“girl, who knows.”

“and why the hell is brittany in there?!” santana exclaims, glaring back at the choir room when mercedes suddenly stiffens beside her.

“uh, ‘cause her and artie are dating.” she says matter-of-factly. santana comes to an abrupt halt.

“what?” she asks blankly. mercedes winces and looks at her guiltily.

“yeah. thought you knew that.” she murmurs. santana ignores the tiny little fissures that form in her heart and simply tightens her grip on mercedes as she continues her journey down the hallway with her.

“…how the hell are we the two single girls in glee club when our voices are better than all those bitches combined?!” she cries out, blinking back tears, and mercedes sighs and pats her back affectionately.

“beats the hell out of me.”

“whatever. men suck, anyway.” santana grumbles, even managing a smile when mercedes holds a hand up to her with a bark of laughter.

“amen!”

santana bites the bullet later on that night and sends a text brittany’s way, her head spinning and her body trying to fight off uncontrollable sobs, because this can’t possibly be happening.

brittany genuinely likes artie, and if they’re dating…

**you [19:52]**

_why didnt u tell me ur dating artie now?_

santana chews on her nails as she stares at her phone, waiting for a reply.

**britt-britt [19:55]**

_u said we’re allowed 2 date other ppl…_

**you [19:56]**

_i know, but a heads up wouldve been nice, britt._

she’s left waiting almost fifteen minutes before the next reply comes.

**britt-britt [20:12]**

_ok. im dating artie._

santana doesn’t text her back. she just cries into her pillow for most of the night and covers up her sore, red, puffy eyes with concealer the next morning.

the bullying from karofsky to kurt gets worse, the guy practically threatening kurt’s life just because he’s gay, and santana can feel the walls beginning to close in on her.

she needs to do something, and she needs to do something, fast. she won’t become kurt, she won’t be the girl bullied for who she is.

but she’s not gay, so she’s safe…right?

kurt’s dad and finn’s mother, who have apparently been dating for awhile, announce that they’re getting married and they want the glee club kids to be their bridesmaids and groomsmen, and santana finds herself agreeing to it because she loves the idea of getting dressed up and spending the night dancing, and her mother is all excited for it, too. apparently she’s invited because finn’s mother knows her from some book club meeting, honestly, santana has no idea, but as they prepare for it, she sees brittany and artie sharing a kiss and she finds herself asking puck if she can come over to his place after school almost immediately afterwards.

he’s still on the bed catching his breath as he comes down from his high while santana zips up her cheerios skirt feeling thoroughly unsatisfied, but she turns to him on the bed with a smirk and a nod as she puts her hair back up into a ponytail.

“so…we dating or what, puckerman?” she demands. puck quirks an eyebrow at her.

“uh, i thought you said we were having fun?” he says nonchalantly. santana rolls her eyes with a scoff.

“that was so last year! besides, ever since you got out of juvie you’ve been looking smoking hot, noah.” she flirts easily, crawling back onto the bed and resting her hand on his chest, nails digging in slightly, but puck’s eyes widen before he chuckles nervously and grips her wrist to stop her.

“yeah, right, uh…i’m down for getting it on with you, santana, especially since your lady lumps increased in size, but you can’t tie down pucker-saurus! if juvie taught me anything, it’s to have fun while you’ve got your freedom!” he says proudly, puffing his chest out while santana feels her own deflate in defeat.

great. fucking perfect. she’s lost puck, brittany’s dating fucking wheels mcgee, and santana is, once again, single.

this _cannot_ be happening.

and it only gets worse.

“santana…i don’t think we should do this anymore.” brittany manages to gasp out a couple days later through the pleasure of santana’s lips sucking at the skin behind her ear. santana pulls up and looks down at her in shock from where they’re lying on her bed.

“do what?” she asks blankly. brittany bites down on her bottom lip.

“this. the sweet lady kisses and…and the sex. i’m dating artie now, and i really like him.” she whispers. santana swallows thickly, panic beginning to build quickly within her.

no…no, she can’t lose this, too, she can’t lose brittany-

“so?! this isn’t cheating, remember, britt!?” santana says with a scoff, leaning down to kiss her once more, but brittany’s pushing her back with a shake of her head and a look of sadness in her own eyes.

“i know, but i want to give him all my attention, you know? and i can’t do that when you’re like… _you._ ” brittany breathes, eyes roaming over her face as if she’s drinking her in one last time.

“what the hell does that mean?” santana snaps, pushing herself up and off brittany in anger as the blonde sighs and reaches out to grip santana’s hand in her own.

“it means can we just put this on hold for now and just be best friends that don’t kiss and have sex sometimes? i really wanna make this work with artie and i don’t think i can do that when we keep hooking up every night. i need to spend time with him, he’s my boyfriend.” brittany says it so casually, and yet the words cause daggers to rip right through santana’s heart as she blinks back tears and tries to come up with something to keep this from disappearing right before her eyes.

“s-so, we can make it every other night, or-.”

“santana…” brittany interrupts softly, squeezing her hand, and santana rips it out from under her with a snarl.

“fine! fine, whatever, who cares? if that’s what you want, then fine!” she’s grabbing her cheerios jacket and running out before brittany can call her back.

it shouldn’t hurt as much as it does, but…it does. it hurts worse than any pain she’s ever felt in her life.

but it doesn’t matter, because she’s not gay and she’s not in love with brittany…right?

santana feels like she’s in a daze as the days go by, her mind torn between what she feels and what she needs, and she finds herself sitting at the back of the choir room every day, looking at brittany, wanting more than anything to tear her out of artie’s arms and pull her into her own, but she can’t.

she needs a distraction. and she knows just how to get it.

the boys end up fighting karofsky over the situation with kurt with new boy sam emerging the most heroic, and santana notices how finn shrinks in his seat like a coward when it’s brought up that he did nothing to help, so when burt and carol’s wedding day finally arrives, santana launches a plan.

a world where rachel berry has a boyfriend and santana lopez doesn’t is a world that just shouldn’t exist.

besides, she’s done it with finn before, he wasn’t half bad. she can totally pretend, it’s not a big deal.

she finds herself walking into the groomsmen’s room to find the man himself attempting to put on his tie, and she smiles as she walks up to see him blushing with embarrassment at the sight of her.

“huh, never learned how to tie a tie!” he says with a chuckle. santana laughs and lays a hand on his shoulder, taking the tie from his hands with the other.

“sit down, frankenteen.” finn settles into his seat and smiles up at her as santana wraps the tie around his neck, calling back to all the meetings her father would take her to that had her adjusting and fixing his tie when she was younger. she looks at finn and notices the slight frown on his brow, and she goes straight in for the kill. “i’m guessing you know that you’re losing it. i mean, sam is clearly the new glee favorite, he’s going to become starting quarterback-.”

“what’s your point?” finn interrupts hastily.

“my point is that you need a coolness injection. if you were honest and told people that we did it last year, you would go from uncool to chilly willy in a heartbeat!” santana tells him firmly, and finn scoffs.

“maybe, but i can’t do that!” he says stiffly.

“why not?” santana quirks an eyebrow as finn fidgets nervously.

“because rachel didn’t lose hers to jesse st. james last year! she lied, she’s still a virgin and she thinks i am, too! she wants us to save our virginity for each other, and if she found out, she’d break up with me!” he exclaims, and santana finds herself scoffing.

“and this would be bad because…?” she asks in confusion, because as far as she’s concerned, the mere idea of dating rachel berry makes her want to vomit, and finn glares at her.

“because i’m in love with her and i don’t want to hurt her feelings-.”

“okay, don’t you see that that midget is like an anchor dragging you down to the depths of loserville?!” santana snaps, finishing off his tie as finn’s expression turns to pure rage.

“okay stop it, santana! that’s my girlfriend! i think you should leave!” he demands, and santana rolls her eyes and stands.

and again…the selfish, bitchy side of her comes out to play.

“alright…well, maybe i’ll tell her. i mean if you two broke up we’d be free to see each other, right?” she smirks at the way finn’s eyes widen with fear, but before she can say anything else, she hears the sound of heels echoing out behind her.

  
“hey…what are you guys doing?” rachel asks softly. santana simply looks back at her over her shoulder with a two second glance.

“nothing. i was just leaving.” she murmurs before walking away, feeling slightly defeated, but overall happy that she at least made finn squirm.

it’s later on, after the ceremony and during the reception, when brittany walks up to her at the refreshments table and leans in to whisper that she misses her best friend, that santana finds herself looking back at the girl with tears in her eyes and a simple nod, because she misses brittany too, so fucking much, and she just…

she grips brittany’s pinkie in her own and squeezes it, but leaves without a word, and brittany must understand that it means they’re okay, because she’s bouncing off happily to sit by artie once more while santana’s eyes drift over to finn and rachel, who are slow dancing together.

she can do this. she can break them up and get finn as her boyfriend.

she can…because she likes finn. and because she wants a boyfriend and because she’s not gay…right?

she’s not gay…she doesn’t have feelings for brittany, she’s not _in love_ with brittany…

then why does watching her sit on artie’s lap and dance with him make her hurt so damn much?

“this wedding blows.” puck eventually mutters to her, and at the feeling of his hand on her shoulder, she’s looking at him with a sad smile before she’s succumbing to what she knows is inevitable.

they’re always inevitable.

“let’s get out of here.” she croaks out through unshed tears, grabbing his hand and pulling him up quickly.

“whoa, and go where?”

“your place.”

when kurt announces to the glee club the next monday that he’s transferring to a different school because the crap with karofsky has gone too far, everyone is shocked. santana’s not particularly close with him, but the loss still hits deep. kurt’s voice is an asset to the team, and frankly, santana enjoys his company.

but it’s the realization that kurt has had to actually _move_ schools because of how bad the bullying has gotten over his sexuality here that makes her cry in her room for hours on end when she gets home that night.

she can’t be gay. she can’t transfer schools, she can’t endure the bullying, the death threats, she can’t be as strong as kurt was.

_she can’t be gay._

she knows what she needs to do. she needs to get finn. no matter what. she’ll kick rachel’s ass if she has to, she needs him on her arm and she needs him _now._

some deep set part of her knows this is wrong, that she shouldn’t be trying to ruin a relationship just to keep her reputation, that she shouldn’t want finn for that reason, but she can’t think straight about any of it. all she can think about is people whispering behind her back and looking at her differently if they were to find out the truth.

so, when sectionals arrives on their doorstep, santana begins to hatch her plan, and luckily enough and to their surprise, mr. schuester makes an announcement a week before it.

“two things: first, our competition at sectionals are your classic stool choirs. great voices, but they don’t move. now if we’re gonna beat them, we need to do what they can’t: dance. which is why i’ve decided to feature brittany and mike chang’s sweet moves in our performance.” mr. schuester says happily. brittany wiggles happily in her seat beside santana, who grips her hand with a wide grin and a cheer.

“brittany! oh my god!” santana whispers excitedly, and brittany squeezes her hand with a giggle before-

“wait, they’re gonna dance in front of me while i sing my solo?” rachel asks in confusion.

“you’re not getting a solo for this competition, rachel.” mr. schuester deadpans.

“finally! so what song do i get to sing?” mercedes pipes up with a grin, and mr. schuester smiles.

“i was thinking that the winners of our duets competition would take the leads!” he says, nodding to sam and quinn, who both look as shocked as everyone else feels when once again-

“ken and barbie?! are you trying to throw this?” rachel shrieks.

“you know, you used to be just sort of unlikeable, but now i pretty much feel like punching you every time you open your mouth!” quinn hisses, glaring at the girl a few chairs away from her, and before rachel can bite back, mr. schuester sighs loudly.

“okay, listen…i have talked the talk about everyone in here feeling special for over a year now, but frankly, i haven’t walked the walk. i mean, we have got a lot of talent here, and i’m gonna highlight it!” he says firmly.

“do something!” rachel growls at finn, who clears his throat and sits up in his chair.

“look, i’m all for pumping up the team, making everyone feel special, but that’s for practice. you don’t take the star quarterback out before the big game.” he says slowly, looking at mr. schuester incredulously.

“easy to say when you’re the star quarterback.” tina deadpans, and finn bows his head guiltily.

“this isn’t just about me, this is about the team.” he mutters.

and something in santana snaps at that. because brittany was so excited two seconds ago and now, rachel and finn are making it all about themselves.

again.

“you are such a hypocrite!” she scoffs.

“like you even know what that means!” rachel snaps back. santana glares at her.

“it means that your boyfriend is full of crap, hobbit!” she snarls.

“you know what? ever since the wedding you have been up my butt, and i am sick of it!” rachel shouts, jumping up from her chair and glaring at santana with the hatred of a thousand suns.

“come on rachel, she’s not worth it.” finn mumbles. santana smirks wickedly.

“oh really? ‘cause that’s not what you thought last year in that motel room!” she sneers. rachel’s eyes widen almost comically, and santana goes in for the kill, fuck it. the opportunity is right in front of her, and she’s not about to waste it. “that’s right, yentil! your sweetheart? he’s been lying to you, ‘cause he and i totally got it on last year!”

rachel pales almost immediately, and santana feels brittany stiffen beside her before mr. schuester’s voice cuts through all of them.

“okay enough already!”

the rest of glee club is awkward after that, rachel doesn’t say another word and finn looks like he’s just pooped his pants, and santana feels nothing but smug until brittany clutches her hand once glee club is over for the day.

“santana…i can’t do this, i can’t have a dance solo at sectionals.” she murmurs.

“what? britt, you’re one of the best dancers i’ve ever seen, and mike is amazing, too! he’ll be up there with you, it’ll be great, don’t worry!” santana reassures her with a soft smile. brittany chews on her bottom lip fearfully, but simply nods, and santana finds her eyes following finn and rachel as rachel storms off and finn hangs his head in shame.

oh, she’s in. she’s so in, she’s got this in the bag.

she continues playing mind games with rachel, so much so that she isn’t even all that excited when mr. schuester tells her he’s giving her the solo for sectionals, she’s so hellbent on destroying rachel and finn’s relationship, on getting her hands on the prize, and when mr. schuester announces it and she smirks and grins at brittany, who hugs her tightly, she finds her eyes moving over to rachel, who she winks at, feeling nothing but smug when the girl glares at her like she just murdered barbra streisand.

later on that day, when she sees finn in the hallways, santana blows him a kiss and grins at the way rachel cowers in the corner, and she can’t help but lean in to her to whisper before she rounds the corner:

“did i tell you he bought me dinner after?”

God, she’s a bitch, but it just feels so damn _good_ -

“santana, enough.”

it’s hearing quinn’s voice say those words that has santana laughing derisively as she cocks an eyebrow and spins around to see her frenemy standing before her with a look of disappointment shining in her eyes.

“shut it, tubbers, you don’t get a say in anything i do considering the knife is still in my back from where you stabbed me!” santana snarls, walking away from her, but quinn just catches up easily and sighs loudly beside her.

“look, i get that rachel is annoying, and God forbid there have been many times i’ve wanted to punch her right in her stupid face, but this is low even for you.” quinn murmurs. santana digs her nails into her palms to stop round two from happening right in these hallways.

“are you still talking to me?” she hisses, picking up her pace, but quinn suddenly reaches out and grips her bicep to stop her from getting far.

“santana…why finn?” quinn whispers. santana rips her arm out of quinn’s hold with a scoff.

“why not? someone needs to get him out of that relationship before we’re checking him into arkham asylum from her driving him crazy! i’m doing him a favor!” she says stiffly, continuing her way down the hallway, but quinn continues after her like an angry goose on a chase.

“no, you’re doing this for yourself! puck can’t be tied down, so you’re trying the next best thing, it’s pathetic!” quinn growls under her breath. santana laughs sarcastically, seriously, the audacity of this bitch-

“so is throwing your best friend under the bus to get back in a cheerios skirt your huge ass can’t even fit into anymore! now leave me the fuck alone!” santana’s voice is loud, so loud it carries down the hallway, and quinn very visibly stiffens before she lets out a shaky sigh, clearly containing her own anger, and that just has santana smirking because she totally has her right where she wants her.

“…i’m going to ignore that comment, and instead i’m going to tell you that i get it. you’re lonely because brittany’s dating artie and it hurts-.” quinn starts, and again…something in santana _snaps_.

it’s like the mere mention of brittany makes her lose control these days.

she’s pushing quinn into the nearest lockers with a hard slam with her forearm pinning quinn by the collarbones to the metal, teeth bared and hot tears building before she can stop them, ignoring the gasps and the stares of those around her.

“you don’t know what _the fuck_ you’re talking about. so shut up.” she says in a low voice filled with threat despite how shaky it is, and to her absolute surprise, instead of shoving her off and bitch slapping her, quinn blinks rapidly as if she’s stopping her own tears before she wraps a hand around santana’s wrist that’s holding her to the lockers gently.

“i’m sorry, okay? i’m sorry for telling coach sylvester about your boob job. i’m sorry i’ve been a horrible friend and i’m sorry i haven’t been there for you. but santana, you’re _hurting._ and if you won’t come to me because i betrayed you then please, talk to _someone._ as much as our relationship is twisted and complicated and always a competition between us, i still care about you.” quinn whispers so genuinely, santana finds herself letting her go purely out of shock.

but then she remembers that this is quinn fabray talking. bitchy, back stabbing, boyfriend stealing quinn fabray. and, well…

“…you’re so full of shit.” santana scoffs, stepping back with a shake of her head and watching with a satisfied smirk as quinn tightens her ponytail with a disgruntled huff and a shrug.

“maybe. maybe not. just talk to someone, santana. i hate seeing you like this.” quinn sighs, looking at her morosely, and santana rolls her eyes and flips her hair nonchalantly.

“i don’t need anyone. least of all _you._ so why don’t you go back to sucking face with fish lips and leave me the hell alone.”

she’s walking down the hallway before quinn can get another word in.

she throws herself into her solo, making sure that every pitch, every note for ‘valerie’ by amy winehouse is learned to _perfection_ , because she wants to show up every single one of those losers, because for once, instead of feeling like a fucking failure, she wants to _shine._

and shine she fucking _does._

they win sectionals with flying fucking colors thanks to her performance, and brittany and mike absolutely _kill_ their dance routine as she sings, and the chemistry between the three of them is so electric, santana feels like they could win a worldwide choir competition if they did exactly the same thing over and over again. everyone is cheering as she sings the final note, and the way it makes her feel so damn _alive_ has her thriving. her mother is crying and cheering for her in the crowd and so is her abuela and they both look so damn proud of her…

if this is how rachel feels every time, maybe she kinda gets now why the girl fights so damn hard for all the solos. this feels like she’s _flying._ like nothing and no one can ever touch her.

for a moment, she’s safe from her feelings. for a moment, she’s not a girl struggling with a million different problems. she’s just santana lopez, the girl who just crushed a performance of ‘valerie’ by amy winehouse and made it iconic once more.

she feels like a fucking _goddess._

but then christmas rolls around, and santana’s reminded of her mortality once more. reminded of all the things that make her human. reminded that once again, she wants something she can’t have, because she and brittany have been drifting and she’s been spending all her time with artie, and artie treats her like she’s a fucking child because she still believes in santa claus and magic and fuck, what about that makes her childish?

brittany believes in everything _good_ in the world, and artie just wants to focus on making her come crashing down into reality when all that will do is hurt her.

so, when brittany comes over to her place on the first day of christmas break and cries in her arms about how she feels so stupid for ever thinking santa is real, santana brushes her hair back and kisses her forehead and tells her:

“don’t call my best friend stupid. she’s not stupid. she’s special…she’s so special, it makes my heart ache. because she still believes in all the good in this world despite how miserable and cold it truly is.”

the look that shines in brittany’s eyes at her words is the only thing santana can even think about during the christmas break, the last thing she thinks about before she goes to bed every night and the first thing she’s remembering when she wakes up in the mornings.

but she’s definitely not in love with brittany, and she’s not fucking _gay_ , she just loves her best friend and doesn’t like seeing her upset.

santana throws herself into her cheerios routines and glee club practice when they come back from christmas break, and when sue is telling them that she’s bored of their routines and they’re not giving enough with regionals coming up, santana has no idea how to argue against it and just lets quinn do it because she’s so exhausted. she’s barely sleeping, barely eating because everything is eating her up inside and she’s forced to watch the girl she loves in the arms of another man every single fucking day and it’s absolute _torture._

even finding out that finn and rachel broke up over christmas break isn’t enough to get her gears running, because her brain is just a constant cycle of _cheerios, glee club, brittany, studying, cheerios, glee club, brittany, studying-_

brittany seems to be the only one who notices the dark circles under her eyes, because one day after practice she’s brushing her thumbs over them, and santana mumbles out that she’s fine as they make their way to glee club, but brittany continues fussing over her, clearly worried until-

“oh my god, artie!” tina exclaims, and in comes brittany’s boyfriend, covered head to toe in red slushie and shivering as he wheels over to them with wide eyes.

“it was awful!” he manages to get out through chattering teeth. brittany jumps up and immediately rushes over to him, and though part of santana feels smug to see artie covered in slushie, when she finds out it was the football team bar mike, puck, finn and sam, she finds herself sinking into her seat even when everyone screams with outrage at mr. schuester and coach beiste’s plan to have the football team sit in with the glee club for a week to try and tame the animosity between them all. part of her is mad that artie got slushied, sure, but she’s too tired to even fight it.

then sue’s talking about a cannon for regionals and is offering up brittany like a lamb to the slaughter, and santana watches as the woman shoves a fucking mannequin into the cannon and blasts it across the football field in an attempt to put brittany’s mind at ease that the thing is safe for someone to be shot out of, and the mannequin is destroyed and quinn’s looking at the both of them in shock before she’s pursing her lips and nodding.

“don’t worry, i’ll talk to mr. schue and take care of this.”

of course, quinn’s genius idea just pisses sue off and makes her push the regionals competition closer so they can’t perform at the halftime show for the championship football game with the glee club, and sue seems to have finally had enough, because she’s cornering them in the bathroom and giving them a simple statement.

“ladies, i am giving you the chance right now, to choose once and for all where your true loyalties lie. choose the cheerios, or choose the glee club!” she’s growling at them, practically foaming at the mouth, and santana makes her decision without any hesitation.

when quinn and brittany come over that night, the both of them torn between what to choose, santana rolls her eyes and waves her hand nonchalantly, because it seems like such an easy choice to make.

“the cheerios are what put us on top, and they’re the only thing stopping us from joining artie in getting slushied every morning! screw that, i’m not taking this skirt off for anything!”

“even though coach sylvester wants to put brittany’s life on the line by shooting her out of a cannon!?” quinn says in disbelief, and santana rolls her eyes.

“oh come on, you think she’ll _actually-_.”

“of course she will, santana! she’s insane! the cheerios and sue have driven us crazy, at least the glee club has given us friends!” quinn says firmly, and santana’s about to bite back that none of those losers are her friends, but well…she likes mercedes a lot, and tina’s kind of cool…

“we can’t, quinn. the cheerios are the only thing keeping us on top of the food chain, and i can’t lose that.” santana says with a tone of finality, and when brittany grips santana’s pinky with her own and looks to quinn morosely, the girl knows she’s outvoted.

they hand in their letters of resignation to mr. schuester the next morning.

it hurts a lot more than santana expects it to, being away from the glee club, and it only gets worse when she bumps into mercedes in the hallway and the girl comes up to her looking like santana just kicked her puppy.

“so you really quit, huh?” santana chews on her bottom lip before letting out a heavy sigh.

“look, ‘cedes, i’m sorry…but i can’t leave the cheerios, it’s the only thing keeping me high on the social food chain-.”

“and so what if you weren’t up there anymore, santana?! you’d be down where the rest of us losers are?” mercedes says angrily, raising an eyebrow at her as santana ducks her head with guilt, unable to even find a response. mercedes sighs and simply shakes her head. “i was starting to think maybe you’d changed…that maybe you weren’t that bitch i knew in freshman year anymore, that maybe you and i were actually becoming friends, but i guess i was wrong.” and with that, she walks off, leaving santana watching her go with a heavy heart and tears in her eyes.

great…the one person she thought would have her back through anything and she betrayed her.

she can hear the cheering from the crowd later on that week at night from the parking lot as the championship football game plays, and as she’s stretching with quinn, she sees brittany walk up to where the cannon is waiting to be taken off to the competition. she simply kicks quinn’s thigh lightly with her foot, and when the girl glares up at her, she nods towards brittany. quinn sighs, her expression softening, and they exchange a simple glance before they’re jumping up and making their way towards her.

“i’m gonna die.” brittany whispers as soon as they’re close enough. santana swallows thickly and looks up at the cannon.

“it’ll be worth it.” she says sarcastically in an attempt to be funny and to make brittany feel better, but brittany sighs shakily, and santana’s about to tell her that maybe the cheerios isn’t fucking worth it, because maybe sue is crazy enough to go through with this and actually isn’t fucking around and santana’s not gonna stand by and let this happen-

“hey!” all three of them spin around to find finn rushing towards them as he takes his helmet off, still in his football uniform.

  
“what are you doing here?”

“stopping you from going to sue’s regionals competition! you guys gotta come to the game with me!” finn says hoarsely.

“haven’t you been paying attention!? if we’re not cheerios, we’re nothing!” quinn says with a scoff, and finn sighs.

“you think that, but it’s not true! you joined cheerios to be popular, but you joined glee club because you loved it! sue doesn’t care about you guys, she’s fine killing brittany! tell me honestly, if you didn’t think it would hurt your reputation, which would you choose?” he asks quickly, and brittany says what they’re all thinking without hesitation.

“glee club.”

and to santana’s surprise, brittany’s reaching down and gripping her hand tightly and squeezing as santana looks up at her.

“she made me sign one of those contract things, san. i think she’s gonna make me do the cannon and i really don’t want to.” brittany croaks out in fear under her breath as finn turns to quinn now. santana’s eyes widen in shock.

“wait, you signed a contract? britt, why-.”

“santana, please…can we stay with the glee club? i don’t wanna leave without you.” brittany’s voice is so soft, filled with so much fear, but so much sadness, and just the pout on her lips has santana coming to a swift conclusion as they look into each other’s eyes, a silent conversation happening between them.

sue’s a fucking psycho, and she’s a bully, and she’s willing to put brittany’s life on the line for a fucking trophy. and she demoted santana just for getting a fucking boob job.

“what about you, santana?” finn suddenly says with a grin as he looks at her, and the words that come out of santana’s mouth have never been more true.

“screw her, she put me on the bottom of the pyramid.”

who cares if she gets slushied. who cares if everyone calls her a loser or a dork. with brittany’s hand in her own, she feels like she can conquer anything.

“no time for a foursome, ladies, bus leaves in five!” sue yells out just as they’re walking away with finn.

“we quit cheerios!” quinn says calmly. sue’s expression pales.

“you can’t quit cheerios, it’s blood in, blood out, now get your sweet little cans on that bus-.”

“but we still quit.” santana deadpans angrily, smirking at the woman as she keeps her hand in brittany’s and makes her way towards the football field.

“you’re my stars! if you leave, i have no performance!” sue screams.

“sucks for you.” brittany says back, and with that, they rush towards the choir room where everyone is putting on their zombie outfits and makeup.

“got room for three more?” santana asks with a grin as soon as they walk in. mr. schuester looks up at all three of them in surprise before everyone is cheering and rushing towards them to envelop them in tight hugs.

and despite the panic filling her over no longer being a cheerio, she knows with these people around her, she’ll be okay.

and she feels it even more when mercedes hugs her tight and whispers into her ear: “we got you, girl. no more running.”

even mr. schuester hugging her and spinning her around with a loud cheer of happiness doesn’t creep her out, just makes her laugh before she’s sitting in the corner with mercedes, quinn and brittany as all four of them help each other out with their zombie makeup.

“we made the right choice, you know. this is where we belong.” brittany says eventually, grinning widely at quinn and santana, and it doesn’t need to be said that they agree with her, the smiles they have on their faces say it all.

but then, after their performance is done, and everyone is in the choir room removing their zombie makeup and brittany lets go of her hand to rush over to artie to kiss him, santana remembers everything. remembers why she stayed with the cheerios, why she’s been trying so damn hard to get finn hudson to be her boyfriend, remembers why she’s been working so damn hard to be top of the food chain…

because the pain that rips through her at the sight has her blinking back tears before her eyes meet dave karofsky’s, and she reaches down for her bag and simply shoulders it without taking off the rest of her makeup to head home, unable to stomach the sight for a second longer.

but that doesn’t mean she’s gay, right? it just hurts her every time she sees her best friend kiss her boyfriend because she loves her and the idea of her being with anyone else is just too painful to stomach. it’s normal-

_it’s not normal, it’s so not fucking normal._

she needs to get over this. she needs to stop feeling what she feels for brittany because it’s just going to end in heartbreak and she can’t handle that. she needs to move on, to just see brittany as her best friend, to go back to what they were before that stupid kiss in puck’s bathroom at that stupid fucking party. she can forget it all, she can, she _has_ to.

the best way to do that?

_finn hudson is totally mine._


End file.
